Monday, 18 July 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well for anyone who tuned in for my stint on FM radio station Pride Radio, thanks very much. Our four-week run on the radio has now come to an end, but I'm very proud to have been a part of the whole thing and I think everyone's done an incredible job. We'll be continuing to broadcast live online at www.prideradio.co.uk, so make sure you keep listening to that if you enjoyed it. Meanwhile, celebrities all over the land have been doing things and I'm sure they're just dying for me to take the piss out of them, so let's dive right in for yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup....

1. Katie Price certainly knows how to pick 'em.


You can say what you want about Katie Price but she certainly knows how to keep her lovelife interesting. First she gets pregnant to a footballer, they break up mid-pregnancy before she takes the virginity of Pop Idol contestant Gareth Gates and has Dane Bowers's big toe shoved up her twat before going on I'm A Celebrity and marrying a failed Australian popstar she met on there.

After making the worst album in the history of popular music together, the two then split which prompts Katie to start dating cross-dressing cage-fighter Alex Reid before dumping him on the same reality show she met Peter Andre. It then turns out Alex is more popular with the public than she first anticipated, so it's off to Vegas with them for a quickie wedding and an even more quickie divorce amid rumours Alex is infertile. That takes us up the present, where Katie is dating much younger model Leandro Penna who can barely string a sentence together in English, and little else is known about him.

That is, until yesterday, when Leandro let the cat out of the bag (or should that be pussy out of the bag in the case of Katie Price?) (or toe out of the pussy?) that he is actually not above being publicly homophobic, despite Katie's tedious drivel about "loving the gays blah blah blah zzzzzz".

You see, yesterday Katie took to her Twitter to publicly bash her ex-husband (the second one) due to stories he has apparently been selling about her (not sure exactly which stories she's referring to but whatever)...


Now here's the thing, I geninely like Alex Reid and think he was probably taken for a ride by Katie Price. I'm not saying he was completely innocent in all of it, if he wasn't interested in fame he wouldn't have been on Celebrity Big Brother in the first place, but I can't help but feel he had no desire to be known as "Mr. Katie Price", especially given he was already fairly successful in his own right with his cage-fighting. During both Celebrity Big Brother and his short-lived reality show on Living, Alex refused to discuss Katie or even mention her explicitly by name which aren't exactly the acts of a man content to ride on his wife's coat-tails are they?

The other thing that always made me uncomfortable with the Katie/Alex relationship was the way the two handled Alex's supposed alter-ego "Roxanne" so differently. Alex always seemed to squirm whenever his cross-dressing (which he's said he only ever did for a laugh) was mentioned, while Katie relished talking about it, even when Alex wasn't present. It seemed to me it was always Katie forcing Alex to play up to his wild, cross-dressing side- even going as far as to force him to dress up as her for one of her book launches- when it seemed that wasn't what Alex wanted to be associated with.

Now as for Leandro Penna, I can only say the man is clearly a total douche-bag unashamedly using Katie for publicity in much the same way I imagine Jesus Luz was using Madonna after she split up with Guy Ritchie. In what is probably the first independent thing he's done since he met Katie, he decided to echo her thoughts on Alex on his own Twitter page, which is usually written in Spanish. The only problem is that by doing so he revealed himself as a stonking big homophobe, calling Alex a "gay freak"...


Excellent stuff. The offending tweets have since been deleted without explanation, or apology, and I think it'll be interesting to see how Katie handles this mess. Oh wait, she already is handling it...

She's doing what she's always done-- PRETENDING IT NEVER HAPPENED!

What a role model.

2. Imogen Thomas has been given a job.


Speaking of slags who are famous for no reason (sorry, folks, but I have no time or sympathy for people like Imogen Thomas who play the "oh poor old me I slept with a married man and now everyone hates me for trying to cash in on it" card) Imogen Thomas has got a new job in what must have been a real role reversal for the ex-Big Brother star who is mostly used to giving jobs rather than getting them.

As part of the new charity organisation Screw A Married Man And Get On The Telly, you can now wake up with Imogen Thomas (as countless married men have in the past) on This Morning where she will be giving her unique style and beauty tips in a series of outside broadcasts across beaches in the UK over the summer.

"IMOGEN THOMAS ON THE BEACH" JOKES
1. Imogen will have to keep her legs together in case any children try and make a sandcastle with her bucket-fanny.
2. Imogen will not need to go in the water to check out the sea-life as she will be bringing her own crabs.
3. Anyone who fancies a kick-around on the sand may want to think twice in case Imogen spies a wedding ring and immediately pounces on them, before shouting her story from the roof-tops and demanding sympathy from everyone.

That was not as funny as I'd hoped.

3. There is every need for this to exist, yessir there is.


Can I just say before I begin this that I am proper chewed up over Imogen shitting Thomas AND Leoandro shitting Penna so you'll have to forgive me if what I say is overtly venomous towards Kimberley Walsh who has really done nothing wrong to anyone and is probably a lovely person.

Basically my feelings on Kimberley Walsh are pretty obvious if you read my blog or my Tweets regularly. I've not been her biggest supporter in the past, but that's only because everything she does is completely shit. To quote the great Diana Vickers she is "a Midas in reverse".

Until very recently, apart from being a guest vocalist on that shitty Aggros Santos song, Kimberley was the only member of Girls Aloud to have never done any completely solo material. Unfortunately, that was all to change with the debut of her single Everybody Dance a cover of the Chic disco classic in support of the film she's starring in which will no doubt haemorrhage money for those involved in its production and taint the careers of all those who star in it simply because Kimberley has put her stamp on it. And let me tell you, folks. The song is not good. "How not good?" I hear you ask. This not good:



Sweet merciful Christ. This is the woman who contributed 20% of the vocals to Sexy! No, No No..., The Loving Kind and Whole Lotta History-- how can she possibly think that this is acceptable? It's times like this the Girls Aloud re-union has never felt so necessary, or as disappointingly unlikely to ever come to fruition...

Right that's it, I'm going to go and kick a puppy.
Laters!

4 comments:

  1. The film Kimberley Walsh is in is Horrid Henry! How appropriate, considering the song.

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  2. This literally made me piss myself about 3 times. You're hilarious when you're angry.

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  3. Like U Like is my favourite solo Girls Aloud effort. *non-apologetic face*

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