Friday, 10 September 2010

The (Quite Serious, Actually) Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Hello everybody. It's September now. Strange, isn't it? Actually it could be stranger, seeing as how we are now into the second week of September, but that is neither here nor there. I had a cocktail with Kate about 4 hours ago, and now I think I have a hangover. This is worrying. I went to Pacific and had what is called a Green Goblin. Should you wish to make a Green Goblin yourself, you can mix a shot of Amaretto with a shot of Tropical Sourz and stick some lemonade in it as well. However, I recommend you don't, 'cos it was vile.

The stories in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup unfortunately deal with issues such as racism, adultery and suicide. There is nothing funny about any of these things, I must say. Therefore, to lighten the mood I have decided to replace my traditional "photos of celebrities with a 3/10 joke underneath" with "photos of Deirdre Barlow" to lighten the mood a bit. I'm also going to start each story with a limerick. My blog name is Silly Old Daniel, so we need to keep things silly otherwise we'll all end up killing ourselves, won't we? And that would be shit.

Basically, if this is your very first Celebrity Roundup and you're not familiar with the drill, then what we're gonna do is talk about stories you've probably already heard of from the past seven days of celebrity gossip, and we're gonna take the piss out of everything. It's a reet laugh. Usually.

1. Oh Christ, what's Morrissey said this time? (NME)

Morrissey is an indie band preacher
Who loves furry animal creatures
But get out of his face
Or he'll slag off your race
And offend Chinese lawyers and teachers.
(Apols. This was a poor start to the limericks. I sense this will not be a recurring feature)

The other day I logged onto Twitter and saw that #chinesemorrissey was a trending topic. "How lovely," I thought, "It's always nice when Morrissey gets a bit of attention, isn't it?" I bloody love, Morrissey, you see. The unfortunate thing was that when I did a spot of research, it turned out that he'd rather foolishly decided to label the Chinese race as a "sub-species", which is a pretty appalling thing for anyone to say, but when you're Morrissey and everyone already thinks you're a racist bell-end you're hardly doing yourself any favours, are you?

We all know that Morrissey loves animals. Kittens. Bunnies. Fucking loves them. And when they're mistreated he proper gets the hump about it all. I think that's lovely, myself. Not enough people care about animals. Personally, I couldn't give a shite and once giggled gaily when my old Spanish teacher (literally one of the best people I have ever met in all my days) brought in her new scarf which was made entirely of rabbit, but it's nice when other people care. Unfortunately, Morrissey possibly cares a bit too much.

When talking about the way animals are treated in China he said to Guardian reporters (who probably didn't do a combined course at Sunderland University hoping someone somewhere would read their filthy celebrity-themed blog and instead went about getting their NCTJs like proper journalists): "Did you see that thing on the news about their [them people what live in China what I think are, like, called Chinese people] treatment of can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies".

For fuck's sake, man! You cannot go around saying things like that, can you? It's just not right. Fair enough, if there are people in China who boil their pets when they're still alive and other such shite, then those people are awful, but you cannot go blaming an entire race for the mistakes of a few people. Annoyingly, in the same interview no mention was given to the woman who put her cat in the bin, which is what I really want to hear his views on.

Morrissey, you bell end. Stop being racist. Thing is, though, he might be radical and ignorant and over the top but he did give us this: it's swings and roundabouts really, innit? (No, I suppose not. Racism is really shite. But you know as well as I do he probably didn't mean it. The daft old fool).

2. It turns out Wayne Rooney's been giving people money and then putting his penis inside of them. (News Of The World)

There once was a bell-end called Wayne
Whose wife was exceptionally plain
When her back was turned
His face scrunched and gurned
As he ejaculated inside women who were on the game
(I think in about 50 years people will be studying these limericks as part of their English Literature A Level).

I dunno about you but I never liked Coleen Rooney. There was always something smug about her "real women" campaign. As if skinny women weren't real women. Let me tell you, my friends Katie and Anna may be very slightly but I can fully assure you that they are all woman. Thing is, though, she's never directly harmed me so I wouldn't wish ill of her but unfortunately that wasn't enough to save her from public humiliation this week.

