Sunday, 21 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I suppose you're here because you want to hear things that celebrities have been doing, and then you want me to slag these things off and remind you how ridiculous it is we are all endeared to celebrity culture. But do not look down on celebrities. I love them all. It is now time for another, shorter but more frequent now I'm not limited to five stories on a Friday, Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Katie Waissel has a manky new hairstyle. (Daily Mail)

On tonight's Beatles-themed episode of The X Factor, the award for "performance of the night" should really go to Katie Waissel. It won't, and she will probably be in the bottom two again tomorrow for the simple reason that she is posh and posh people are not allowed to be popstars because we don't like them. Here is a list of posh people that we, as the Great British Public, can generally agree are alright:

Alright Posh People
1. Stephen Fry
2. Posh Spice (note: not actually posh, just misleadingly titled to make you think she is)
3. Prince William
4. That is all.

Thing is, Katie's performance of Help! was absolutely amazing. Katie's had a bit of a tough time since she started on The X Factor, being accused of being fame-hungry and desperate for attention. Thing is, bitches, why would anyone apply for X Factor if they weren't craving the thrill of fame? One thing I've never understood about Katie is the people who say she is fake, if you ask me she's never pretended to be anything other than what she is; completely over-the-top to the point of nausea and, of course, infuriatingly annoying. But is she a bad person? Has she really done anything that terrible? Or is she a just a girl on a talent show who's found herself in a sticky situation as Public Enemy #1?

Her rendition of the song was absolutely astounding, because it was almost uncomfortably personal. Katie was practically begging with her version of the song, and what she was begging for was another chance. She was begging for approval. She was begging us to look at her the way she wants us to look at her. And how do we do those things? By voting for her, of course. This song was Katie's way of begging us for votes, so she doesn't find herself in the Bottom 2 for the fifth time since the competition began.

What I loved was that when Cher Lloyd performed her (amazzzzzzzzzzzing amazing amazing) version of Stay a few weeks ago, it was praised for being "stripped back" and "raw". Similarly, Aiden Grimshaw's performances in the past had received similar approving comments from the judges. At the end of the day, though, Katie's performance was more raw than anything we've seen on the competition since that lass punched her mate in the face (doesn't that seem like years ago now?) The arrangement was minimal, there was no staging, she was wearing a fairly standard dress. More importantly, her bloody hair had all been cut off! Literally, every distraction you could possibly have had from Katie's performance had been pulled back (no foreskin jokes, please, I'm trying to make a serious point about not hating someone just because it's cool to) and all that was left was Katie and her song. And I think she sang beautifully.

Moving on into more bitchy territory-- what the fuck was she playing at with that hair? The thing is, prior to this drastic change Katie was notorious for her roots, which could be seen from space. Let's remind ourselves, shall we?

Horrible. Thing is, Katie explained in her X Factor video diary that her hair was so destroyed from bleaching it that if she were to touch up her roots once more, her hair would snap and fall out so she just had to leave them. Tricky situation to be in, when you're already the most hated person in a talent contest where appearance means everything (unless, obviously, you are Big Fat Mary who can go onstage without even washing her hair and still be praised for being a "real woman" by Cheryl Cole), so she started wearing a wig.

I think Katie is sick to death of the whole thing, and I admire what she did this week. She obviously thought she had nothing to lose, already being hated, and went out there and did quite a shouty version of one of The Beatles' most loved tracks with what could only be described as a Dot Cotton hairstyle. Check it out, though, folks:

Chilling. Vote Katie.

2. Jason Manford has been naughty and is now unemployed. (Holy Moly)

It's been such a while since I've been in the Celebrity Roundup swing that I completely glossed over Jason Manford's naughty Twitter sexcapades, but they've come back to bite him in the arse this week as more girls have stepped forward and admitted to having received sordid messages from the comedian, with some claiming they even Skyped one another.

It's been revealed that Jason Manford is an idiot. Using Skype to harass girls over the Internet when he is a married man. Hasn't he heard of Oovoo, a free service similar to Skype in that it allows you to video chat over the Internet using a webcam and microphone, but it also allows you to have video conference calls with up to five other recipients. He could have had a few people flashing him at once! What a missed opportunity.

Sadly for Jason Manford, the shame of it all has forced him to quit his job hosting The One Show, which really isn't surprising as he is clearly a giant skeaze of the worst kind. He's trying to pass loneliness off as his excuse, but if you ask me if he was that lonely he could have picked up the phone and spoken to his pregnant wife, heard how her day was going, found solace in her voice. Then he could have watched some porn and finished himself off before dozing satisfied off to sleep. He needn't have included other people the way he did, the bell end, and now he's paying the price for it.

The most shocking thing of all-- Jason Manford is only 29!! Can you believe it? I'd have guessed early 40s, don't know about you.

3. Cheryl Cole ain't taking no shit from no one. (Digital Spy)

Tonight's edition of The X Factor was full of conflict and excitement, no thanks to the tedious performances that were showcased in it, more due to the fiery Cheryl Cole and the relentless way she stuck up for herself and her acts during the show. First off, Simon Cowell criticised the ridiculous staging Cheryl had set up for her act Cher Lloyd during her performance of Imagine, which saw Cher singing the song on a spiral staircase that led nowhere. Simon said it was ridiculous, and Cheryl started ranting and generally showing herself up like she always does when she lets her gob run without thinking first.

Simon then quite stupidly introduced his gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous (etc.) boyband One Direction saying: "No silly staircases... here's One Direction", which led Cheryl to criticise Simon's staging choices when the boys were finished singing. You didn't see this bit, but then they all came to my house and had sex with me. It was fantastic. None of them were bell ends like you'd imagine them to be, and the sex was brilliant.

Meanwhile, it was Wagner's turn to face the wrath of Cheryl Cole. Earlier in the week he was asked by an undercover reporter what he thought of Cheryl, and he said he thought she was "just a girl from a council estate who got lucky". Cheryl turned it on Wagner and told him he should focus more on his own performance and less on how "lucky" she is. She went on to say how proud she was of her working class roots, which left quite an awkward cloud hanging over the judging panel. Wagner tried to stick up for himself, but realistically once Cheryl Cole has had a go at you, there's no point trying to resort to self-defence. Just ask that toilet attendant she clouted.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup


  1. Loving these regular posts - keeping me topped up with snorty laughter at famous people's expense. Win!

    (side note: do not want to imagine One Direction having any kind of Sexy Times)


  2. Aw cheers pet.

    Snorty laughter = major hotness.