Tuesday, 1 March 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER CELEBRITY ROUNDUP. Yeah, so my parents are home from their trip to Tenerife, which means that I am now using my trusty MacBook again, hurray! In case you're interested, I have a new post over on the Spark website which is worth a click if you are a fan of my chatter about famous people. So anyway, if you have missed me in the absence of my laptop (which, of course, you did) I have some good news. I am going to re-hash some old news and pass it off as my own in a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Ciara thinks she's pure mint and is then made to look like a right dickhead.

Imagine waking up every day and being Ciara? You'd go insane. "Oh God," you'd say to yourself as you gazed at your reflection every morning, "I have to go another day living this utterly bland existence". Seriously, does anyone even know what Ciara looks like? Realistically? Well, to prove a point, I have a test. I have deliberately not included a picture with this, and instead I invite you to pick Ciara out from one of the four pictures below. One of the photos shows Ciara, the other are random girls I found on Google. Let's test your Ciara knowledge:

What is the point in all this Ciara basing I hear you ask? Well earlier this week Ciara was interviewed on American TV and realised the only way she could get anyone to pay attention to her, utterly unremarkable as she is, would be if she spoke less than favourably about her more-interesting-but-less-talented peer Rihanna.

Ciara went on to discuss a showbiz party they were both at this week, where apparently Rihanna was less than polite to her. It seems, though, that Rihanna wasn't all too impressed with these comments and took to her Twitter to defend herself:

Rihanna is a proper bad bitch, isn't she? Unfortunately the two have since kissed and made up. How annoying. I'd rather they'd publicly continued to lay into one another, with Rihanna obviously being the overall winner while Ciara clings desperately to any scrap of fame life throws at her. Alarmingly, the above Tweet wasn't Rihanna's best tweet of the week, which comes in this form:

Surely I can't be the only one happy to hear Rihanna is having no sex, instead choosing to masturbate her days away listening to her own song? Amazing.

2. The Born This Way video has been...you know...born.

Right so Lady GaGa has a brand new video for her single Born This Way and I suppose you want to hear what I think about it? Well, actually, I know you do because I just got this tweet:

Yeah so anyway, Lady GaGa has a new video. It is seven minutes long and can be broken up into several sections or "acts", which I will now describe to you:

ACT 1: Shitty Introduction.

Good opening few seconds, lovely dramatic Wizard Of Oz-style introductory music and the unusual image of Lady GaGa raising her head with an eyeball stuck to her chin. "This is good", I think, "this is the Lady GaGa I know and love".

23 seconds into the video, Lady GaGa makes me regret my initial optimism as she utters the most irritating, self-indulgent, nauseating words in the history of music videos: "This is the manifesto of Mother Monster". It goes on in this pretentious and nonsensical manner for a good few minutes, accompanied by the unsettling image of Lady GaGa pulling all kinds of shit out of her vagina. Because she has a vagina, you know? Not a penis. Despite what you may have heard.

I tell you what, if you can find me someone with a speaking voice as annoying as Lady GaGa's then I will buy you a steak. I hate it when she speaks in that fucking croaking monotone, spouting her ridiculous schtick which, in the end, doesn't mean a damn thing. I am a massive Lady GaGa fan but she cannot talk shit about saving the world and being leader of a revolution when her hits include Just Dance ("gonna be OK, da da doo doo") and Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) ("eh eh, eh eh, there's nothing else I can say, eh eh, eh eh").

ACT 2: Knickers.

Two and a half minutes into the video, and the song is finally beginning. GaGa is entering a very dark room in her knickers, and announces to us that "it doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M". Because she's very fashion-forward, Lady GaGa is wearing no clothes. Not sure how that goes but whatever.

It seems a bit like I'm tearing into the video, reading this back, so let's focus on the positives for a bit. For starters, Lady GaGa has continued on from her last few TV appearances and still has them horns in her face and shoulders. A lot of people are saying she looks a fool, but I think they look absolutely brilliant. Secondly, her dancing is very good but it starts straight away and to me it seems too early in the video to start such an elaborate routine. Some of the moves are a bit cringey, but really I can not argue with those face-horns. Also, she looks a bit thin, and I hope she's OK.

ACT 3: Hiya I'm a zombie now.

So now it's time for a quick costume change, and this time she's fooling around with a man. She's wearing a tuxedo and they both have weird makeup on to look like zombies. The first thing I thought as soon as I saw this was "This would be a great Halloween costume". Such is the sad nature of my life.

