Sunday, 23 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

OK so I've been naughty and haven't written a blog in about a hundred years. I am actually quite busy at the minute though, and it's with stuff that you yourself can actually get behind. I've started writing my weekly thing for Spark Magazine which goes online every Friday, which is nice because a lot of my mates are also a part of it and I'm under the impression people actually read it. So far I've contributed two different celebrity roundups which you can read here and here, although they are now somewhat out-of-date, but you can still give them a read if you like. You might as well, the editor told me he thought they were "hilarious" (but then again he is my mate, and knows fine well that I am a massive crazy bitch and that criticising me in any way could potentially be fatal for him).

Also, just a reminder that every Sunday myself and Carla have our own slot on local gay station Pride Radio, where we discuss the goings on in the celebrity world as well as playing some stonking good music. We're on every Sunday afternoon from 2pm-4pm, which is perfect time for people who are either trying to procrastinate from doing revision or other such work, or are trying to nurse their hangovers. I'm hearing good things about it all, but once again this is mostly from friends who are too afraid of my craziness to tell me otherwise.

Now that I have made myself seem like things are busier than they are, let's get on with this blog I'm doing now, shall we? I'm actually trying to distract myself from my own revision at the moment, as I have an exam on Tuesday morning on Central Government. I have an awful feeling this exam is at 9am, which means I'm going to have to literally leave the house at 8am. Unless I have slept with you - which is, unfortunately, a disappointingly small proportion of the population - you have probably not seen me at 8am, but I can assure you it's not something anyone really wants to see. So, to keep my mind from wandering over to thoughts of failure, I am going to write a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup because it's been far too long, hasn't it..?

1. Nicki Minaj basically owns the UK.

Despite constantly adopting a mock British accent in her raps, Nicki Minaj (otherwise known as one of the greatest living humans) had never been to the UK before this week.

This all changed over the weekend, however, as Nicki made her London debut and caused a right old stir in the process, heading out all over the capital in a shocking pink wig which makes me crave candy-floss.

They say that since the rise of the Internet the world has got a lot smaller, and that it's no longer a big deal when celebrities hop from country-to-country in a matter of days. However, there was something rather old school about Nicki's trip to London, reminiscent of when a certain Lady GaGa first graced our shores with her tea-cup and her cute little bob for the filming of her notorious Paparazzi video. And if you thought Lady GaGa's little monsters were hardcore, Nicki's Barbz (for that is what she calls her fans, readers) might well have topped them.

In fact, British fans of Nicki Minaj were so hysterical that their idol had graced our shores, that they camped outside of her hotel in their hoards, much to the delight of their idol:

Slowly, though, the excitement of Nicki's "Barbz" was causing a bit of a problem for the other patrons of the hotel:

And, eventually, it all got too much:

At the end of 2010 I was afraid that the Nicki Minaj train was going to be de-railed by the end of 2011, but I am relieved to see this is certainly not the case. BITCH. IS. FIERRRRRCE.

2. Series 4, Episode 26: "Artificial Insemination".

You'd think that following her very public divorce, Cheryl Cole would be ready to leave domestic life in the past and, basically, be a big slag for a while. I hoped she would be out with Sarah Harding every night, getting absolutely sloshed and maybe smacking another toilet attendant about.

Unfortunately, if Sunday newspapers are to be believed (which, truthfully, they probably shouldn't be) Cheryl has decided that 2011 is the year she's going to have a baby. That's right, she's reportedly told so-called Derek Hough that she wants to have a baby- and that she is the man she wants to father her child.

I've seen this one. Will and Grace realise they want to have a baby together, but a series of mishaps mean that the fertility treatments are delayed, which gives Grace time to contemplate whether or not this is what she really wants. On her way to the fertility clinic she accidentally runs into Leo's horse, which is where they first meet. Encountering such a handsome and successful man makes Grace question whether or not she's been to quick to throw away her chances of happiness with a man who isn't Will. When Will finds out Grace has changed her mind they have a huge fight and stop speaking to each other (if I remember correctly, Karen and Jack trap them in a bouncy castle and they resolve their differences in there).

Apparently Derek's mormon upbringing mean that his family would have strong views if he were to father a child out of wedlock, which has made Derek apprehensive about Cheryl's longing for a child. That and the fact that he's the world's most flamboyant, and sexually ambiguous, man.

3. Them One Direction lads have made a right cock-up.

Can you imagine having sex with the lads from One Direction? Literally I can't think of a better way to spend an evening. Would you like to hear the order I'd have sex with them in? Alright then. I'd start with Harry, then I would have Niall. I fancy Harry more than Niall, but I think it'd be better to start on a high, as having sex with the one I fancied the least before anyone else would put me in a bad mood. Then I'd have Liam. Then Zayn. And finally I would have sex with Louis, who is the one I fancy the most but at the same time there is always the worry that after Liam and Zayn I would have no stamina left, so perhaps I will re-think that. I wouldn't have to worry about Harry and Niall as I imagine they are shit in bed, if I'm being honest.

So anyway, Louis and Harry had a bit of a TwitCam session earlier. I didn't see it myself because I knew that as soon as I started watching I would only end up tweeting obscenities at them and eventually being sent a cease and desist letter. Anyway, as part of the tomfoolery BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT LOUIS AND HARRY ARE LIKE THEY ARE THE LOOSE CANNON JOKERS OF ONE DIRECTION MY GOODNESS CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT YOUR MUM WOULD SAY IF YOU BROUGHT THEM HOME (personally my mam would shit her pants she fancies Harry that much), they decided to give Matt Cardle a ring.

This was the point a hiccup in the proceedings emerged, as Matt wasn't answering his phone. So, in the style of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, they boys decided to put Matt on speakerphone and leave a hilarious message on his voicemail. This was where they turned from Jackass-style pranksters into very naughty boys (and I don't even mean that in a sexual context) as they ended up broadcasting Matt's number out to a hoard of young girls (and journalists) watching them on camera.

The story doesn't end there, though, folks:

And so now it would appear that some poor woman is being bombarded with phone calls, due to an error made by some pricks who came third on The X Factor. Good job, bell ends. However, if any of you would like to have sex with me I am more than up for it. Preferably not Niall.

That's it for another roundup!


  1. I think Zayn is the fittest, followed by Louis, Liam, Harry then the other one.

    I wish I'd seen that, I would text Cardle abuse for a week. Cunt.

  2. Should I be ashamed or proud to say I don't even know the names of the One Direction boys...?? And what is that direction anyway? Up ? Down ?

  3. Super round up and silly old One Direction opps.

  4. harry probably is shit in bed he is from holmes chapel after all... and i live basically down the road, yeah my claim to fame ;)

    but i fancy pants off harry and liam and louis and niall (in that order, though now and then swapping harry and liam) but zayn just creepy me out i think its his girly eyes :P xx