Monday, 13 December 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I had a fucking great power cut last night, meaning I still haven't seen the first half of this week's X Factor Final where Christina Aguilera made a dick of herself and Cher Lloyd got voted off the show but hopefully will rise out of the ashes like a beautiful phoenix with heavily exaggerated eyebrows. Now then, I have 1 hour and 58 minutes until my laptop completely runs out of juice. I've just sent my tutor my draft of the personal statement for the application form for my year abroad next year. I'm rewarding myself for a job well done with a brand new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. Let's turn this mother out...

1. The world has been saved, Nicola Roberts is going solo. (Shiny and New)

While things aren't going too sweetly for poor old Nadine Coyle and Cheryl Cole is facing up to her first year of not winning The X Factor since she joined the series, things are looking up for one of Girls Aloud (I'm sure you can imagine I'm not talking about Kimberley Walsh, for whom the Girls Aloud re-union can't come quickly enough). That's right, Nicola Roberts has finally been recognised for the talent that she is and been given a solo recording contract with Universal.

This could go either way. Nicola is so endearing and strange that her album could be a massive success, particularly if it is well-produced, sophisiticated disco-pop along the lines Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Mini Viva, two acts I think Nicola should consider as muses during the production of her album. Xenomania had better have a hand in there as well. If it isn't a success, I don't think Nicola has enough hype surrounding her for it to be considered a flop like Nadine's (which people were, if we're being honest, simply waiting to flop because we all hate her so much) so it's pretty much win win for Nicola.

Good on you, girl. You've come a long way since being considered the ginger, funny-looking one out of Girls Aloud.

2. Miley Cyrus has been proper naughty. (Holy Moly)

They said it would be Britney Spears all over again, and they were fucking right. Miley Cyrus was filmed this week smoking a bong and getting all giggly while her mate filmed it all on her mobile. Now I'm not being funny, but if I were a superstar teen sensation (what am I saying "if"?) and I had a hankering for some illegal drug-taking, I'd make sure no fucker had their phone out filming the whole debacle, only for it to end up on TMZ. Saying that, I've never done drugs before (yes really) so I imagine it makes you forgetful.

Wanna watch Miley all fucked up on drugs? YES SO DO I:

What a dick she's making of herself, eh? Her spokesperson was quick to deny that Miley was doing anything illegal as apparently the substance she was smoking in the video was "salvia", which I have never heard of (because I don't do drugs), but apparently you're allowed this in the state of California. Don't know about you, but I think that's an absolute crock of shite, but I suppose we'll never know, and it gets Miley off the hook for now.

Her career's still on something of a downward spiral, though, and I really don't give it long before Miley is yet another addition to the list of tragic stars we see stumbling about the place in a drunken daze, tutting and shaking our heads before moving on and finding some other 16-year-old whose every move we can follow until we push her into substance abuse and mental illness as well.

Either that or Miley's just a teenager trying a bit of pot with her mates for a larff, and we all need to get a life and stop judging.

What I do find most alarming about the video, though, is the person in the background enjoying a bag of Frosties, which is surely the best bit of product placement since Lady GaGa stuck a Virgin Mobile in her crotch.

3. You didn't listen to me and now someone boring has won The X Factor. (3am)

So I told you not to, but it still looks like you lot have been voting for Matt Cardle in droves, and now he is The X Factor champion for 2010, beating off competition from Rebecca Ferguson who is absolutely lush and really deserved it a lot more. But no. We had to vote for Matt, because sometimes he did a "single tear" cry and wore a vest in Beatles week, even though stories indicate he's a chauvinist and he looks like he has no neck. This is the second time Dannii Minogue has had an act win the competition, and the second time her act has had as much charisma as a box of hair.

I think the most startling thing about tonight's show (apart from a distinct and disappointing lack of Cher Lloyd) was during Matt's second performance of his winner's single (some Biffy Clyro song I've never heard before but indie twats on Twitter are going mad about an X Factor winner using it as their debut single-- fuck off you bunch of bores) when Harry Styles off of One Direction (who my mam reckons she doesn't fancy but she clearly does) grabbed Matt and seemed to whisper something in his ear.

"I wonder what he just said," said my mam, trying in vain to hide her sexual frustration after the appearance of her beloved Harry.

It seems it wasn't just my mam who was curious as to what went on there, as journalists all over the shop have been calling lip-readers all over the shop. And what do they believe Harry whispered to Matt as he was unveiled as this year's winner?

"Think how much pussy you're gonna get"

Watch it. Watch it again. Watch it a third time. Yup. He said it. Looks like those lip-readers have uncovered that Harry is something of a lip-reader himself (that's right, I made a labia joke).

And as this year's X Factor draws to a close, I never did find a use for this hilarious screen-grab of Dannii Minogue, so I'll just stick it in here for the hell of it, because realistically when am I ever going to get the chance to use it again?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the best facial expression of X Factor 2010:


That's it.
Get lost.

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