Sunday, 13 February 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hiya it's me. I haven't written a proper blog like I'm about to in absolutely decades. Facebook campaigns have been started, people have stopped me in the street and last night the army arrived just to demand of me: "when is the next Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup coming?" THE ANSWER IS RIGHT NOW.

1. Awards have been won and things have been worn.


It can't have escaped your attention that awards have been going on all over the shop the last few days. First it was the BAFTAs (which, admittedly, you may have fallen asleep during due to the uninteresting Kimberley Walsh presenting the red carpet coverage) and then- where the action was really going on- the Grammy awards.

It's fair to say that Lady GaGa pretty much stole the show at the ceremony, where she performed her latest hit single Born This Way (which I heard in an out-on-the-town context for the first time last night only for the drag queen at Eazy Street to talk all the way through it and make predictable and unnecessary "born this gay" jokes which were laughed at by exactly 0 people).

It was more her entrance than her performance which got attention, though, as she was carried into the auditorium inside of a giant egg. Girl knows how to make an entrance, doesn't she? Can you imagine how gutted you'd be if you had done yourself all pretty, prepping yourself and going "wow, you look amazing, you will turn heads" and then when you get there you have to follow Lady GaGa in her giant egg up the red carpet? I'd be devastated. Of course, I'd want to do one better and probably have a massive poo right there on the red carpet just to make sure I made it into the papers. That's just me, though.

GaGa's actual performance was largely uninteresting, to be honest. Well apart from the fact that she hatched out of a giant egg at the start of it, only to then wear a hat resembling a yolk. Watch it for yourself here, including an introduction from (who else?) Ricky Martin:



Thing is, if that performance had been Britney Spears or even Madonna then it would be heralded as a massive success, but GaGa has set the bar so high for herself that, unfortunately, it seems we'll always remember the Grammys 2011 as the night she arrived in a giant egg rather than the night she gave a brilliant performance (she also won three awards, which should probably be commented on also).

It wasn't just GaGa turning heads on the red carpet, though, as Her Minajesty Nicki Minaj also arrived at the ceremony in what was literally a head-to-toe leopard print number, including a leopard print wig. It has to be seen to be believed:

Bitch is ferrrrocious.

It was also a big night for Emma Watson at the Elle Style Awards, where she was presented with the Style Icon award by powerhouse designer Vivienne Westwood who admitted she didn't know who the young actress was. I'm not surprised, if it were up to me Emma Watson wouldn't be winning any awards for her unimaginative and unadventurous choices of clothes while people like my beloved Nickinick and Paloma Faith are remembered solely for their fashion mistakes simply because they choose to be a bit daring.

2. Katy Perry has a surprise guest in her new video.


It's safe to say that four singles into the Teenage Dream album campaign, Katy Perry can say that things are going pretty well. She released four singles in 2010 (don't forget that Timbaland one, it is good), collaborating with greats like Snoop Dogg and Nicki Minaj (I'd like to say that will be the last time I will mention Nicki Minaj but, honestly, I'm promising nothing) and she even found the time to get married to Russell Brand off the telly.

Katy's not done shocking us just yet as she films the video for her latest single, ET. It's already been revealed that the UK release of the track will feature a rap from Tinie Tempah (a rap which, bizarrely, mentions David Walliams. but wrongly calls him David Williams which would not have happened had she chosen to have a certain female rapper on the track...), but a photo released by Katy's record label shows that there will be a surprise guest in the video. Can you guess who it is?

Nope.

Nope.

I'll tell you what, I'll just show you.

That's right, the US release of ET will feature a guest rap from none other than Kanye West. It's exciting stuff and just proves how much of a star Katy has become, as in the past Kanye has collaborated with greats like Lady GaGa, Rihanna and even Madonna.

Oh and Nicki Minaj as well. Just in case you felt she hadn't been name-dropped enough already.

3. Brace yourselves. They're back.


When I was 8 years old there was only one woman for me and that was Lisa Scott-Lee. I admired her class, her excellent dress sense and her obvious beauty. Even though photos like this one of bandmate Lee Latchford-Evans were making me funny in the trousers for reasons I didn't understand, I still vowed that one day I would marry Lisa and Steps would reign at the top of the charts for the rest of both of our lives.

Unfortunately that dream did not come to life, and eventually Steps broke my heart and split up. I blame this rejection of Lisa, and eventual abandonment by Steps, for my homosexuality in later life-- perhaps if Lisa had simply returned my love then things could have been so different. However, my dreams of Steps's perpetual reign at the top of the charts could come true after all as today when in a lecture I literally got this text from my mother:



That's right, folks. If reports are to be believed then, hot on the heels of the Blue/Eurovision re-union, Steps could well be reforming for a one-off charity concert, as well as a three-part reality TV show on Living detailing their journey back into the public eye.

As a former superfan of the band, I'm in two minds about the re-union. While undoubtedly it would be amazing to see my beloved Steps members back together, so much has changed since their split ten years ago and now, frankly, they're all massive losers. Claire Richards is running around eating ten pies one minute and shoving out a fitness video the next, H is making people call him Ian while he sits around the Big Brother house with Shilpa Shetty letting his foot-long nipples droop wearily in the Diary Room, and who could forget Totally Scott-Lee, Lisa's documentary featuring the best scene in TV history where Lisa finds out her latest single has missed out on the top 40 and announces "well...that's shit, innit?"

Basically, I have a few conditions.

SILLY OLD DANIEL'S CONDITIONS FOR THE STEPS RE-UNION TO HAPPEN
1. They must not do any new material unless it is "quite good" (don't want another Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) do we?)
2. Faye Tozer must get her dreadlocks back.
3. H must get over himself and revert back to his H persona.
4. That version of Lay All Your Love Me must be performed. Thank Abba For The Music must absolutely not.
5. Lisa Scott-Lee must not strut around like "her name was that bitch" and that all these "haters" are "mad" because she "is so established".

That is all.

Hurrah, I did a blog!
Yee-haw!

3 comments:

  1. As always Daniel, your blog amazes me.... BRAVO!!

    What amazes me the most is that Mrs W is not saved in your phone as "mam"!!

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  2. LMAO I know we have a very formal relationship when it comes to my mobile :p

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  3. The picture of ET was so simple yet I was laughing for about 20 minutes. I adore you.

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