This is my favourite part of the video, as it happens. Because she's not being ridiculous and faux-poetic and she's not going LOOK AT ME DANCING while looking like she needs a sit down and a trip to Subway. Really, this is the sort of weird GaGa that I prefer. So well done all concerned.

ACT 4: Head.

Unlike those poor folks around her, Lady GaGa's head is still attached to her body, which is a relief because she's got a whole album to promote when this video's over. I also like this part of the video because it is genuinely memorable, isn't it? You could re-create that if you wanted to, and people would go: "Oh aye, you're trying to be like Lady GaGa in the Born This Way video, except you're a right fat slag so that all-in-one body suit doesn't look half as good on you as it does on her. And as for that thin stripe over your vagina, don't flatter yourself, it's like looking into a black hole, love".

It's apparent at this stage in the video that there is not going to be much colour, which IN MY OPINION makes it inferior to recent other videos such as S&M or Hold It Against Me.

ACT 5: I keep dancing on my own.

If you ask me, the best dancing we ever see from Beyoncé actually comes in the Déjà Vu video, near the very end where she's dancing completely on her own and she is absolutely going for it. And that is what we see here in the final chorus of Born This Way. Lady GaGa is back in her knickers but this time she's on her own, swishing herself about this way and that as if she owns the place.

In such a powerful song, I think it was a good decision to have GaGa dancing on her own uninhibitedly towards the end, because at the end of the day it's a song about being unself-concious and happy in your own skin, so well done whoever made that decision, you did good.

Overall I am giving the Born This Way video 5.5/10. It could be greatly improved with a bit more colour, or perhaps if Lady GaGa developed some sort of sense of humour. I know she takes her art very seriously, but come on, woman. Give us a smile, eh? If you'd like to judge for yourself, after reading my nonsense, then here is your chance:

3. Yeah so Christina Aguilera has been proper naughty indeed.

I was in a lecture today. Spanish history. Not sure exactly why I am made to learn about it when I am doing a degree in Journalism and French, another reason I cannot discourage people from going to Sunderland University enough. So anyway, my boredom was broken when I decided to check my Twitter and found this:

This news was simply too much to ignore, particularly given that if I chose to simply "check if it's true later" I would be faced with a further hour of listening to ramblings about the fall of the Franco regime. And, indeed, after extensive research it turned out that Sophie was correct, Christina Aguilera was indeed arrested in LA this morning along with her boyfriend (who isn't famous and presumably won't be her boyfriend for much longer).

Here's the facts: X-Tina was arrested for spelling her name X-Tina when in fact it should be X-Ina as the X stands for 'Christ' which technically would mean her name was Christtina, which it isn't public intoxication, while her not-famous boyfriend was also arrested, for being drunk at the wheel.

Christina was reportedly so off her face that she was "unable to take care of herself", according to the police, and so was taken into police custody in the early hours of this morning. She's since been released on bail. What a bad girl. Apparently since her divorce her loved ones have been trying to get her into rehab. Oh, it's a shame, isn't it? Mind you, as usual with Christina, Britney Spears did it first.

Let's see what P!nk had to say about it all on her Twitter page:

OK so earlier in the blog I asked you if you could pick Ciara out from a lineup. Let's see if you were right. This. Is. Ciara....

That's it for another roundup, folks.
Make sure you comment and let me know if you were right about Ciara!


  1. I didn't spot Ciara! I guessed the second girl.

    Love the Gaga commentary! :DD xxx

  2. I was right about Ciara. Just chose the one who looked like a man in drag. Also, go Christina! Chubby little bint.

  3. The second girl is by far the prettiest.

    She's the only one where I don't actually know who she is, if I'm perfectly honest. I wish her every success in whatever she does in the future, because she is lush.

    And as for Christina's chubby face, Chelsea (alliteration, eh?), my sister who works in rehab reckons it's swollen cos of all the booze SO THERE YOU GO. xxx

  4. I saw Ciara support Britney on her Circus tour and I was impressed, she's a great dancer.

    Christina is 100% more interesting now that she has been arrested and blanked Avril Lavigne recently x

  5. We decided to go the nandos at the O2 instead of watching Ciara's bit. I regret nothing.

  6. I knew which one was Ciara. Go me!

  7. I was wrong about Ciara...