Thursday, 23 December 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Christmas Eve Roundup.

It's Christmas Eve, motherfuckers! Can you believe it? Truthfully, no I can't believe it, I still feel like I'm not really ready for the big day and have the overwhelming feeling I've forgotten something, so some poor member of my family will have nothing to unwrap come Christmas morning. Not long before I'll be settling in for my annual trip to St. James's Church before hurrying home to watch The Muppets Christmas Carol, undoubtedly the greatest Christmas film that ever has been and ever will be. No one does Christmas quite like The Muppets, and I can tell you this because just last night I went to my sister's flat to watch It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie. I'm not sure how much I mention my sister on my blog, but she is amazing and I adore her.

This will be my last Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup before Christmas, so I'm wishing you all Happy Holidays. Hope Santa brings you whatever you want, don't drink too much and if your relatives are getting on your tits, do try and keep it to yourself just for this one day a year. Wonder what celebrities are doing this festive season? Well I will tell you.

1. She's comin' home, she's comin' home, she's comin'... (Metro)

As Piers Morgan insensitively probed her in an interview earlier this year, Cheryl Cole confessed that her life had become unbearable and she wished she could run Newcastle. There are many reasons she might have said this:

1. Stateside diner.
2. £3 trebles at Gotham Town.
3. She can be nearer to Joe McElderry.
4. There are many pretty bridges over the river Tyne.
5. Fenham Pool.
6. Her mam lives there.

Aye, that wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. So anyway, right, Cheryl said she wished she could jack it all in and go back to Newcastle, and so that's what she's decided she's going to do this Christmas.

Apparently she'd already been planning to spend Christmas with Derek Hough in LA, where he'd been busily tidying his house, getting everything nice for her spending the festive season with him. However Cheryl's had a change of heart, and after a difficult year (I'm not sure if you've heard but she had a rather public divorce and and then nearly died of bloody malaria, the poor dear) she decided she'd rather spend Christmas with her mam and her brother. Her brother saw me dressed as her for Halloween and apparently found it "hilarious" according to sources on Facebook. Not exactly what I was aiming for, but whatever.

Wonder if Cheryl will get to see this sign while she's home:


2. Enrique Iglesias is fucking you tonight. (Perez Hilton)

If you don't fancy Enrique Iglesias then it's simple: you fancy women. A similar test can be carried out with Kelly Brook. If you don't fancy either of them, I advise you see some class of a doctor. So anyway, as Christmas approaches I'm sure there are many of you reading this who'd agree the best present of all would be Enrique telling you that he is going to fuck you tonight. Imagine it. Imagine him actually saying him it to you.

Well you don't have to imagine it anymore, because in his brand new single Enrique spells it out for you via the medium of song. He released the video for the song, entitled quite bluntly Tonight (I'm Fucking You), today and it's caused quite a stir. There's bare tits in it for starters! Actual bare breasts! And then there's an orgy! An actual full-on orgy! And all these girls try and take Enrique's clothes off, but unfortunately his clothes stay on:

Naughty, eh? Nice of Ludacris to show up, as well. It seems he might have lost a bit of street-cred ever since he did that Justin Bieber track, and the only way for him to remind people he's bad-ass is to sit in the back of a limo with a string of women on a track about fucking. Well done all concerned. A fine day for misogyny.

3. Sharon Osbourne visited by three ghosts during the night. (Digital Spy)

Natural beauty Sharon Osbourne has had a change of heart following long-time feud with X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, possibly due to a visit from three Dickens-esque ghosts this festive season.

While chatting to her dear friend Louis Walsh as she stood in for Lorraine Kelly on her chat-show, The X Factor came up inevitably in the conversation (after all what else does Louis have going on in his life beside Westlife?) Louis had nothing but praise for Dannii, who claims in her otherwise uninteresting autobiography that he and Sharon bullied her when she joined the talent show in 2007, saying she "worked hard" and was "very independent".

More shockingly still Sharon, who said Dannii was on the show purely because Simon Cowell fancied her and invited David Duchovny to look at her arse when he asked what Dannii Minogue looked like, added "she did absolutely great". Wow! Could this finally be the end of the Osbourne/Minogue spat? Have they finally drawn a line under all the ugliness that went on between them? Does this mean that Kelly Osbourne no longer believes Dannii Minogue is the devil? Because, if nothing else, let's remember this festive season...Kelly Osbourne believes that Dannii Minogue is the devil. Really. She does. Amazing.

That's it!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

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