Wednesday, 9 March 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Right well I've been dead busy so sorry about not posting for a while. I'm sure your lives went on as usual, I don't feel too guilty. I've had a dead boring essay to write, which I handed in today, on synthetic personalisation. This has to do with making a reader feel that they are the only person the speaker is talking to, even though they are actually addressing an entire audience en masse, which I realised is actually what this blog is all about, so it was quite interesting. Plus I went out on Monday with my and didn't get in till 6 COS I AM PROPER NAUGHTY AND STUMBLING OVER MYSELF LIKE KE$HA HO HO HO LOLZZZZ (nar but it was really fun, though).

I've done another post for Spark Magazine which you can read here, and I think you should comment on it and make me look good. I also wrote a thing for So So Gay on the Newcastle gay scene which is literally "OK" as well, so have a read of that too (even if they did humorously call me Daniel Walsh on their home page). My quest to take over the Internet is very slowly taking off.

Anyway, in my last blog I mentioned Ciara and whether or not people would recognise her in a lineup of four other women, based on this (boring, though she has nice boobies) image:

Let's see how people got on through the medium of various social networking devices:

Well done to those who correctly identified Ciara. You all wanna get a life if you ask me. Let's crack on with a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, featuring all your favourite week-old celebrity gossip...

1. Madonna has been a right little flirt.

I don't know if you realise this but Madonna has had sex with loads of men. She's had sex with Dennis Rodman, she's had sex with Vanilla Ice, she's had sex with Jesus Luz, she's had sex with Prince (apparently). That's a lot of sex. I mean really, I give myself a pat on the back every time I hold extended eye contact with a man, imagine how smug I'd be if I had as many notches on my bedpost as her (although, admittedly, it is impossible to hold extended eye contact with Madonna without turning to stone).

Despite her many, many conquests, Madonna has always maintained that the love of her life was her first husband Sean Penn, who she was with for a couple of years before she started being a big lez with Sandra Bernhard, and the whole thing ended with him tying her to a chair and threatening to cut all her hair off. He hated the paparazzi with a passion, whereas Madonna wasn't above calling the press before she left the house to make sure they had her picture. It was a passionate romance, but it was doomed.

Cut to 20 years later, at this year's Oscars. God did anyone actually sit through the entire Oscars? Who can be arsed with that load of shite? And The Black Swan didn't win nearly enough for my liking, that film was incredible. Anyway, Madonna was there with her daughter Lourdes Ciccone, and they absolutely owned that red carpet. It seems Madonna has accepted that no matter what she wears people are going to call her an old tart, so she decided to rise above it all and go out with no trousers on:

Yeah, so that woman can do what she likes.

So anyway, right, it was the after-party and Madonna was seen dancing until the small hours with a certain ex-husband of hers by the name of Sean Penn, which was apparently the talk of the party. Could it be a re-union couldn't be far off? They're both a lot older and wiser now, perhaps it's not too late for Madonna and Sean Penn to mend their differences, even though they split up 20 years ago after about 5 minutes of marriage.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH COULD YOU IMAGINE IF MADONNA AND SEAN PENN GOT BACK TOGETHER? It's the stuff of fairytales: the spoilt prince and the old maid.

2. A confusing story about Lady GaGa and ice cream made out of her tits or something.

OK listen carefully, folks, because this is a bit of a confusing one. A London-based eatery came under fire from the Haus of GaGa this week for selling an ice cream baring the name Baby GaGa. However, this was no ordinary ice cream as it was actually made out of human breast milk.

Lady GaGa was understandably quite unimpressed with the news that her name was being used to sell ice cream that had once been inside of a woman's tit ALTHOUGH SHE HAS TITS HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN AND DEFINITELY DOESN'T HAVE A COCK, DON'T YOU DARE SAY SHE DOES and threatened to sue the restaurant- found in London's Covent Garden- claiming that it "disgusted" her. A bit much coming from a woman who wears raw meat as evening wear, but that's a debate for another day.

However, the restaurant have vowed to fight Team GaGa, claiming that "gaga" is a reference to the noise a baby makes, rather than a reference to the popular singer. However, shall we have a look at the promotional image for the product?:

Despite a potential law-suit from one of the most powerful women in the world, the restaurant has actually started re-selling the product from today, probably due to high demand from all the controversy caused. The moral of that story is, don't create a shit-storm if you simply want something to go away without a fuss.

What's next though; a milkshake made out of piss entitled "Wee-Anna"? A spunk-based yoghurt called "Sticky Minaj"? That wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. Let's move on.

3. Something else has happened on Dancing On Ice.

I mentioned a while ago that I had started watching Dancing On Ice because Denise Welch was on and I like her a lot. Well, I must admit I have since stopped watching it because it is an absolute heap of shite. I mean really. Anyone who genuinely enjoys Dancing On Ice has something wrong with them, it is the most unnecessary, coma-inducing load of tripe ever. At various points during the most recent episode I watched I had to keep checking my own pulse to make sure it hadn't actually bored me to death.

So anyway, because I no longer watch it, I missed the exciting action between Tim Healy and Jason Gardiner. Now before I go any further I must say something about Jason Gardiner, as I genuinely feel he is one of the most nauseating human beings I have ever encountered. He is the most unnecessarily critical reality TV judge that has ever walked this Earth, he isn't funny or witty and talks as if he is an utter expert on a topic he doesn't really know anything about. The man doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

His awful comments don't make him out to be a call-it-like-it-is straight man like Simon Cowell, or a bitchy panto-villain type either; he just comes across as a massive prick who genuinely makes me embarrassed to be a homosexual man. I think the worst thing about Jason Gardiner is the seriousness with which he takes Dancing On Ice. I think the rule is, whatever you're judging really can't be that important if you're sat on the panel with Baby Spice, you know what I mean?

Yeah so anyway, apparently he's been really harsh about Denise's dancing the past few weeks, and her husband had enough of it. During his critique of Denise's performance, the brave hero (Tim Healy, local lad and all that) rose out of his seat to tell Jason "she's 52 and she's working four jobs" (four jobs? Since when??) and really put the nasty little twat in his place.

Unfortunately it was all in vain and Denise went home anyway. Shame.

That's it, k?


  1. I am literally only commenting this for the sake of it so you can have a comment. I'm not even going to pretend otherwise.

    Lots of love. x

  2. I had to do a double take at the picture of Madonna and Lourdes. Thought it was Madonna and Courteney Cox for a minute...

  3. HAHA I know what you mean.

    And Cokey your comment was in vain because someone else had something actually WORTHWHILE to say so UP YOURS.