Friday, 31 December 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

This is it, friends. 2010 has almost drawn to a close, and a blank canvas lies ahead. And what a year it's been. We've seen the last ever Big Brother, Joe McElderry came out as gay and Matt Cardle took over his place as X Factor champion. Cheryl Cole showed Ashley the door, Will and Kate got engaged, and Russell and Katy tied the knot in India. Lady GaGa went out with a phone on her head, then a dress made of meat. Lindsay Lohan went to prison, so did George Michael. Whitney's comeback tour didn't go to plan, neither did albums from Christina Aguilera and Nadine Coyle. And, of course, Kelly Osbourne called Dannii Minogue "the devil".

And so, before 2010 fades into our memories, let's have one last Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and see what lies ahead in 2011 for my beloved celebrities...

1. Chris Brown is still a stupid dickhead. (Holy Moly)


It's good to know that Chris Brown entered 2010 hated by the general public, and that's exactly how he'll be leaving it as another year dawns. Last night he caused quite the stir by having a war of words over Twitter with a rival R&B star.

It wasn't just hair-pulling and arm-prodding, though, as Chris Brown decided to go down the ever-popular homophobic route. You see, the only way to really show up your opponent in a slanging match these days is to make people think that he takes it up the chuff in a homosexual way.

"Dick in da booty ass lil boy", said Chris to his rival over Twitter before declaring that "he's not homophobic" and insisting he would not be deleting his unnecessary tweets.

He has since deleted them. Probably because he realises it can't even come close to 2010's greatest tweet:

Amazing.

2. There is going to be new Britney Spears music very soon. (Digital Spy)

Stop what you're doing, everyone...Britney Spears is back and she is ready to re-claim her throne in pride of place at the top of the pop charts after a year-long absence.

Her newest single Hold It Against Me is set to hit the Interweb in just seven short days time. Not long to go until the lead single from Britney's upcoming seventh studio album, following on from Circus what I got for Christmas from my very first boyfriend.

Here is what I suggest you do over the next seven days to prepare yourself for Britney's new material. Think of this as your second advent now that Christmas is all over:

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR BRITNEY SPEARS:
DAY 1. Slip on your old school uniform and do a little turn.
DAY 2. Wrap a cobra around your neck, writhe around in a saucy manner and generally piss off the people down at PETA.
DAY 3. Get off with Madonna. If she is not at hand, any other pensioner available will do.
DAY 4. Gain a bit of weight and start to go off the rails slightly. By this time we are four days into the New Year and will probably have abandoned the diet you started as part of your New Years Resolutions and smoked every cigarette in the house anyway, promising next year you won't even bother with New Years Resolutions.
DAY 5. Go shopping with a relative's infant child and very nearly almost drop them. If you have your own infant this will work better. If you have a car, sit them comfortably on your lap so there is more room to put your bags on the seat.
DAY 6. Have a quickie wedding with your childhood sweetheart to rebel about those bastards who are trying to control your life.
DAY 7. It's officially Britney day. Listen to her new material, preferably wearing this cutout Britney mask.


If you're using scissors, make sure you ask a grownup to help you. Preferably, in true Britney style, the most irresponsible adult present. If any of you freaks actually do listen to her new song wearing the mask, please tweet me a picture. I will die.

3. Cher Lloyd ain't goin' anywhere, bitches. (Daily Mail)


And for the last ever story I will report of 2011, it's a tale of hope for the future for one of my favourite celebrities of 2010. It's been widely reported that X Factor finalist Cher Lloyd has been snatched from under the nose of will.i.am (good!) and has landed herself a place at Jay-Z's coveted Roc Nation record label.

Despite reports initially saying that finalists Rebecca Ferguson and One Direction had been signed to Simon Cowell's own label, alongside winner Matt Cardle, it's not looking like Cher's managed to land aa deal elsewhere. Personally, I think this is the best Cher-related news we could possibly have got, and she'll have a great home at Roc Nation alongside acts like Beyoncé and Rihanna, as well as new acts like Willow Smith.

I predict big things in Cher's future for 2011 and I think she's more than earned them. She's proved she's got a strong head on her shoulders (to match her strong jaw), particularly in light of the media harassment she's suffered as part of her X Factor journey. I think she could be one of the most successful X Factor alumni of all time. Of course, I could well be eating my words this time in 12 months but we'll see won't we...?

That is literally it for 2010. I hope you have enjoyed the past 12 months of celebrity roundups. Hope you have an excellent New Year. Whatever you do, don't forget...

This was literally the year when Kelly Osbourne said that Dannii Minogue is the devil.

The devil.

Amazing.

3 comments:

  1. Very excited about the Britney news, did you see the mtv poll 'Britney Spears Vs. Lady Gaga: Which Diva Will Rule 2011?'?
    Britney got over 60%
    I hope they brush her hair and put her in a outfit that actually fits for the new video, 3 was a complete nightmare/hot mess.

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  2. I don't approve of polls like that, to be honest, there is room for everyone in my opinion

    Britney is the best, obv :p

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  3. I love the new Brit song and your 'remix' was a vast improvement on the original ;)
    I hope she's going to perform at the Grammys and do an amazing dance to the dub step bit x

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