Saturday, 9 July 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello my lovelies. It's been so long since I've done a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup I'm afraid I've rather forgotten the protocol. However, the fact of the matter is that now that my days of stalking celebrities on Twitter to ask them about my hairstyle are over I need to get back into the swing of blogging properly, and so I am diving right back in. Before I kick things off, can I just remind people that on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday next week I'm doing my final three weekday shows for Pride Radio, which I have absolutely loved being involved with so if you're free 12pm-2pm on those days then don't forget to tune in and listen online.

So, what's been going on in the world of celebrity, then..?

1. Is Cheryl taking Ashley back?


It's been a tough year for Cheryl Cole. She faced life-threatening illness, for the first time she wasn't the winning judge on The X Factor and then she faced the embarrassment of abandoning her second album mid-promotion to move to LA for the US series of X Factor only to get kicked in the tits by Simon Cowell once she got over there (for those who didn't see it, I wrote a moderately funny thing for Oh Yeah Me Too about possible new jobs for our Cheryl which is worth a read).

If rumours are to be believed, Cheryl took comfort in all of this in the arms of her philandering ex-husband Ashley Cole, just one of hundreds of people to have made a fool of Cheryl over the course of her life. According to sources she was seen chatting to him at her birthday party last month before PERFORMING A LAP DANCE FOR HIM in front of party guests.

Now, I'm not a big fan of judging other people's decisions when it comes to their relationships. To me, the only people whose opinions really matter on a relationship are the two people who are in it (or the three people in it, in the case of a ménage à trois, obviously). But if you ask me, if Cheryl is going to take Ashley back it has to be on her terms, she has to be the one who decides what happens with them and, most importantly, she should absolutely not be lap-dancing him in front of all her mates. What kind of message does that send out "well he may have gone behind my back a hundred times but look how much he likes it when I stick my titties in his face".

I do feel sorry for Cheryl, though, this time two years ago she was the biggest star in Britain, she was in a (seemingly) happy marriage and her solo career was looking to be a success. Now, though, she's lost her job judging The X Factor, her marriage has gone to the dogs and her solo career is something of a joke. If she is going back to Ashley, which truthfully I hope she isn't, I at least hope she knows what she's doing.

What I want to know is: WHO WILL THAT WOMANISER DEREK HOUGH BE PURSUING IF CHERYL TAKES HERSELF OFF THE MARKET?????

2. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst song of 2011.


I am basically the expert in when something starts off as a joke and spirals into something monstrous and hideous (evidently). This seems to be what's happened with the new single from Joey Essex, the loveable prick off The Only Way Is Essex, which is predictably named Reem. Bloody hell.

Were the song any good, this hideous act would probably be forgivable but instead the song is ridiculous, unimaginative and is probably a wasted opportunity to actually make a decent dance song for the summer. Brace yourselves, folks:



The sad thing is, it's cheap PR stunts like this that probably mean the third series of TOWIE will be an embarrassing heap of shite. The whole joy of The Only Way Is Essex is that we're following the characters around on their normal lives, there's a fourth wall up that doesn't exist on shows like the godawful what-was-everyone-involved-thinking Geordie Shore. Now that the characters are actually "famous", I think the show has lost a lot of its charm.

This single, which no matter how you look at it is a heap of shite, and I fear that along with derivative shows such as Made In Chelsea and the aforementioned makes-me-sick-to-my-stomach Geordie Shore, it could have put the final nail in the vajazzled coffin for TOWIE.

3. Beyoncé gets her knockers out in her new video.


Fair enough she's got things back on track now, following her stunning performance at Glastonbury, but things were looking a bit ropey for Beyoncé when she first started the campaign for her album 4. The lead single from it Run The World (Girls) ended up charting lower than Christina Aguilera's Not Myself Tonight, but this is hardly surprising because it is a load of clatter and noise which she put the video out for much too late.

To ensure the same thing doesn't happen for follow-up single Best Thing I Never Had Beyoncé has pulled out the big guns, and by the big guns I, of course, mean her titties. The premise of the video revolves around Beyoncé getting ready for her wedding day, which of course really just means clarting around in bridal lingerie and going LOOK AT ME IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? It has a happy ending, she gets married to a nice man and that, but really all that is eclipsed by the sight of her in her underwear which to me just seems totally unnecessary and a little tacky.

Saying that, I don't totally rate the song either. You can't fault Beyoncé's voice, obviously, but the song itself doesn't really offer anything we haven't heard before in superior songs like Irreplaceable, Halo and Listen. More importantly the hook "I bet it sucks to be you right now" probably sounded playful when someone wrote it for her to pass off as her own, but to be honest it just sounds bratty and infantile considering the woman is almost 30.

That said, she looks great and her voice sounds excellent, so I'll let you judge for yourself:



PHWOOAR RIGHT LADS I'D LET HER GIVE ME ONE WAHEY

Aye that's it.
Laters.

5 comments:

  1. At least the Joey Essex fellow is cute!

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  2. i'm afraid i've met him in person and he really isnt as reem in person as he looks on tv

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  3. Another top round up. Thanks

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  4. 'reem' isn't a nice word, is it? it doesn't sound like something i would want to be.

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  5. Reem is a minging word I dunno what made Joey Essex think it would be in any way a good term to use.

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