Friday, 28 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Right before I start this next blog I'm going to do another bit of self-promotion. First off, do check out Spark Sunderland, because my most recent Celebrity Roundup for them will be going online shortly. For the first time since I started writing for Spark I am actually happy with the article, so do give it a read because it is "quite good". You could even give it a comment and make me look really good. My dear friend Emma told me that me not swearing in my writing "is just weird" which makes me feel like I need to, in the words of Nicki Minaj, "wash [my] mouth out with soap, boys", so if you're after my foul mouthed rants then keep it hear with the blog.

ALSO just a little reminder that me and Carla are back on Pride Radio every Sunday afternoon 2pm-4pm, where we chat about shite, insult each other and play good music, and we've been getting really good feedback from it so far. It's basically an online version of both of our blogs, so if you're a fan of either of us then make sure you're listening online every Sunday afternoon at www.prideradio.co.uk (to be honest, all the other presenters are fantastic as well so even if we're not on I still recommend giving it a listen).

So anyway, back here at the blog I'm happy to inform you that famous people are continuing to live their lives, which is good for me because it means I can try my hardest to make you laugh at their expense in what has come to be known as the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Lady GaGa has an interesting perfume idea.

With all the fuss that surrounds her, it can be easy to forget that at the root of all Lady GaGa is a celebrity with an agenda and a brand to sell (unless, of course, you're watching the product placement in the Telephone video, which acts as a not-too-subtle reminder that money changes hands more than we realise within the music industry).

So anyway, following in the footsteps of such stars as Rihanna, Katy Perry and, err, Josie Gibson, it seems that the pop princess has decided to bring out her own perfume, allowing her beloved "little monsters" to finally smell like their idol. Not like GaGa to follow the crowd like that, is it?

And, of course, it's not. And she isn't. Because while the previously mentioned stars have fragrances boasting "fruity" and "girlie" scents, GaGa has chosen to do things a little differently. Inspired by fashion designer Rad Hourani (I've never heard of him, but perhaps some of you fashion folks have), GaGa has insisted that her future fragrance give off the aroma of "blood and semen".

Now I'm no expert, having not had sex in about a hundred years, but surely when the scent of semen is in the air, that's when it's time to leap in the shower. Why anyone would want to create the scent artificially, particularly mixed with blood, is beyond me. Unless it's not artificial, and GaGa is going to have someone spunk up in each bottle. I say someone, but I of course don't mean she herself because LADY GAGA DOES NOT HAVE A PENIS, YOU KNOW?? NO SHE DOES NOT, RIGHT?? ARE WE CLEAR???

Just wait till Cheryl Cole hears there's bottles of spunk going on the market, as well, given how desperate to have a baby reports are saying she is...

2. Jedward are ready for Eurovision.


My beautiful Jedward boys are not willing to fade into obscurity just yet. Unfortunately, since their X Factor journey ended, it seems I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with them, and so I'm delighted to report that they have admitted they are trying out for the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest.

After it was rumoured for some time, the boys have finally confirmed that they are one of five acts who will try and represent Ireland in the annual competition. The boys will be releasing their song Lipstick as a single, as well as performing it on Irish TV as they try and represent their home country.

The boys are current favourites to win the public vote, unlike during their time on The X Factor where each week the public prayed they would not be voted through to the next round, and I still really fancy them. Like, I proper, proper fancy them. The above image is the publicity shot for the single, and if I find the bitch who kissed them on their cheek leaving that lipstick print there in the first place I will kill the bitch.

I'm actually genuinely excited to hear the song, because it will be the first Jedward single that isn't a cover and I'm interested in what they come up with. However, if it turns out that Lipstickis a song about kissing girls, then I'm afraid I will kill myself.

3. Kelly Osbourne has been given an actual job.


A few days ago I told you about Christopher Ciccone, and how as a talentless sibling of a cultural icon, he will do anything to tarnish the reputation of his famous sister Madonna, who no longer speaks to him after the publication of his tell-all book Life With My Sister Madonna.

However, Madonna has showed this week that she doesn't hate all famous-for-no-reason celebuspawn as she's just unveiled Kelly Osbourne as the new face of her Material Girl fashion label.

That's right, Kelly can kiss queuing in the Job Centre goodbye (for now), as it seems that for the first time in her 26 years on God's green Earth, someone has finally found a purpose for this otherwise utterly pointless human being, as she'll be taking over from Taylor Momsen as the face of the fashion line designed by Madonna and her daughter Lourdes Ciccone.

Let's not forget, though, this is not the first time that Madonna and Kelly have crossed paths:



And if you think that's offensive, wait till you hear a track from her oft-forgotten second album. Don't Touch Me While I'm Sleeping tells the unfortunate story of a victim of date-rape in the most awkwardly unpoetic way possible:



Brutal.

And that's it for another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Enjoy your life, because one day we will die.

2 comments:

  1. Don't Touch Me is motherfucking poetry! ;DD

    ALSO if Gaga's perfume is going to smell of blood and spunk...remember Boudoir by Vivienne Westwood is supposed to smell like an orgasm...
    Hmm.

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  2. It's one thing smelling like an orgasm, another thing smelling like the product of an orgasm :p

    ReplyDelete