You see, while there was an enormous baby gestating inside of her, she probably didn't feel like shagging her husband Wayne Rooney very much. I don't blame her, I never feel like shagging him and I don't even have a giant baby in my womb or my cervix or wherever it is these females stash their young before they're ready to squeeze them out. Thing is, though, it seems like when you're a footballer if your wife says "no not tonight" what you hear is "tell you what, go and fuck five or six other people while I'm at home cleaning your house and telling all my friends how happy we are".

Wayne Rooney was no exception to all this as it was revealed this week that he'd been shagging prostitutes left, right and centre-- at over £1000 a pop. To put this in perspective, it would take me 6 months of saving up my wages from the Dogs to be able to afford a night with one of Rooney's girls (of course, we all know he wouldn't be with her the whole night, you can tell just by looking at him it only takes him four or five thrusts before he's completely spent and exhaustedly spurts all over the poor lass's stomach/tits/hair/wherever it is straight men prefer to spunk up, I don't know a lot about it).

As time went by he texted one of the prostitutes and invited her over to shag at their family home. How low. I mean come on now, the last thing you want when you're bringing a child into the world is having a settee in the front room your guests can catch crabs from. On an unrelated note, the prostitute in question's name is Jenny. Can you imagine a name more wholesome than Jenny, and yet she is the prostitute possibly responsible for breaking up one of Britain's favourite couples. There aren't many names more wholesome than Jenny, like, are there?

Names more wholesome than Jenny:
1. Susan
2. Lucille
3. Deborah (but not Debra, which is a whole other kettle of fish)

That's that.

3. Poor old Nadia, eh? (Digital Spy)

There once was a Portugese tranny,
Who in 2004 seemed quite canny
But this time around
She was not quite as sound
And now everyone thinks she's a fanny.
(I'm not going to lie to you, I am rather fond of this particular limerick.)

Poor old Nadia Almada was booted out of the Ultimate Big Brother house this week and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. That is if the aforementioned deer was being booed, jeered at and essentially chewed up and spat out by the Great British Public who had turned out in full force to collectively rip Nadia to shreds. Where did it all go wrong, eh?

The weird thing is that before entering the house, Nadia was favourite to win Ultimate Big Brother. Most people were filled with fond memories of her time in the 2004 house; showering in her heels, laughing infectiously and generally behaving like a royal diva. I even named her as my favourite ever housemate before the start of the eleventh series. Thing is, though, what people sometimes forget is that "behaving like a diva" is exactly the same as "behaving like a bitch". And this is where it all started to go downhill for Nadia.

We liked Nadia first time around because we all knew she used to be a man, but none of her housemates did. She was on a quest to be accepted, and one could argue that a landslide win on Big Brother shows that a nation has welcomed you into their hearts. We were able to overlook her quick temper and argumentative nature in 2004 because she also had so much to offer us with her "diva" behaviour. Another point, though, is that we don't mind regular people behaving like "divas" because it shows balls. But people with minimal amounts of fame behaving like "divas" is no good because it makes them "wannabes" with a false sense of entitlement. We really do build them up just to break them down.

Fast-forward to last week, Nadia's eviction. She'd behaved like a bitch, she'd caused fights and she'd generally provoked a lot of people to pick up the phone and vote her out. Out she came, and she was not expecting it. There was booing and there was shouting, all at a woman who's victory at winning the fifth series is my favourite Big Brother moment. At one point in her hideously uncomfortable eviction interview Davina McCall said to her "I think you need to go and have a good cry". And she did. Vanessa Feltz said she saw her "sobbing", and ended up not appearing on that night's Big Brother's Big Mouth.

Since then a special episode of Come Dine With Me has aired where Nadia started arguments with Brian Belo and snatched Sophie Reade's dinner plate from under her. She's since told reporters that appearing on Big Brother has ruined her life, arguments with rapper Coolio were doctored so that many of his "transphobic" remarks were not aired to make it appear Nadia was hot-headed and starting arguments for no reason, and she has told friends she wanted to "end it all".

