Friday, 18 February 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello loves, it's Friday morning and I hope we are all well. We're on the cusp of another weekend, the sun is shining (it's not but let's pretend, eh?) and I am spending the day writing something for an actual outside website (they asked me to write it ages ago, but I am lazy, so I am). Speaking of outside websites, today it is Friday which means the latest Spark magazine is online and I have written another celebrity roundup for them, covering the various award ceremonies that have gone on this week, it's actually quite good if you like that sort of thing (which I presume you do as you are reading my blog right now).

ONE MORE THING. It's a special day on Sunday at Pride Radio, we're all off to the lovely Lee's house for a Come Mince With Me special, where Carla and myself have been billed as "the dessert". What can I say except I'm sweet and Carla's full of cream? I will probably use that joke on-air, if truth be told, unless I can think of anything funnier between now and then. Anyway we'll be on this Sunday, as we are every Sunday, 2pm-4pm but I'm sure it'll be a great sure so make sure you're listening online.

It's not all about me, though, as a whole load of shite has gone down since the last time I write a celebrity roundup, and now through the medium of the written word I will tell you about some of that aforementioned shite in yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

1. Ellie Goulding has a few sherries and decides to hit the social networking sites.


I'm in two minds about Ellie Goulding to tell you the truth. I saw her live a few months ago and she was surprisingly captivating, and I really like quite a few of her songs. But on the other side of the coin, I just find her so uninteresting that it almost hurts.

She was up for Best British Female at The Brit Awards this week, and after presenting the Critics' Choice Award to Jessie J she returned to her seat to find out if she had won. As it turns out, she hadn't. Laura Marling shocked everyone by winning the award, although I quite enjoy her music so it could have been a lot worse. I tell you what though, isn't she pale? She's practically translucent.

It's fair to say Ellie didn't take the news very well and later went on Twitter basically made a bit of a dick of herself. She tweeted:

"I feel like I've let you all down I'm so sorry :-("

Are you drunk, Miss Goulding? Have you had a naughty drink at The Brits and now you're pissed and upset?

"I just want to hug you all seriously im so sorry i love you all x"

I THINK THAT NAUGHTY ELLIE GOULDING HAS HAD A DRINK, DON'T YOU?

The tweets have since been removed from her profile suggesting that someone "grown-up" confiscated the drunken bint's phone and said "this will literally do you no good when you wake up in the morning". Amazing. Drunk tweeting from celebrities-- more of it, please!

2. Lil Kim continues to be a hater.


When was the last time anyone gave a shit about anything Lil Kim did? Think really hard. Was it Lady Marmalade? Was it Can't Hold Us Down (during both of which she played second-fiddle to that dreadful Christina Aguilera woman)? Was it... do you know I couldn't name a single other of her songs.

Yet when Nicki Minaj burst onto the scene, all guns blazing, Lil Kim was suddenly acting as if she had some sort of territory to protect. Now I'm not someone who knows a lot about rap music, but I know it's not cool to start slagging off your peers just because you're threatened by them. And that's what Lil Kim did, tearing into Nicki at every opportunity.

Nicki has never explicitly mentioned Kim in a derogatory manner, but it's rumoured that Nicki's part in Roman's Revenge is directed towards Lil Kim (and, celebrity dispute facts, Eminem's is allegedly directed towards Mariah Carey), but Nicki has kept a more-or-less dignified silence about the whole thing.

Lil Kim has sunk to a new low, though, as she recently unveiled the cover for her latest release, Black Friday. Perhaps we should first look at the cover for Nicki's album Pink Friday...

And here's the cover for Black Friday...

Wow. Subtle.

To put this in perspective, can you imagine if when Just Dance came out, instead of arse-kissing Madonna decided put out a new album where on the cover she was brandishing the severed head of Lady GaGa? Madness.

3. After a hundred years of waiting, Britney Spears has a new video.


After what has literally felt like the slowest single campaign since The Wanted promoted All Time Low drip by drip, Britney Spears has finally released the video for her latest single Hold It Against Me. It is quite good, but is not going to change the world. Parts of it are utterly predictable, and parts of it were quite surprising. Let's examine these parts.

PARTS THAT ARE PREDICTABLE.
1. Unflattering clothing to create the illusion Britney is still 17.

In this case it seems to be a garment too big to be considered knickers and too small to be considered hotpants, paired with a belt made out of bullets. She looks good but that outfit is just unnecessary.

2. Britney is trying to get the gays to pay attention to her.

Exhibit B - a man in tiny underwear bending over with his arse in the air LIKE HE'S READY TO BE ENTERED.

3. Tedious and unnecessary product placement.

The sight of Britney on that godforsaken dating site will stay with me until the day I die. What would have been a much better idea would be if AT THE START of the video Britney had gone on Plenty Of Fish, seen a guy's profile but been too shy to speak to him. Later, she co-incidentally runs into him at a series of different locations. Then, during the final chorus, she approaches him and says "If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?" and of course he would, so off they'd go to the toilets to have sex until the attendant realised something was going on and started banging on the door.

4. Britney punching above her weight in terms of dancing.


The dancing is what has let me down the most, but only because in the last chorus it simply isn't "big" enough. If you're going to choreograph your final chorus, you can't have had better choreography in the first verse, which is what we get in this. Also, Britney's dress is too tight so she can't bend over properly to whip her hair.

PARTS WHICH ARE SURPRISING (otherwise known as the amazing parts of the video)
1. Britney's jugs are looking fantastic.

Don't know if Britney's had a boob job or what but look at dem titties! Fantastic.

2. Surprise appearance of the Lucky video.

*key change* SHEEEEE IS SO LU-UUUCKY BUT WWHHHHHHYYYYY DOES SHE CRRRYYYYYYY? If they ever make a Britney jukebox musical that song will be a bit of dramatic irony.

3. Britney looks genuinely beautfiul

Not "sexy" or "OK considering" or "good for a mother-of-two", just genuinely really, really beautiful. A welcome sight. I usually slag "pretty Britney" off because to me its synonymous with "boring Britney", but credit where it's due, she looks brilliant.

4. Brief cameo from Kylie Minogue.

Lovely.

5. Britney kicking seven bells out of herself.


In what is clearly the best part of the video, Britney has a massive fight with herself. Symbolic, maybe? It's not quite what I had in mind for the dubstep breakdown, but I suppose that was the point.

6. Shoes

Good shoes, eh?

7. Desecrating her old videos by spunking up paint all over them.

She shows she's moved on from her "old" persona by shooting paint all over her old videos. I've done something very similar to pictures of her ex, Justin Timberlake.

AND FINALLY...

8. Britney is looking like a dancer again.

Back in the day Britney was a dancer who sang a bit, and it's good to see her taking the dancing seriously again.

I LOVE YOU BRITNEY

Reet I'm done.
Don't forget to listen to Pride on Sunday from 2pm!
Yee-haw!

3 comments:

  1. I love the new Britney video but there is a UK cut that has no product placement and more dancing. It was on 4music today and it's much better than the US cut. I laughed at the bit when she was fighting and shuffled in those shoes.
    I can't believe Lil Kim chose that album art, I'm shocked.

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  2. Ooooh I'm liking the idea of dancing instead of product placement, another reason Britannia rules all (Britannia being Britain rather than Britney herself, although she obviously rules all as well)

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  3. Hahahaha love the Nicki/lil kim stuff!

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