Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm right behind with my celebrity gossip so there is going to be more shit than usual today, because there is quite a lot going on in the world of celebrity. Also it may interest you to hear that I've just written my very first Celebrity Roundup for Sunderland Uni's Spark Magazine, which is run by my good mate Nic who is lovely. He is so lovely that I nicked his hairstyle off him and then ended up being mates with him. THERE IT IS; A CONFESSION. He is not as much of a big homo as me but he is getting there (nar man).

So anyway, yeah, there's gonna be stuff over there in the near future that will be worth checking out. Only sticky wicket is that I am not allowed to swear over there, which I found very difficult. I tried explaining this to my mam who gave me a horrified look and said: "You don't swear on your blog do you?? WHAT KIND OF WORDS DO YOU SAY??" To illustrate my point, here are some of the expressions used in my last blog that will not be appearing on the Spark site:

1. "He was practically shouting from the rooftops that he wanted to rest his pubeless ballsack upon her beautiful Geordie chin"
2. "Then he made a right dick of himself"
3. "She happened to mention that she hadn't had any dick in absolutely ages"
4. "Looking for anything he can push his tiny erection into".

Can I just stress that this is all in one story about Justin Bieber? So basically I have had to tone it down for what is essentially a website aimed at teenagers and young people. So if you flick between the two it will basically be like watching Family Guy on Fox and watching it on Adult Swim, when suddenly they all start saying the f word and talking about shagging.

Some of it might be similar and some of it might be different. Basically I have only written one thing so let's not get too ahead of ourselves, shall we not? The moral of the story is, celebrities are continuing to do things and now I am going to talk about some of these things in what I like to call the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Victoria Beckham is going to push another human out of her vagina.


My favourite couple in the whole wide world (apart from Carole and Taff, obviously) are going to have another baby. It's been revealed by a representative for Victoria Beckham that she is pregnant with her fourth child, and no information has been given apart from that. Literally, we don't even know for sure that the father is David Beckham or not. I was talking about this with my friend Katie on the phone last night, could you imagine if it turned out Victoria had been shagging Ashley Cole all along? Literally, can you imagine? Presumably she hasn't though so let's not go starting any rumours.

People reckon that Victoria and David are hoping that fourth time around they'll finally get the daughter they've always wanted, but personally I can see a downside to it all. It might start out lovely; putting her in little dresses, sticking a bow to her bald head and parading her around to make all your barren friends jealous- but what about as she gets older? By the time this baby is 15, Victoria will be in her mid-40s and will have a slender and beautiful teenager to contend with on the red carpet. UNLESS AS HER TEENAGE REBELLION, THE BECKHAM DAUGHTER GETS REALLY FAT AND ENDS UP LIKE CHAZ BONO. Imagine, literally imagine.

I tell you what though, I don't fancy being around Victoria later in the pregnancy when the hormones kick in, she'll be even more of a crazy bitch than normal. And as for when she starts having strange cravings for...solid foods. Strange times.

2. It's not looking good for Joe McElderry.


2010 wasn't quite the year Joe McElderry might have hoped for, particularly as his X Factor alumni like Olly Murs, Lucie Jones and Jedward seem to be going from strength to strength. His first single did alright, reaching number 4 in the charts, but it was accompanied by a terrible dance routine. I was doing the Ambitions routine at Powerhouse on Halloween and accidentally punched Sophie. So sorry about that mate. But you had it coming.

Poor sales of followup single Somebody Wake Me Up, which failed to make the Top 40 (charting at a fairly shit 68), Simon Cowell has decided not to release any more singles from his debut album. As if that wasn't enough of a kick in the nuts, his contract with Cowell's record label ran out in December and it's looking increasingly like it's not going to be renewed, which would mean Joe being dropped from the label just over a year after winning his series of The X Factor in 2009.

The question is, what can Joe do to remind us he exists...?


I mean really, what is it practically every other guy from his series has done to get attention from the public...?

I just can't think, can you...?

Hmmm...

3. Nicki Minaj is up for a Lady GaGa collaboration.


It is lazy journalism to simply compare everyone under the sun to Lady GaGa, but in the case of Nicki Minaj it is somewhat inevitable. They are both women in their mid-20s from New York, at the top of their respective games and known for their flamboyant style and support for the gay community.

In an interview for E! Online, the idea of a possible collaboration with GaGa was thrown into the conversation, and Nicki said: "I'd definitely be open to it", describing the reigning Queen of the charts as "badass". To be honest, it's only a matter of time before it happens, after all Lady GaGa is probably the only human being in the world who hasn't yet collaborated with Nicki at some point or another.

Meanwhile, Nicki is making an appearance on the front of this month's V magazine in a photoshoot which she dedicates to her "gays and fashionistas". Lovely:

LOOK AT THOSE TITS. Amazing.

4. Cheeky cheeky.

Right, so it seems that one of The Cheeky Girls has been arrested for shoplifting earlier in the week. Before you go getting any dramatic Winona Ryder-style images of glamour and crime in your mind, let me tell you that this particular incident took place at Sainsburys, rather than a bustling NY department store.

Basically, Gabriela (not sure which one she is in the picture, but she was the one who was engaged to that MP) was detained by police after trying to steal what was believed to be around £40 worth of foodstuffs from the supermarket chain.

The girls' mother, in a shock twist, has claimed that the reason her daughter was shoplifting was as research for an upcoming gangster film the twins are said to be a part of. I don't watch a lot of gangster films, I'll admit, but I don't think many of them have plots that revolve around stealing cauliflowers and tins of baked beans, do you?

Mind you, whatever her motive, surely we should be encouraging the 4-stone Cheeky Girls to get food any way they can, even if it does involve theft? I'll tell you what, when trying to find a photo of The Cheeky Girls I stumbled upon this rather distressing image...

...which first outraged me, but later just made me angry that Jedward don't do photo shoots like this. Give them time, eh?

*head explodes at thought*

5. She's back, bitch.

Basically, Britney Spears has a new song called Hold It Against Me. It premiered on Monday and it is better than I could have ever have imagined. True, it is not as good as Womanizer but it is still really very good. It has a mental dubstep breakdown (not as mental, of course, as Britney's own breakdown, but still pretty mental) and Britney sings the word "hazy", pronouncing it "high zigh". Amazing.

If you'd like to listen to it, then here it is Thing is, I can't help but feel it would be a lot better if it started with the immortal line "it's Britney, bitch". So I took it upon myself to amend the song. Does this count as a remix, I wonder? Can I officially call this Hold It Against Me (Silly Old Daniel Remix)?:



Yeah. So basically, I think this enhances the song by approximately 100000%. I may go through Britney's entire back catalogue adding "it's Britney, bitch" to the beginning. In fact, why stop at Britney? Every song ever. Imagine how much more seriously the other countries would take us if the National anthem began with "it's Britney, bitch". JUST IMAGINE IT.

Right I think that's more than enough
Sorry I've gone on a bit but this is my blog and I'll do what I damn well please, alright???
Roundup over.
Yee-haw!

4 comments:

  1. THAT IS LITERALLY THE BEST REMIX I HAVE EVER HEARD

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  2. Noooo! There's some copywright thingy on it which means I can't watch the Britney video coz I'm from Australia noooooo D:

    Still...brilliant :D

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  3. I've never been here before, but bugger me, I'm coming back for sure. Lovely entertaining blog and some lovely photos. not so silly and not so old Daniel. Great stuff.

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