Friday, 15 April 2011

10 Reasons The X Factor is brilliant.

Time is officially up for Joe McElderry, as it's been confirmed today that he has been dropped from his record contract at Simon Cowell's SyCo label after his last single peaked at Number 68. He had a good run, three number 1 singles (though two of them were charity singles and one of them was kept from the Christmas number 1 spot by a bitter Facebook campaign set up by dickheads who think the Christmas number 1 is so sacred only "real" musicians like Rage Against The Machine should be able to achieve it).

NME were quick to jump on this, as you might imagine. This story is to them what a gang of Muslims knifing a nun is to The Daily Mail, it's a brilliant chance for them to point the finger and go "oooh we were right all along". They tweeted this when the news broke...

...linking to a "hilarious" (translated: obvious) slideshow of past contestants who've been on The X Factor and failed miserably at their music career BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE X FACTOR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT REAL MUSIC IT JUST WANTS TO MAKE MONEY!!!!!

Fuck off, yeah? Frankly, anyone who applies for The X Factor and isn't ready to be manipulated and moulded into whatever Simon Cowell wants you to be is an idiot who deserves to made a fool of. If you ask me, the worst kind of contestant is the people like Nicolo Festa who get voted out in the first week, blame the fact Simon wouldn't let them "be themselves" and then pretend they were only ever part of it as some sort of post-modern experiment in the first place. Pull the other one, Nicolo, you were on that show for the same reason as Katie Waissel and Olly Murs- to get your face on the telly and maybe get laid for a few months after your time on the show ends.

And so, as a tribute to Joe whose career didn't do as well as it could have for whatever reason, here is a list of 10 amazing things that would not have existed were it not for The X Factor...

1. Joe McElderry - Ambitions

What better way to start than with poor old Joe, eh? His music career might be over (for now), but let's remember the good times with Ambitions, a song me and Carla played on our Pride show almost every week. Last year on Halloween I was trying to do the (fabulous/horrendous) dance routine to this song and accidentally elbowed Sophie in the face. That, my friends, is a real moment.

2. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Fair enough, as time has gone on we've since realised that Leona Lewis has all the personality of a box of hair, but before some geezer punched her in the face (can you imagine punching poor Leona in the face, it'd be like drop-kicking Elmo), she gave us this, the sexiest song about haemorrhaging ever. You simply can't deny the power of Bleeding Love. Especially that bit when she hits the high note and in the video the sprinklers come on. MORE SPRINKLERS IN MUSIC VIDEOS PLEASE, MUSIC INDUSTRY.


3. Cheryl's debut solo performance.

Not to disregard Lady GaGa's contributions over the past few years, but when Cheryl Cole stepped out on The X Factor stage and sang Fight For This Love it was the moment I knew pop music was well and truly back. Weeks before Cheryl even hit the stage people had already written her off, claiming there was no way she'd be able to pull off a performance as huge as the one that lay ahead of her. And she bloody well did. Fair enough, when she came back a year later and did Promise This it was somewhat ropey, but you can not dispute the fact she did a good job of that- the first solo performance she'd ever done after Girls Aloud "disbanded". It then inspired my Halloween costume a year later:

Hot stuff.

4. The Lloyd Daniels calendar.

Seriously, I spent most of X Factor willing Lloyd Daniels to get his kit off. Then he did. And all was well with the world. Special mention must also go to JLS in this particular photo:

Yes their music is terrible, but you would, wouldn't you? Yes you would, don't lie.

5. Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys

Now I'll be the first to admit that Alexandra Burke spends most of the above music video looking like she needs to run a brush through her hair, but everything about this song is fantastic. Who doesn't love a bad boy, really? Well that's a lie actually, I'd much rather have an awkward, lanky boy with a nervous laugh and big hands but that's just me. The fact its follow-up was Broken Heels, cranking up the camp value even further, just adds to the charm of Alexandra Burke. Well done all concerned.

6. Rachel Adedeji falling over.

Wheeeey! Look at her go.

7. Sinitta wearing items as clothes.

Long before Lady GaGa put a lobster on her head or made a poncho out of Kermit The Frog dolls, Sinitta put on this bizarre little number made out of fans. She was later seen modelling an outfit made out of leaves. As much an important part of The X Factor as the weirdos at the first auditions or THE MAAAAAAN WITH THE BIIIIG VOOOOOICE.

8. That lass punching her mate in the face

THE moment of last year's X Factor. Literally doesn't get old. Catch the full audition here, which is always worth a watch as well, but the punch is evidently the best bit. Eeeeh remember when she got her tits out for The Daily Sport as well? Literally amazing.

9. Cher Lloyd

Oh, Cher. Princess of swagger, former gypsy, right up Cheryl Cole's street, gettin' haters like you wouldn't believe Cher Lloyd. I said in a blog yesterday that Cher Lloyd's album is my personal most anticipated release of 2011 and I do indeed stand by that. The above video is my favourite Cher performance of the year because you knew by this stage it really didn't matter if she went out of the competition, because she would still be a star. And she will be. I LOVE YOU CHER LLOYD.

10. Sharon Osbourne walking into a door.

She was replaced by national treasure Cheryl Cole, so it's quite easy to forget that Sharon Osbourne was ever a part of The X Factor panel, but she was responsible for some brilliant moments. Most of it included storming off the panel or chucking water in people's faces, but her defining moments came when she and Louis would openly laugh in contestants' faces. Not like a cheeky giggle, just full on MEGA LOLZ laughing unashamedly as people tried to perform. The second best instance of this comes from this clip in Series 1, where a lady named Penelope is trying to sing Fields Of Gold. However, the above clip is what Sharon's giggles were all about. Not only does it show you quite how isolated Dannii Minogue felt on that panel (MEGA LOLZ at her pretending to laugh so she can be sent out with Louis and Sharon too), Sharon is so hysterical she then bashes her plastic face on the door on her way out. BRILLIANT.

I know I said ten, but it wouldn't be right to not include:

11. Kelly Osbourne calling Dannii Minogue the devil

In all seriousness, this amazing piece of pop culture history would never have happened were it not for The X Factor. And for that reason alone, I thank Simon Cowell for bringing it into my life.


  1. Thank you Daniel, for brightening up my day!!

  2. Hahaha oh my god your posts are always epic! And I KNEW that Kelly comment was coming along, I knew it :P

  3. You are indeed a celeb god yourself!

  4. Goodness, what a compliment :p xx