Tragically, following this it's been revealed that Nadia was rushed to hospital on Wednesday following a suspected suicide attempt. OK, Nadia was a bit silly in the Ultimate house, maybe she was a bit too boisterous and should have thought before she spoke a bit more. But for a TV show to drive a woman to suicide is all a bit much, surely. This is a woman who was once on top of the world, elated to be voted the nation's favourite. Poor Nadia, eh?

4. Lady GaGa continues to do mental things. (Guardian)

Lady GaGa was faced with a block
She wanted to dress up and shock
So in her mental head
She spoke to artists who were dead
But don't accuse her of having a cock
(Lady GaGa has a vagina.)

When she started out, we didn't think Lady GaGa was mental. We thought she was a bit unusual, a trifle eccentric, but we're British, right? We like all that, right? We didn't think that at some point down the line she'd actually become howl at the moon, eat the carpet, smear the walls with shite mental. For them what had forgotten that GaGa is a walking nutjob, it was revealed this week that when GaGa is faced with the dilemma of what to wear, she called on her old friend-- the spirit of Andy Warhol. Of course.

Sources from GaGa's camp are insisting that the popstar- who has claimed the late Andy Warhol was one of her main influences since the start of her career, and thanks him in the credits of her first album The Fame- constantly chats with the spirit of the artist in her mind for hours at a time. Apparently she calls on him for guidance and asks him to inspire her with her fashion choices.

I wonder if it was his decision to dress her in the meat bikini she was seen sporting on the front of Vogue Japan this week:

I'll tell you something, folks. The Key Of Awesome made their Bad Romance parody video before both the Telephone video and this photoshoot here took place. And in this video the actors are seen sporting a "bathing suit made out of raw meat" and police tape. Could it be GaGa is paying tribute to them what spoof her on YouTube? Probably not.

5. JLS want you to put something on the end of it. (The Sun)

JLS all like to have sex
Since they appeared on The Factor, X
But they don't want disease
Those pesky STDs
So they've teamed up with them down at Durex
(You'll be pleased to hear this is the last story and therefore the last time a poem will appear on the blog).

I'm not shy about my love for JLS who make horrible songs about nightclubs being alive based on music from The Sound of Music, but who are allowed to get away with it because I'd like to have sex with them. And this week they've done their bit to bring down the STD numbers down by releasing their own range of condoms with contraceptive giants Durex.

Yes, you heard correctly. Soon you will be able to purchase a box of colour-coded condoms with your favourite member of JLS on the box (this will be a tough decision for me as I cannot truthfully decide which of JLS are my favourites...although me buying them in the first place could be perceived as unjustifiably optimistic). I like this story a lot because I think it practically invites you to envisage the four members of JLS with an erection. Yes. Would you like to see the four different boxes?:

The lads are getting a lot of stick for doing this, but personally I think it's great. Anything to bring down the number of STIs flying around the night-clubs of Great Britain is brilliant, in my opinion, and while the box clearly states 16+ (it's not a game of Ker-Plunk with "age 8-80" on the side, boys) lots of people do have sex underage (not me, obviously, while all the other kids were out having sex in the park I was sat at home growing my hair and listening to Madonna) and lots of these girls will be JLS fans and it will be a lot less embarrassing for them to buy these then it would be to buy regular condoms.

Of course, the question is: what's next? Diana Vickers endorsing a line of femidoms? Taio Cruz having a range of douche products? N-Dubz brand Viagra? I will keep you posted.

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Hopefully next week will be cheery without the aid of Deirdre and poetry.
Yee-haw, bitches!


  1. This was my favourite celebrity roundup EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. poor nadia. she was much better off when she showered in heels. this just goes to show that good footwear can save lives.

  3. AMAZING. Although serious business I still came out smiling. Thanks, Deirdre!

    But: poor Nadia :( :( :(
    Despite watching Big Brother this year, I just could not be bothered with UBB so I never saw her on it. But nobody deserves to feel that bad!