Friday, 3 September 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello, folks-- it's been a while. The truth is for the week I was in Ibiza I fell behind in my upkeep of celebrity gossip, and a roundup consisting of "I got sunburn and played a few games of bingo with a series of people at least 40 years older than myself. However, I'm home now and back in the swing. And so-- it's Friday, let's have a look back over the past seven days of celebrity shite as seen through the bitchiest eyes in all of the North East in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. I still really want to have sex with Jedward. (YouTube)

Just yes.

Jedward appeared on Alan Carr's chat show on Sunday and, living up to everyone's expectations, behaved like utter bell-ends throwing food around the place, talking over each other and almost knocking over his settee. However, my personal favourite moment came in what can only be described as an act of pure homoeroticism, as John wiped crumbs off of Edward's face.

Look at that, man. They're grooming each other. That's hot. I think they need to forget their "singing" careers and just focus on modelling. And, of course, by modelling I mean having sex with me. Lovely.

2. Snoop Dogg has his eye on a new ho. (Digital Spy)

Hands off my woman, muthafucka!

It's a well-known fact within the business of show that Snoop Dogg is a big fan of British soap Coronation Street. I don't mind that at all, how lovely for him. This week, however, Snoop Dogg crossed the line with regards to his views on the soap, and his comments took a turn to the sinister.

As Snoop told Daily Star journalists: "Deirdre cracks me up, man". The man has taste. But that's not all. I wish it were. "I would like to come in as the new guy on the street to turn Deirdre's head". Oh my fucking God. We all know I love Deirdre, and she is a massive slag, but imagine her in bed with Snoop Dogg? I suppose stranger and equally as disgusting things have happened on Coronation Street but personally I'd say Anne Kirkbride was a far cry from Katy Perry...

3. Sing-a-long-a-malari-a with Cheryl Cole. (Digital Spy)

"Eeeeh ah think am cummen doon wi' somthin"

Because 3 Words was so critically acclaimed, it seems that Cheryl Cole has decided to go right ahead and record a follow-up album which seemingly includes the upcoming lead single "Promise This".

The Cheryl news doesn't stop there, though, folks. Because since the song was recorded, a source said (piece of journalism advice, here, for them who read the papers- when a piece of info comes from "a source" rather than a human, 90% of the time you are about to read a pile of absolute bollocks) that the song was recorded before Cheryl took ill with malaria, but that the lyrics could be interpreted in a malaria-laiden way which will help Cheryl perform the track with more conviction when it comes to future live performances.

Now I'm no expect in what is and isn't tasteful (I do, after all, have a jeweled iPhone case) but it seems to me that "a source" exploiting Cheryl Cole's malaria in order to generate public interest in her upcoming single is a bit morbid. I mean, what if she had died? Would we be listening to the song post-humously and thinking "oh my goodness, it's like she knew" like bullshitters of the world did when The Dark Knight came out after the tragic passing of Heath Ledger?

And more importantly, still, why isn't Cheryl Cole being blamed for halting the Girls Aloud re-union with her selfish solo career like Nadine Coyle has been? I mean poor Nadine (who I'm not such a fan of if I'm honest) has been practically lynched by Girls Aloud for daring to have a life outside of interviews with Fabulous! magazine and nights out with Sarah Harding, yet Cheryl is onto album #2 without anyone batting an eyelid. Hypocrisy, I tell you.

Anyway, part of Promise This has leaked and it sounds like it's going to be bloody good. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what really counts? ("No" - the world). YouTube have since taken down the clip so if you never got to hear it... it sucks to be you.

4. This story about Lady GaGa is probably not true. (The Sun)

Sorry, Gatens.

Lady GaGa is like a showbiz journalist's wet dream because, on a particularly slow news day, you could basically invent any story you liked about her and people would take interest in it and believe it because she is such a massive bell end loose cannon. I predict this is what happened when this particular story about Lady GaGa surfaced, and that's definitely what's happening right now as I re-tell it.

You see, apparently Lady GaGa has become such a diva that she refuses to so much as answer a telephone anymore, instead insisting that someone in her team answer her calls and hold the phone to her ear (not quite what one unfortunate "little monster" was expecting when they joined GaGa's "Haus" I'm sure). GaGa justifies this unnecessary behaviour by saying she is petrified of mobile phones. That's right. It's the radiation you see. Reports (probably in the Daily Mail) have said that the shite emitted by a phone can cause brain tumours, and GaGa is particularly scared of these killer phone rays.

Of course, she has more right to be scared than most phone users, as she goes around dressed like this with a phone on top of her bloody head:

What. A. Bell. End.

5. Repeat after me please, Miss Minogue. "I am not Madonna". "I am not Madonna". "I! Am! Not! Madonna!" (Metro)

Comparing Kylie Minogue and Madonna is lazy journalism and it is lazy gaydom. But I'll tell you what it is, Kylie doesn't do herself any favours, does she? Just as I was getting ready to embrace the fact that Kylie is a pop music gem and her music is as important to gay culture as bitching and poppers, she goes and releases my favourite song off her "quite good" album Aphrodite. I was sooo excited for the video. And then she goes and does this:



That's right, folks. She's vogueing. I'm not sure what's going on this year with people having throwbacks to Madonna in their videos from Christina Aguilera's crawling along the floor like a cat in Not Myself Tonight to Lady GaGa's Vogue-inspired moves in Alejandro but I don't give it long before Rihanna is painting henna on her hands and talking about her new-found spiritualism while Cheryl Cole swishes herself about in a spanish señorita dress. Actually I'd quite like both of those things.

Kylie-- must try harder.

And that's it. Until next week, bitches!
Yee-haw!

2 comments:

  1. I am confused as to how you can love Madonna and slag off the true Queen of Pop like this. All I can say is; how fucking dare you. Kylie will never go away. I was really taking an interest in this blog. You looked epic until I saw this post.

    Toodles, darling.

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  2. Jedward should be shot, they are the apotheosis of the compound word Bell-End.

    I came here via a Google Images search for the phrase "idiots talking over each other" and that they be.

    They actually appear to be in love with each other and quite quite slow. I think they are genuinely retarded.

    The best I can wish for them is a swift death.

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