Tuesday, 15 March 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

So this essay I'm writing isn't your typical "eeeeh this essay is dead hard", because I literally don't know a damn thing about it. This is because I am a dickhead who thinks he is pure mint, and rather than taking informative notes during lectures I instead do things like draw sketches of Nicki Minaj and write my name in bubble letters. And here I am, one week until my essay on French immigration is due and I literally haven't the foggiest about where to even start about it, because I don't know a damn thing about the topic in the first place.

It literally is not that I feel the topic is particularly difficult, it's just that I don't know anything. It's like if someone said to you "write an essay about the early work of Christina Aguilera", you wouldn't know what to do, but that wouldn't be because the subject matter was very difficult. However, finding out about the early work of Christina Aguilera would be much more enjoyable than finding out about French immigration, largely because you'd get to listen to Come On Over (All I Want Is You) which is an absolute treat of a song.

Rather than letting my essay get on top of me and squish me into a panic attack, I'm instead going to lift my head and pretend it doesn't exist, and write a blog instead. So sit back, put off that essay you yourself should be writing and let me transport you to a world of glitter and trash in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Poor Madonna has a bit of a trauma.

It was a close shave for Madonna this week (and I'm not just talking about her frightening lady-parts) as her security team had to battle with a crazed stalker who managed to get his way into her house. There was a bit of a scuffle, but don't worry- they weren't that rough with me and I'm fine.

Nar seriously though, over the weekend this guy managed to overcome Madonna's security staff, sneak past the state-of-the-art CCTV and break into her London mansion where he was found "clutching her possessions". Thankfully Madonna and family were out of the country at the time, dealing with the death of Madonna's grandmother (did anyone realise Madonna had a grandmother? Unsurprisingly the woman was 99 years old, may she rest in peace).

Can you imagine how pissed off Madonna is going to be when she finds out her security team have let her down? If I can think of one woman who could genuinely make me wet my pants if she started shouting at me it is Madonna. I imagine when she gets back to the UK there will be a re-enacment of this scene when she sits her security staff down:

Yes I know I've made this exact joke before, but it is still quite funny really, isn't it? Isn't it? No? Alright then.

2. Alex Reid treads dangerously on his sixteenth minute of fame.

I don't really like slagging Alex Reid off, he's too much of an easy target, and I must admit I think he came across like a really nice guy on Celebrity Big Brother. Fair enough he didn't quite portray himself as "Brain of Britain", and he has big dreams for someone with such little talent, but there's something about Alex Reid I just really like. Also, he is probably near the top of my "Embarrassing Crushes" list (right beneath Jedward, a spot I wouldn't mind being in myself).

Thing is, though, you have to know when you're done, and it seems Alex Reid does not know that Katie Price has disposed of him and that it is time for him to bow out and go back to his normal life. What was all that about, man? Was she using him? Was he using her? Was anyone really using anyone, or were these just two people who liked each other and made some silly, lust-induced decisions? I suppose we'll never know the truth (largely because Katie Price and the truth are like ships in the night whose paths will never cross again).

So anyway, yeah, if reports are to be believed Alex Reid will be starring in his own reality show where he tries to find a new girlfriend. Apparently the criteria for his new lass is that "she must be nothing like Katie" (I might apply myself, actually). Couldn't he just go on Take Me Out and save us all the trouble of watching two separate terrible shows? Dear me.

3. Rebecca Black comes from nowhere, and owns the Internet.

If you have a Twitter account, and eyes, you may have noticed that for the last hundred years Rebecca Black has been trending, and perhaps you are a bit slow on the uptake you may not have seen the video for her "fun, fun, fun" song Friday which is currently setting the Internet aflame. If you still haven't seen the video for yourself, here it is:

Needless to say, there's a lot of confusion out there about whether or not this song is meant to be enjoyed ironically, if Rebecca Black genuinely loves Friday or not and exactly who is behind this phenomenon/travesty/triumph (delete as applicable). The main question, though (apart from whether to sit in the front or back seat), is: "Who the fuck is Rebecca Black?"

From what I can gather, the story goes like this. It seems that 13-year-old Rebecca Black went along to this "record producers" where you get to live the day as a popstar, record your own song and even shoot a video for it which then goes on YouTube. Paid for by your parents (hmmm...) Every kid's dream, surely? So along Rebecca went and was presented with this song Friday, which is- let's not mince our words here- an absolute pile of shite. My favourite part is when she sings "fun, fun, fun" but somehow manages to portray a look in her eyes of "please rescue me from this, all I wanted was to study to be a marine biologist I LOVE WHALES OK?" Let's not forget, though, the fantastic line where we're informed that "yesterday was Thursday... tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards".

On a side note, there are loads of FUCKING HILARIOUS people on Twitter going "what day is it tomorrow, perhaps I should ask Rebecca Black hahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAREN'TIAFUCKINGLAUGHRIOT", and these people are clearly idiots because the only days mentioned in the song are Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Today is Tuesday, Christ knows how Rebecca Black feels on a Tuesday, she's probably sitting at home cutting herself because Friday is so far away.

Somehow this video has managed to go viral and has now clocked up more than 6 million views on YouTube (to put this in perspective, the video for Insatiable by Nadine Coyle is yet to reach 1 million views on her YouTube page). Rebecca Clark is currently one of the most talked about people in the world, and it seems like she's keeping schtum about the whole thing, while the entire Internet takes the piss out of her for something that probably seemed like a good laugh at the time, not to be taken seriously. Now the song is on iTunes, and I've a feeling this one could run and run...

That's your lot.