Monday, 22 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It doesn't seem like five minutes since I last did a Silly Old Celebrity Roundup. There's that poem, isn't there, called "Bloody Men Are Like Bloody Buses" where it says that men are like buses because you wait ages for one and then loads come along at once, and I think my blog is like that. Mind you, if that's true about loads of men coming along at once, I'm still waiting I can tell you.

Strangely, my head of year once read that poem out to us at Sixth Form during a Valentines Day assembly before her husband appeared from the back of the room reciting a sonnet to display to us teenagers how real romance should go. More strangely still, a few months later she announced to us she was pregnant, which prompted a round of applause from the year group. In what can only be described as the greatest quote of my life, my dear friend Emma then leaned over to me and said: "Yes, well done for having sex". Amazing.

So anyway, since I last updated my blog, famous people have been doing things left, right and centre. This is good for me because the reason I stopped blogging so much, as well as generally being too busy to stick to the pattern I'd been in previously, was because celebrities had become so boring. So let's find out what they've been up to the last few days...

1. Loose Women have worn ill-fitting dresses and helped orphans or something. (Daily Mail)

It's a known fact that the highlight of every day in the Welsh household comes when we all gather around the television and watch that day's Loose Women we have recorded on Sky Plus. At the moment our TV is being fixed, so my parents are watching today's show on ITV player as I write this.

During one of last week's shows, the girls (particularly Carol McGiffen and Sherrie Hewson) were discussing the nerves they were feeling due to their upcoming performance of The Promise on this year's Children In Need, which took place on Friday night. As well as the aforementioned tuneless duo, Zoe Tyler, Andrea McLean and Denise Welch (who is believed to have been wearing five or six pairs of Spanx to help her into her glittering gold dress) were heard belting out the Girls Aloud track. Let's hear how they got on, shall we?:

If there is anything sweeter than the tuneless warbling of Sherrie Hewson, I'm yet to find it. Tell you what though, Zoe Tyler can sing but you cannot go putting on that shitty jazz voice when you're doing a Girls Aloud track. Next she'll be performing Something Kinda Ooooh as an opera duet, featuring Rhydian...

2. Nadine Coyle does herself no favours. (4Music)

I tell you what it is, Nadine Coyle makes it very difficult to defend herself. I think the image she's trying to put out at the minute is that while she's doing her solo career she'd prefer not mention Girls Aloud, but come along now. There's trying not to let your past dominate your present and then there's just being a big bitch.

In an interview with 4Music, him off T4 whose name I'm not actually sure of but you'll know who I mean when you see him asked Nadine what the rest of the band have been up to since they went on hiatus, and while she was correctly able to say that Cheryl Cole has been very busy being the most famous woman in the United Kingdom, her knowledge of the other girls is a bit cringe-inducing.

She starts off talking about Sarah Harding before going on to basically say it was a massive failure, making excuses that the acting industry is hard for a popstar to break into the film industry (tell that to Jennifer Hudson). Then she started mentioning Nicola Roberts and her makeup range but trailed off before she got to say "Nicola has, of course, become one of them people who are always at the front row in Fashion Week despite not actually contributing anything to the world of fashion, and was known this time five years ago as the ugliest member of the world's chavviest girlband".

The best bit was yet to come, though, as Nadine just forgot that bandmate Kimberley Walsh existed. "Is that everyone?" she asked awkwardly, clearly forgetting- much like the rest of the world- that Kimberley Walsh ever was. When reminded she said, quite humorously, "Oh. Well...I don't know what she's doing either" before letting out a little giggle. If you'd like to watch the interview yourself then here it is:

I'm quite liking this naughty, bitchier side to Nadine. Tell you what, though, there's still no excuse for that indecipherable accent nor her horrendous debut solo single.

3. You have not heard the last of Gamu yet. (Daily Record)

As 2010 draws to a close, I genuinely thought to myself "Well, , a year that has brought us some laughs and some tears may soon be over, but at least I'll never have to hear the name Gamu again as long as I live."

However, I've been proven wrong. Continuing in the theme of "bell ends buying any old shite just so someone doesn't get to achieve their life dream", another alternative song has been suggested as the antidote to The X Factor winner's single making it to Christmas Number 1, and this year it's Gamu's turn to try and topple the Simon Cowell regime. She's releasing the song Where Will You Sleep This Christmas?, a patronising and dreary number designed to make you feel guilty about enjoying your Christmas when there are some people out there having a right old shite time.

It is all for charity, with all the proceeds going towards helping disadvantaged children, so I shouldn't really slag it off so much. But really, a cheery number with all the proceeds going to charity would have been just as effective, Gamu. I understand you were nationally humiliated a few months ago, and are currently facing deportation, so you're not really in the mood for an All That Jazz-style toe-tapping romp, but there's no need to drag us all down with you. Especially at Christmas, you'll have people sobbing into their stuffing for Heavens sake.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup

1 comment:

  1. Nadine has the most ridiculous accent in the universe, it is hideous, and she is a cunt.