Wednesday, 17 November 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

This blog has become an absolute shambles. Like an untamed pubic bush, I have allowed it to grow wild and untamed. This ends today. Now I love having a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup on a Friday as much as anyone, but frankly that system is not working anymore. For those of you who still read the blog, I'm now going to do a Celebrity Roundup whenever I can be arsed and that will be the end of it. This is me taking control of my blog once again. And so, for the first time in about a hundred years, let's have a look at what's going on in the crazy world of celebrity...

1. Nadine Coyle could have actually died. (Perez Hilton)

It's all gone a bit tits up for Nadine Coyle hasn't it? Her uninteresting single sold about 100 copies, her album has disappeared out of the Top 40 and, to make matters worse, everyone thinks she's a massive bell end. I'm not sure how much she's paying the people who do her PR but she wants to look elsewhere, if you ask me. Either that or she wants to just send Sarah Harding a bloody text message saying "Hey babe, how's it going?" just so she can tell reporters she's still in touch with Girls Aloud. The woman does herself no favours when they're all swanning around red carpets together and she's elsewhere trying to flog the proverbial dead horse that is her disastrous solo career.

However, it's not just her career that's deadly, as Nadine revealed this week that she and her family could have died through carbon monoxide inhalation. The Coyles went four months inhaling the deadly gas, not realising it could have potentially killed them all. Thankfully, Nadine Coyle lives in a bloody great mansion, which meant that the place was ventilated enough that they did not die, and she goes on to sing another day.

I tell you what, I've done a lot of bad things in my time but I think Cheryl Cole takes the biscuit-- gassing the chart competition is pretty low. Thankfully Nadine got her own back by hiring one of her friends who work at Disney in LA to do Cheryl's hair on this Sunday's edition of The X Factor:

2. Prince William liked it and indeed put a ring on it. (MTV)

Prince William and Kate Middleton are flaming well engaged, alright? After a good few years of shagging out of wedlock- which is a sin no matter whether or not you intend to get married eventually, it's a fucking sin so she'd better not be wearing white that fucking whore I HOPE SHE BURNS FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE SITTING ON THAT THRONE AS IF BUTTER WOULDN'T MELT IN HER MOUTH BUT WE KNOW WHAT SHE'S BEEN UP TO- the two finally revealed their engagement yesterday and gave their first ever joint interview together.

Let me tell you, that interview was a sna-hooze fest. I tell you what, though. Kate Middleton is very pretty. She has the same dimples as Cheryl Cole. I hope that they aren't dead old when they eventually take to the throne, because I like the idea of being OK about having a threesome with the monarchs. Imagine a threesome with Prince Philip and The Queen? It'd be terrible. I imagine he'd do an accidental excited fart and the Queen would be too embarrassed to finish.

It's also been revealed that William proposed with Princess Diana's iconic engagement ring. Just once I'd like someone to surprise me with some of Princess Diana's old jewellery. I do love Princess Diana, you know. It seemed to me she lived her life a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked to have known her but...I was just a kid. Her candle burned out long before her legend ever did. And now that Kate Middleton is wearing her ring.

I must admit, I kind of always prayed that Prince William would be the one to rescue Britney Spears from her horrible life, but it looks like he- like Justin Timberlake- rightly chose to abandon those dreams when she had kids.

3. Gillian McKeith is making a right tit of herself on the telly. (Daily Mail)

I don't watch I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here because it knocks me sick. If you're so desperate for fame that you would actually eat an animal's penis on the telly then, really, you need to have a good look at yourself. Poo-poker (which is, ironically, what I have been called many a time) Gillian McKeith has made a right fool of herself on the programme, apparently, by being scared of bloody everything. Heights, insects, confined name it and Gillian McKeith is phobic of it. Now I'm not saying it's funny to laugh at people who have phobias, but why put yourself in a position where you're going to be surrounded by them...on the telly?

The humiliation peaked the other day when, after being held in an underground pod with rats, she started screeching and had to be administered oxygen. This would be the point on Big Brother where the housemate was declared unstable and removed from the house, but made to look like they volunteered to leave. Supposedly, McKeith thought that the jungle thing was actually a set-up, and by night the celebrities stayed in luxury hotels (to be honest, I assumed this myself but the desperation in her eyes can't be faked, can it?)

She also annoyed the fellow members of her camp yesterday when, during a bushtucker trial, she ate only one of the five disgusting meals supplied by producers. "There's no way I'm eating penis", said Gillian as she was presented with crocodile penis. She doesn't know how lucky she's got it, I can't remember the last time someone offered me penis on a plate.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


  1. Making me giggle far too loudly at work, love it.


  2. Yay! I HAVE missed your acerbic wit :) I hate McKeith though, what a FOOL.

    Maria xxx