Friday, 6 May 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Sorry about not posting in ages, I would love to blame it on my hectic schedule but truly I've just been sat on my arse doing nothing for the past week. Notably absent from this blog was coverage of the Royal Wedding, so if you still haven't read it I wrote a little piece on it for what is probably my favourite blog in the world Oh Yeah Me Too, which I recommend you start following because it is fantastic. Meanwhile, I'm still doing the Pride Radio show every Sunday from 2pm-4pm, and it is literally just an audio version of this blog so if you like hearing me blabbing on about celebrity gossip and playing all the music you'd expect (Nicki, RiRi, Britney etc. etc.) then tune in this Sunday, where I'll be presenting from 1pm for one week only.

ANYWAY, right. You're not here for that. You're here to read what celebrities have been doing with themselves since last I updated. Get your seatbelts on, it's time for a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Some dickhead throws eggs at Justin Bieber.


Right I completely understand that Justin Bieber is not to everyone's taste. His music can be grating and repetitive, and his fans are absolute idiots. However, I think the mass hatred that seems to be perpetually directed towards Justin Bieber is unnecessary. When it comes down to it, he is a 17-year old lad, he's doing what he loves and he's making millions of people happy. He simply doesn't deserve to be ridiculed the way that he is.

Having said that, unfortunately not everyone would agree with my views on Justin Bieber, including some dickhead who decided to pelt him with eggs during a concert he was performing at in Australia this week. That's right, somebody paid money to go and see him in concert (tickets which, I might add, don't come cheap) simply so though could throw food at him.

Someone managed to catch it on camera, and naturally because it's "cool" to hate on Justin Bieber, it's been splashed all over the Internet like nobody's business, and here it is for your viewing pleasure:



The phantom egg-thrower has since been charged, and is believed to be a jealous 17-year old who was found out by the police after posting on their Facebook account that they were responsible for bombarding the teenage singer with eggs. What a fucking idiot.

Bloody good job it's not Lady GaGa they chucked eggs at, she'd be trying to squish herself inside and go home in one.

2. Cheryl Cole is literally 100% yes yes yes this is it I promise you for definite absolutely certainly on The X Factor panel.


Right well let's be honest. I'm fucking sick to death of hearing about the US X Factor. I'm sick of speculation, I'm sick that you can pull a rumour out of your arse-hole about who is on the judging panel and call it a news story. I'm sick of hearing a random conveyor belt of names attached to the series. I'm sick of the whole fucking thing. I feel like X Factor in America is going to have to be pretty fucking spectacular to live up to the hype surrounding it.

Thankfully, for the first time in a frightening amount of time an actual FACT about the show has been brought to light and it's a good one- Cheryl Cole will be joining Simon Cowell and record producer L.A. Reid to bring some Geordie charm to the American judging panel.

Toto, I don't think we're in Walker anymore...

It's unknown whether Cheryl, Simon and L.A. (who's name is L.A. for fuck's sake, surely that's like being called Hawaii or something ridiculous like that??) will complete the panel, but it's rumoured that Paula Abdul will be the fourth and final judge to be revealed as part of the series, while singers Enrique Iglesias and Nicole Scherzinger are thought to be sharing the presenting duties. If true, it won't be the first time Enrique and Nicole have collaborated on a project, as their duet Heartbeat was released last year:



My mam is a big fan of that song, declaring "phwooar look at them sexies" the first time she saw the video on the telly. The thought of them presenting X Factor together WITH GEORDIE LASS CHERYL COLE AS A CONFIRMED JUDGE may be too much for the poor woman to take.

3. Good news, everyone, Lady GaGa's new video is absolutely brilliant.


I haven't exactly been kind to Lady GaGa on this blog recently, and that's because every time she opens her mouth I find myself cringing at the self-indulgent bullshit she spouts, which her fans blindly eat up as though it were a speech written by the love-child of Martin Luther King and Jesus himself.

Recently, however, I found that I was beginning to warm to her once account on account of her latest single, Judas. A song with so many confused Bible references it could only have been written by a lapsed Catholic, and with a chorus that didn't so much provoke you to put your arms in the air as much as demand it at gunpoint, it was right up my street. Unfortunately, I later discovered that GaGa would be directing the video for the clip herself, which made my heart sink. Suddenly I anticipated a dreary, humourless, ten-minute music video with no colour and nothing to do with the content of the song, which GaGa would claim had appeared to her in a dream to save us all from our lives and become LITTLE MONSTERZZZZZ.

