Friday, 24 September 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Gloomily, I am back at University in a matter of days now. Not too bad, my first day back I'm only in for two and a half hours, and I don't actually start till 5pm, so I can't complain too much about being overworked. Annoyingly, though, the only day I don't have an early start is a Friday, which means that my new night for going out is going to have to become a Thursday, which is notoriously shite in Newcastle unless you're after going to Stonelove which I am certainly not. I fear my social life is going to suffer this year. What a load of balls. Never mind that though, famous people (namely Katy sodding Perry as it happens) have been up to all kinds of shite this week, and you can read all about it in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Brand and Lambert vs. The Paps. (Just Jared/Holy Moly)

Paparazzi beware.

By this stage in the game we've seen basically every inch of Katy Perry except her vajayjay. I can understand why she'd want to keep it under wraps, vaginas are absolutely disgusting. Vile, they are. However, even über slags like Katy Perry should be given privacy and dignity, regardless of the provocative nature of their clothes. One paparazzi photographer disagreed with this idea this week, however, when he decided to try and stick his lens up Katy's dress.

Now this by itself is a disrespectful act, but at the time Katy was at the airport with her comedian boyfriend Russell Brand, who failed to see the funny side of the whole thing and rather than saying "oh, mate, not cool", instead chose to beat the guy up. This was quite silly, though, as many people around at the time had cameras what with them all being photographers and all, so silly Russell ended up getting arrested for battery. Katy Perry, of course, was simply loving the attention and took to her Twitter to defend her detained husband:

I wish some man loved me enough to beat up a photographer for me. As if photographers hadn't taken enough of a beating this week, celebrity homosexual Adam Lambert was trying to innocently sunbathe in a stupid fucking hat when he lashed out at photographers, with what can only be described as a hilarious struggle between homo and paparazzi ensuing. Let's get a look, shall we?:
What a stupid fucking hat. And last time Adam Lambert bent a man over in that position it wasn't just the zoom lens that was extending. DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE ADAM LAMBERT IS A HOMOSEXUAL. WHEN HE HAS SEX WITH OTHER MEN THEY ARE OFTEN BENT OVER IN FRONT OF HIM MUCH LIKE THAT PHOTOGRAPHER. DO YOU GET IT? Good. Fabulous. What's next?

2. Kelly Osbourne fucking hates Dannii Minogue, unlike the rest of the world who are completely indifferent about her (even Kylie is "on the fence") (Not really, it's her sister she's probably quite fond of her). (Digital Spy)

SHAROOOOOOOOOOON (actually this image depicts her daughter, Kelly).

Before I begin this tale what I would first of all like to say is: What the fuck is a publisher doing allowing Dannii Minogue to write her life story? I mean I don't dislike Dannii Minogue at all, but let's be honest she is completely unremarkable, isn't she? The thing is, though, she isn't even shit and desperate like Lisa Scott-Lee. If Lisa Scott-Lee had a book out fair enough it wouldn't quite be War and Peace, but at least it would be a trashy tale of desperation and C-list parties. In fact, I'd quite like to read it if I'm honest. But Dannii Minogue? Writing a book? Really?

On that note, the News Of The World published extracts of Dannii's book this week, including a particular fight with Sharon Osbourne which saw Sharon shouting and swearing at her, seemingly for no reason. We all know that since Sharon left we can all pretty much decipher that what happened was:

1. Sharon was pissed off that Dannii was there when she has made no remarkable contribution to pop music (although Don't Wanna Lose This Groove is quite this good but would be nothing without the Madonna sample).
2. Sharon therefore decided to go around the place slagging Dannii off, presuming Simon would see the funny side.
3. He didn't.
4. Enter: Cheryl Cole.

So anyway, in these extracts Sharon sounds like something of a monster who raves and rants about the place. She was on the Asda adverts, for fucks sake, how evil can she be? So anyway, let's see what Sharon's daughter Kelly Osbourne, the real star of this story, had to say on her Twitter page:

Do you know what? Kelly Osbourne is right. Everyone was on Sharon's side of the argument, until Sharon started behaving in an unladylike manner on TV while Dannii remained silent about the whole thing (unbeknownst to the rest of the world she was fucking furious, not that you'd be able to tell by looking at her face which was completely motionless thanks to gratuitous abuse of botox). What else, Kel?

I'd just like to stress that this tweet is completely untouched, Kelly Osbourne has actually suggested that Dannii Minogue, off the M&S advert is actually the devil. Beelzebub. Satan. Lucifer. That is what she is saying. As a Catholic, this is what Wikipedia says I believe about the devil:

thedevil.png


Right. Kelly Osbourne believes that Dannii Minogue is responsible for all suffering in the world? Pain. Suffering. AIDS. Social injustice. War. Peril. Famine. Corruption. All thanks to the woman what sang Put The Needle On It. On an unrelated note, who would like to hear my top 3 favourite songs about the devil?

SILLY OLD DANIEL'S TOP 3 FAVOURITE SONGS WHAT KELLY OSBOURNE RECKONS ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT DANNII MINOGUE WHICH IS POSSIBLY AN EXAGGERATION IN RETROSPECT.

I'd just like to stress one more time, that someone in the world believes that Dannii Minogue is the devil. Amazing.

3. If there is one party I wish I'd been invited to, it is here. (Perez Hilton)

I know what you're thinking, but this is not myself and Carla in the old days.

