Tuesday, 4 January 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hi everyone, hope 2011 is treating you nicely. So far I have spent 50% of my year having nights out, which sounds very exciting but we are literally at the end of the fourth day of the year. Shame, really. The first night out came with those crazy cats from Pride Radio (including Carla who I co-host with on Sunday afternoons, literally check us out we are quite funny) where I drank too much vodka and made a fool of myself by crawling along the floor to Madonna's Like A Virgin (inspired by this performance for any bystanders wondering what the fuck I was doing) and telling a guy I once went home with that I "hated him". Ouch. I did win a game of Wii Darts against local drag queen Ophelia Balls, so it was a night for small victories (as well as large embarrassments).

Last night was a much more sober affair (for me, at least, but I can not vouch for my naughty friends), but no less fun. Plus I wasn't sick on my stairs last night, which was an improvement. Digital did play Like A Virgin, but this time I managed to resist crawling along the floor (just as well, the amount of glass on Digital's floor, not to mention the unfriendly patrons who wouldn't think twice about trampling me to death).

It's not just about me, though (although, realistically, in my head it is) as celebrities have been doing all kinds of shite since new year. Would you like to hear about some of that shite? What's that? You would? Well, you're in luck. Let's get cracking with 2011's very first Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Nadine Coyle is horny (not really). (Twitter)

It might seem like she's happy with her fiancé Jason Bell, but Nadine Coyle perhaps let slip a little more than she meant to on her Twitter earlier this evening.

Answering comments and questions put to her by fans on the social networking site (she's got nothing better to do I suppose, not like she could be using this time TO PLAN A GIRLS ALOUD RE-UNION OR ANYTHING) she came across someone who told her he was her biggest crush growing up to which she kinkily replied:

"Are you all grown up now?" What a tease, eh? Who knew Nadine Coyle was actually a closet cougar? Using Twitter to round up her prey-- she's even worse than that naughty Jason Manford...

2. Victoria Beckham has royally dropped a bollock (or, in this case, a tit). (Mirror)

Do you remember years and years and years ago when Victoria Beckham's tits suddenly got really big and everyone went "my Christ you've really obviously had a boob job" and she was like "eeeeh no I haven't" even though her breasts were now absolutely gargantuan, despite the fact she clearly didn't weigh half as much as one of her own mammoth mammaries? For the heterosexual men and lesbians amongst you (I know you're out there and, while I don't agree with you, I thank you for keeping the human race alive and keeping Alanis Morissette in a record deal respectively) let's re-visit this beautiful time:

Bloody hell you could have your eye out on one of them things! Right, so Victoria vehemently denied having had a boob job, even though her titties were practically circus-freak levels of enormous by this stage in the game. And call me naive but I believed her. I thought "good for her responding to the rumours by saying she didn't have fake tits. I like you Victoria Beckham, and I believe you are being honest".

Thing is, though, she recently did an interview with British Vogue and it's come to light this week that she made the throwaway comment: "No torpedo bazookas, either [presumably she is referring to her breasts and not weapons of massive destruction at this point]. Gone."

But then that awful thing happened where she realised she'd said too much, and even though it was too much and her naughty little secret was out, she smoothed over it and made no further comment about her magical exploding boobies. It was too late, of course. The damage was done. And now her secret is out.

Thing is, I suddenly feel like a proper idiot. If it turns out she was lying about that, what else are celebrities lying about? Britney Spears has always denied having a boob job-- could it be she's had one too? What about David Beckham, could it be he actually cheated on Victoria after all? I'll tell you one thing, though, folks. This doesn't stop being amazing at any point:

Of course, the biggest "Solo Spice Girl Hot Mess" has to go to Ride It by Geri Haliwell:

Literally amazing.

3. Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift have split up. (Daily Mail)

That's it, really. They were shagging for a short while and now they've split up. She'll probably get a song out of it (does anything rhyme with Jake Gyllenhaal? Dylan's ball, perhaps?), and he'll probably never mention it again.

To tell you the truth I don't really care, but it's a trending topic on Twitter and when the news broke Perez Hilton wrote something along the lines of "OMG HAVE YOU HEARD THE AMAZING EARTH-CRUSHING NEWS I'VE JUST POSTED ON MY BLOG????", so presumably Taylor Swift splitting up with the man I was obsessed with at the age of 15 (the age where Taylor Swift herself says if somebody tells you they love you you're going to believe them) is a big story. And obviously these days I'm only covering the big stories.

Ignoring, obviously, the first one on this page which was completely fabricated by me.

That's your lot.

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