I must admit, I am now eating my words. The Judas video leaked online and it is magnificent. Colourful, relevant to the song, energetic and- best of all- not appearing to take itself too seriously, it's the best thing GaGa could have put out after that hideous state of affairs that was the Born This Way music video and recently her sickening album cover. If you haven't seen the video yourself yet this is what you can expect:

SMILING!

HIYA MY NAME IS LADY GAGA. When I'm not pouting or talking very seriously about my very important music, I smile. This is what I look like when I smile. Get used to it, you probably won't see it again for quite a while.

DANCING!

The Bad Romance dance routine is brilliant because it brings people together. Just the other day I was out with Becca and I danced the Bad Romance routine with an utter stranger in Sunderland, simply because we both knew it. It's extraordinary. And why is that? Because it's easy. Have you tried to copy the dance routing from the Born This Way video? I'd need my asthma inhaler and I'm not even asthmatic. This is a good return to form in terms of "quite easy dance routines" for Lady GaGa, and she even makes a cute little heart with her hands when she says that she "continues to be enamoured by Judas" or however the song goes.

MOTORBIKES!

This video sees GaGa re-telling the best-selling book "The Bible" but in this version Jesus is actually the leader of a motorbike gang. Brilliant. My very first boyfriend drove a moped, but unfortunately he never took me out on it. Now he has sex with women.

CATHOLIC SHIT!

FUCKING HELL if there is one thing I want to say it is Catholic imagery. Look! She's leaning on Peter WHO WAS ONLY JESUS'S BLOODY ROCK WASN'T HE?? Yes he was. Also look at GaGa's heart, it's the bloody sacred heart. Not sure what that's meant to represent, but it reminds me of my old Granda who used to have this fucking scary picture of Jesus with the sacred heart next to his sitting room door, and I used to get petrified when he'd leave me alone in the room with it. To this day I don't think I could sit on my own in a room with that picture. Gives me shivers. I like this, though. This gives me the good shivers. Not the "fucking hell when is he coming back with my cup of tea this picture is fucking scary" shivers.

JESUS!

Look there he is, wearing a crown of thorns. This is the second best crown of thorns in pop culture history, but I'm afraid the title of "best crown of thorns" still goes to Madonna:


NOTE: This was not a "LOOK AT LADY GAGA COPYING MADONNA" dig, as it would seem that "comparing Lady GaGa to Madonna" is the new "comparing everyone in the fucking world ever to Lady GaGa".

HYGIENE!

Having said that, I'm not sure how hygienic it is to have three people in the bath at once, especially when two of them are wearing leather jackets they've been riding all round town in. I bet they're fucking minging. It doesn't seem to bother GaGa, though, who then goes on to wash Jesus's feet much like that person did in the Bible shortly before Jesus was crucified. Thankfully there is no graphic crucifixion in the video, but having said that Jesus isn't the main character here JUDAS IS. It's a bit like Wicked really, except there really is no excuse for handing your mate over to the authorities for thirty pieces of silver, is there? NO THERE IS NOT.

BETRAYAL!

PHWOOOAR, RIGHT? You can always rely on GaGa for a bit of man-on-man in her videos and this time it's relevant, cos Judas gave Jesus a proper smacker right before he was carted off and crucified. Shame.

DEATH!

Aye not to spoil the end for you, but she gets stoned to death. Pretty grim way to go, I'm sure you agree. If you remember in the Bible poor old Mary Magdalene nearly got stoned to death, didn't she? But then Jesus came in and went "let he among us without sin be the first to cast their stone" or something along them lines, and they realised they were all terrible people. In this version, though, she's ended up with that useless lout Judas, and he's not going to rescue her, is he? He's too busy spending his thirty pieces of silver on shit off of eBay.

So, to me at least, the moral of the story is that while the bad boys might seem like the most "exciting" choice, they're hardly worth being stoned to death when you could have had someone who would rush and save you. KEEP THAT IN MIND, FOLKS.

GaGa's best video to date, I reckon. OH I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO SEE IT DO YOU? Go on then:



That's your lot for today!
And to those of you questioning my Granda's scary Jesus picture, imagine being on your own with this when you're only 6 years old:


Intense. I'm telling you.
Laters!
x

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