I'm still getting over the amazingness that is Rihanna and Katy Perry's friendship. Let's once again look at this photo from the VMAs and revel in it:

4lasses.jpg


That's just reminded me actually, I was proper chuffed this week because Ke$ha tweeted me, except it turned out it wasn't actually her. It was an impostor. How fucking gutting is that? More importantly though, how hilarious that I got excited for nothing. See, I'm so heartless I can even laugh at my own ridiculous gaffs.

So anyway, Rihanna is Katy Perry's maid-of-honour in her upcoming nuptials, so it was her job to throw her an amazing bachelorette party, or hen do as they're known here in the United Kingdom. Somehow I find it hard to envisage Rihanna planning a party which would culminate in Katy Perry passed out outside the nearest Yates's with an L-plate on her back and an inflatable cock under her arm. However, that's not to say the party wasn't an absolute trash-fest. The party took place in Las Vegas for starters with 25 of Katy's friends enjoying entertainment from Cirque du Soleil, before heading off to a "secret location" where Katy tweeted the following the next day:

Class-ay. LOOK AT THE CAKE RIHANNA HAD MADE:

There are no words.

4. The X Factor is getting a bit murky, innit? (The Sun)

Malaria had really gotten the better of Cheryl...

Chloe Victoria completely split the public's opinion when she appeared on The X Factor on Saturday, and I dunno about you but I want to watch her audition again before we go any further into her history, background and adventures:



Let's lift this completely out of context, folks. What I see in this video is a young lass with a bit too much makeup on who wants to have a laugh, but also believes she has what it takes to be a part of the country's biggest talent competition and maybe give her daughter a better laugh. I'm not saying this was a Susan Boyle moment, or even a Leona Lewis moment, but I'm so glad that Simon Cowell decided to give her a chance, because I do see real potential in her. And you can say what you like about her being a slut or a tramp, but she has her own look and her own style, and that's a lot braver than someone like Marlon Mackenzie who looks basically like JLS threw up on him.

Unfortunately, the truth is slowly starting to unravel and it seems that Chloe has something of a troublesome past. For starters, she's been arrested over 200 times (who has time to be arrested that many times?) and it's been alleged this week that she has worked as an escort. While she has denied claims that she's a prostitute, The Sun newspaper seem quite determined to shame her, calling her a "bare-faced liar" and posting a rather embarrassing clip of her cavorting on a bed with not much on.

Meanwhile, in further X Factor news I was out in Newcastle on Wednesday night when I got a text from my friend Carla, whose blog you may well have discovered my own through. The text contained information about one of the stars of Ablisa. Let's remind ourselves of their 10/10 audition once again:



To be honest, I cannot rephrase the revelation that Carla made to me any more hilariously than she did, and so for the first time, readers, I welcome you to take a peek at my iPhone:


Again I'd like to stress this text is 100% accurate; first she punched her mate in the face (much to the envy of the rest of the UK who would also love to punch them both in the face) declaring "she's made me look like a twat", then she got her tits out for The Daily Sport. Now either we can pretend that knowledge itself is enough in this scenario, or we can accept that we have a morbid curiosity and want to see the photos. Carla knew better than to even ask me, and so as I sipped my drink in a gay bar far away, I feasted my eyes upon that strange girl's even stranger breasts. So go on. Click here to see that lass from Ablisa's actual bare breasts. I dare you.

ERGH DID YOU CLICK IT? ISN'T IT WORSE THAN YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED???

I love you, X Factor.

5. I'm not quite done talking about Katy Perry, or Twitter for that matter. (Twitter)

Her face is up there, Elmo.

My friend Katie thinks that Katy Perry is a bad influence on young girls. I counter-argued that by saying that Katy Perry probably has no desire to appeal to young girls, and if the young girls' parents let them listen to songs like Peacock and Ur So Gay then that is their own fault. However, there is no denying that when you film a cameo for Sesame Street like Katy Perry did this week, there is obviously a child-loving agenda to your career plan. Mind you, there is no denying that the clip itself is absolutely lovely, and you can view it for yourself here:



How cute do they both want to be, for fucks sake. Thing is, though, some of the parents weren't happy with Katy's choice of outfit. Apparently Katy's breasts are too prominent in the clip, and it's not suitable for children, so the scene has been axed from the upcoming series.

Am I the only one who believes this is unbelievably sexist?? We all know that usually I'm the first to call Katy Perry an attention-seeking skank, but is there anything really that bad about what she's wearing in the clip? True, she isn't exactly in full burkha chatting to Elmo about golf, but the fact of the matter is that Katy Perry has almost comically over-sized breasts that are going to be prominent no matter what she wears, so Katy embraces this by not wearing much at all. If you ask me, the message Sesame Workshop have sent out is that breasts are something to be ashamed of, and they definitely are not. Poor old Katy was left to break the news on (where else?) her Twitter this week and she seemed (ironically) quite deflated:

Her fiancé, however, managed to see the funny side:


And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Cheers for reading!
Yee-haw!
x

3 comments:

  1. Fabulous roundup as always! As the only person in the entire United States who religiously downloads and watches The X Factor every week, I love getting all the latest Gossip. None of my real life friends even know who Jedward is, I never have anyone to discuss it with.

    In other news, not A Katy Perry fan, so fuck her, as long as it isn't with my cock.

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  2. This has got to be my favourite round up ever! I cannot believe that cake, it is utterly fabulous. Who knew celebrities had a sense of humour?!
    Also, I thank you for bringing me these little bits of X Factor, I fear I should have watched it now. But OMG, those tits made me vom. Not nice.
    x

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  3. Fabulous roundup as ever Dannyfanny. I KNEW the first thing you'd do was go home and look up the picture of those rather funny breasts, so I thought I'd spare you this and at least have something to discuss in Twist. ;DD xxxx

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