Sunday, 19 September 2010

The (Slightly Belated) Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's been a week of ups and downs in my world. I had what was probably one of the best nights out of my life on Monday night, but it was also my dear friend Emma's last night out before she headed down to Leeds to start Uni, and I've just been letting things get me down more than they really ought to have so I apologise if over the past week I have depressed you. I have had a lot of fun though, mainly due to the awesome people I surround myself with. I don't say nice things enough but I really do love my friends. Cheers, lads. So anyway, you haven't come to hear about me (although my own personal roundup would probably be quite eventful as it happens, I've cried about six times this week and have kissed two boys and two girls in what can only be described as my inner bisexual coming out), you're here cos it's Friday (well, it was when I wrote this info) and that means that it's time for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup (I'm not writing about anything that's happened since Friday as if you ask me that would be perverse)...

1. Lady GaGa is still doing mental things. (Digital Spy)

Get real.

"Little monsters" with the "Haus of GaGa" as their religious views on Facebook piss me off enormously, because it's as if they have nothing else but Lady GaGa going on in their lives (unfortunately for them, this is often the case). However, the quest for a GaGa-inspired religion took a big step towards realisation this week as it was revealed that Lady GaGa is undergoing an ordination. That's right, folks, Lady GaGa is going to be a vicar.

Actually, though, it isn't a publicity stunt (hmmm) and instead she's doing it so she can perform gay marriages for them closest to her. What a lovely thing to do, because we all know how much Lady GaGa loves them homosexuals. Only fair, really, we are keeping her in a job. According to "a source" (someone the journalist has invented, most probably) GaGa is taking it very seriously and has completed "almost all the coursework". Of course, if my A Levels taught me anything it's that when you say "my coursework is almost done", what you mean is "I haven't yet decided what I'm writing my coursework about". This reminds me of the time my first boyfriend broke up with me the night before my Spanish coursework was due in, and I had to write the whole thing through my snivelling and sobbing, after having thrown my mobile at my bedroom wall and smashing it. They say the gays can't throw but I proved them wrong that night. How embarrassing.

Anyway, if that wasn't enough GaGa craziness for you, then the VMAs took place this week and only one interesting thing happened, ie. Lady GaGa wore a dress made of meat. This happened almost a week ago so you've probably already seen, but what's the harm in looking at it again, eh?:

Them bell ends down at PETA are proper pissed off with her, claiming that this outfit made out of raw meat would actually be infested with maggots, but I'm more concerned about whoever GaGa was sat next to. Imagine you'd headed out to the VMAs wearing your finest, your hair all done and your makeup immaculate. And then someone comes and sits next to you in an edible dress smelling like Dicksons in Hebburn newtown. Suffice to say, GaGa was not invited to party with the cool kids:


2. All that's missing is the sea... (Holy Moly)


George Michael has been proper naughty. I'm sure you remember a few weeks ago George Michael drove his car into a Snappy Snaps photo shop after one too many tokes on the old spliffy spliff. Well it seemed that George has pushed his luck for the last time, and now he's in jail for the next 8 weeks, which must have been quite a shock for the singer who's been arrested for drug-driving countless town without a prison sentence. However, because he's taken the piss so many times and could have killed someone, it's off to the clink with him.

I'm not being funny, though, but 8 weeks is fucking nothing. Drug-driving is a serious crime, he could have really hurt or even killed someone, and he's done it more times than I've had hot dinners (however, we all know how I feel about hot dinners so this is probably not even an exaggeration) so if you ask me 8 weeks isn't long e-bloody-nough. Big Brother lasted 11 bloody weeks this year, surely George Michael should have a longer sentence than Mario Mugane. Although they do have a lot in common, they're both prone to randomly exposing themselves, they're both desperate for any attention they can get and they both make me ashamed to be a homosexual.

One thing's for certain, though. George Michael will be limping out of that prison at the end of his sentence.

3. One good thing came out of Ultimate Big Brother (don't bloody tell Nadia though) (OK!)

Real deal.

Ultimate Big Brother was a bit of a non-starter, wasn't it? It seemed to do more harm than good (except, of course, for Brian Dowling) as Nadia Almada thundered towards a nervous breakdown, we were all reminded of the downside to Nikki Grahame's horrendous character, and Chantelle Houghton found herself locked in a house with her really quite fit ex-husband Preston who she'd spent just under a year married to before flying off the rails, having shite injected into her face and becoming what can only be described as Chloe Victoria. Well the nation watched as Chantelle awkwardly realised she still had feelings for the frankly stunning Preston, while he remained oblivious and spent his time smoking in the garden and not really speaking to anyone.

They both opened up to OK! magazine about how they both felt they got no closure following the end of their split, and they both tried to make the other one feel like they didn't care and were getting on with their lives. And they both succeeded. So Chantelle turned into an über-tramp, and Preston turned into a bearded fatty. Apparently, they're now going to talk in private about where they go from this point onwards, although I hope for both of their sakes that they patch things up. They are obviously right together, they make each other happy. I think if they just change their status to "in a relationship" for a while and don't rush things, they could really make a go of it. And this is coming from a cynic.

More importantly, if they go on dates and stuff then Preston might become famous and respected again, which would mean more lushness from this man:

Gorgeous. He needs to take care of Chantelle. She is beautiful and lovely and so is he. They need to make it work or I will lose all faith in love and end up even more like Miss Havisham, sitting around in my wedding dress smelling like gin and semen.

4. Don't dare tell Katy Perry you don't fancy her. (Daily Mail)

Cracking tits.

Katy Perry has a new album which is called Teenage Dream. Have you heard the title track? It's very good. It goes like this "deeee deee deeee deeeee living a teeeeeeee-naaaaage dreeeeeeam". It's beautiful. So anyway, right, she has to promote this album by performing in a few different places. And when she was performing in her hometown she saw a man named Shane Lopes. Now, you don't know Shane Lopes and neither do I. But Katy Perry does.

"You were the most popular kid in my class!" shouted Katy Perry, "But you never wanted to date me". Now I don't know about you, but I'm back on Katy Perry's team, and the idea that someone didn't want to go out with her is utterly baffling to me. One day I'd like to humiliate all of the boys who wouldn't go out with me (of course, it would take up an entire concert for me just to list them), and that's just what Katy Perry did, performing her get-a-sense-of-humour-if-you-think-it's-homophobic track Ur So Gay and dedicating it to Shane Lopes.


5. There is no fucking stopping Cheryl Cole. (Now)

Cheryl leading the world's fiercest conga.

I don't know if you remember, but Cheryl Cole has had a tough year on her hands. Some prick cheated on her about 500 times, she's undergoing a divorce, she caught a life-threatening illness, while her back was turned Nicole Scherzinger swept in and won everyone over and as if that wasn't enough, her so-called "boyfriend" is a fruit. But is Cheryl Cole going to mope around and sulk? No she fucking isn't.

"I'm not depressed. Not me", she says. "I've got to keep going. I have to perform. I have to deliver".

Fuck you, world. You're not going to get her down. She can promise this. And speaking of Cheryl promising shite, she has a new song which I'm sure you know by this point is called Promise This. I'm on the fence about it at the moment, it's definitely alright at the very least but the video is just...there's nothing memorable about it. Cheryl hasn't really worn anything that's stuck in your mind since Fight For This Love really, has she? Anyway, let's have a look, shall we? You can judge it for yourself:

And that's that.

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