Tuesday, 19 April 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Hiya everyone! I do hope you're all well. If you're reading this because you think that the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup is absolutely TOP BANANA then get over to the Spark site where you can read something what I wrote for them, which is also about celebrities. Because that is literally all I am capable of writing about. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE CELEBRITIES BEEN DOING WITH THEMSELVES SINCE LAST WE SPOKE?

1. Simon Cowell is getting rid of all of the dead weights in his life (cue a sequence of him completely re-inventing his life set to Independent Woman by Destiny's Child).


US X Factor has been hyped for so long that I'm beginning to think that it will never actually exist, and Simon Cowell has been having us on all this time, knowing full well that the speculation of who will be joining him on the judging panel is enough of a distraction for us not to notice that the show does not exist.

However, he of high trousers and flat hair has decided that the possibly non-existent reality show is pretty important because it's been announced this week that Simon will be stepping down as judge on the UK series of the show, which he has been a part of since it first aired seven years ago. Apparently he will still be "involved" with the show, but on a smaller scale which we all know is a bit like when your mam and step-dad split up and he says he will still "be there", knowing full well he has no intention of ever being involved in your life ever again.

That's not the only announcement Simon has made this week, though. It was a long time coming but the game is finally up for former X Factor champions Shayne Ward and Joe McElderry, who have both been dropped by Cowell's SyCo label, reportedly due to poor record sales. Matt Cardle must be shitting himself.

I feel bad for Shayne and Joe, though. They're both really talented lads, and with the right promotion Shayne Ward could genuinely have been a massive star. He is also, let's not forget, really fit. Here he is in a vest top:

Lovely.

2. Jedward get their kit off for Gay Times.


While poor old Geordie Joe is stood in line at the Jobcentre, his fellow X Factor alumni Jedward aren't showing any signs of going anywhere just yet with a tour lined up to promote their upcoming second album and plans to represent Ireland in this year's Eurovision song contest. Better still, they're reminding the homos of Great Britain they still exist by taking their clothes off.

Now I'm not shy about saying this, but I proper love Jedward. Fair enough they have the worst personalities ever, but they have really beautiful faces and their Eurovision song is actually really good. AND THERE'S TWO OF THEM. So when I saw on Twitter they were on the cover of the latest GT magazine I almost choked (and I mean that literally as I soon afterwards had an asphixy-wank).

In the interview accompanying the photo-shoot they revealed that despite the fact they have women throwing themselves at them around the clock that they have taken a vow of celibacy because if they were to have sex it would be "a huge press story". They've also brushed off rumours that they were gay saying they have no problems if people think they're gay, but they do like girls.

One moment please.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

Sorry about that.

3. Lady GaGa's new album cover is fucking minging.


First off, have you heard Lady GaGa's new single Judas? It is, without wanting to exaggerate, THE BEST SONG LADY GAGAA HAS EVER DONE. I know I'm always quite harsh about GaGa on this blog, calling her pretentious and making fun of the bullshit she spouts on a daily basis, but you can't argue with a song as frantic and mental and lush-sounding as Judas.

However, GaGa giveth with Judas and GaGa taketh away just as easily. On the same day Judas was released onto iTunes she also unveiled the artwork for her upcoming second album Born This Way and it is not pretty. Have a look for yourself:


What. The. Fuck. I tell you what it is, if Lady GaGa really was "born this way" then I feel sorry for her poor mother pushing a whole motorbike out of her fanny. Seriously- what was she thinking with this monstrosity? It just looks...hideous. Grotesque.

I tell you what it is, though, Christina Aguilera can't help herself copying off Lady GaGa, can she? Have you seen her new album cover???


That woman has no shame.

I'm done.
Laters!

5 comments:

  1. Hahahaa! That Christina Aguilera picture has quite possibly made my week.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Why on earth did Lady Gaga think that was ever acceptable? I literally would not buy that because it is so ugly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think Christina Aguilera should enlist me to help her career in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That Christina Aguilera picture is literally beyond amazing.

    ReplyDelete