Friday, 20 August 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


In case you didn't realise, it's Friday. Another long week is coming to a close, and we have all weekend to party, forget the problems that have plagued us this week, and reminisce on the past seven days of Celebrity Gossip as re-told by the biggest bitch in the whole North East of England in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Madonna is 5-fucking-2 and looks better than you ever have or ever will. (Daily Mail)

Reigning Queen.

This week you might have read that Madonna was celebrating her 52nd birthday (I posted a nice blog about it which I think about three people read, you can check that out here). Now I'll be honest with you, folks, even I have started giving up on Madonna recently. Between photos of her looking like an absolute fug and quotes straight from the horse's mouth about her music taking a back-seat while she directs that film no one could give a shit about, it's seemed to me she's almost been accepting that she's no competition for Lady GaGa and might as well pack up and go home. Get a look at this, man, it can plague even the most devout Mo fans with doubt:

Thankfully, Madonna was back on top form this week for her London-based birthday party which was, bizarrely, attended by Billie Piper and Claudia Winkelman. Can you imagine a more odious guest-list for a birthday party? Thankfully, bringing up the rear (how I wish he was bringing up my own rear) Jesus Luz and the gorgeous Lourdes Leon were both in attendance. What had most people talking, however, was Madonna. She. Looked. Stunning:

Of course she's looked better, and of course she doesn't look 21, but this woman is 52 years old and these are untouched paparazzi photos. Just to keep people talking, she also went out with a clutch bag in one hand and a crucifix in the other. Madonna ain't goin' nowhere, folks.

2. At least someone likes Justin Bieber (unfortunately it is the world's biggest bell end). (Perez Hilton)

FOR GODS SAKE JUSTIN BIEBER HOW MINT DO YOU WANT TO BE???

Justin Bieber said he was "living the dream" this week as he became the only person followed by Kanye West on Twitter. Of course, Kanye was probably just doing damage control after inflicting such trauma onto the teenage community when he humiliated Taylor Swift at the VMAs last year.

It all started when Kanye told El Biebero that he was listening to his song Somebody To Love (a bloody good song, as it happens), which made Young Justin tweet:

"I'm 16 and a fan. I'm kinda hyped you're listening to my stuff. Thank you"

Kanye then suggested they collaborate in the future, which I personally think would be absolutely immense. Let's not forget they're both performing at this year's VMAs, could there be a fabulous Lady GaGa/Elton John or Madonna/Britney/Christina style collaboration lined up for them? (Bieber has previously received admiration from bell ends as diverse as Usher and Katy Perry, which brings up an interesting point-- do you have to be a bell end to support Justin Bieber...? *turns off Somebody To Love*...

3. Someone has pissed Alan Carr right off. (Twitter)

Someone has dared to chat back to the chatty man...

Alan Carr took to his Twitter account this week after being homophobically insulted over the Social Networking site. When @melissajedward (who has since deleted her account) called Alan Carr a "fucking queer dick" on her page, the comedian took it upon himself to post a rebuttal:

Thankfully, despite being rightfully pissed off, Alan still had a sense of humour about the whole thing:

You know what it is, though? I say good on Alan Carr for sticking up for himself when he's got absolute bell ends on Twitter taking the piss out of him (even though it actually emerged that the phantom Tweeter was a 12 year old girl...but if you ask me these kids have to learn at some point that homophobia is not OK and if a barrage of abuse from Alan Carr is the way to get the lesson learned then so be it) because people have this attitude about homophobia that it doesn't exist and therefore it doesn't matter to have a laidback approach to it. No. It's real. It goes on. Of course it does.

The moral of the story? Don't mess with Alan Carr.

4. Amir Khan says what we're all thinking. (The Sun)

Will & Grace 2.0

In a bizarre piece of celebrity news, Amir Khan has shit all over any idea that Cheryl Cole and dancer Derek Hough are romantically involved insisting that they're just friends. Cheryl has been linked to the dancer ever since it was announced that Cheryl was to divorce Ashley Cole, although if you ask me it's wishful thinking on the part of the British journalists who refuse to acknowledge the obvious, ie. Derek Hough is a sausage-jockey.

Anyway, back to Amir Khan, who I probably wouldn't kick out of bed even though he seems like a bit of an idiot. He reckons that he was out for dinner with Cheryl and Derek this week and that they are definitely "not going out". However, he's also got a bit of a dig in claiming that their relationship is actually fake in an attempt to generate publicity and fool the press.

I'm not being funny, but I'm not sure Amir Khan is exactly a trustworthy source. While I'll admit that Cheryl and Derek are probably nothing more than friends- even if Derek isn't gay (which, we might as well be honest, he probably is)- can we really believe the words of a man who slags his house guests off to the press?? This is not exactly the sort of thing people get high marks on Come Dine With Me for doing. If you ask me, inviting a couple over for dinner and drinks and slating them to the press is a bit below the belt DO YOU BLOODY GET IT BECAUSE AMIR KHAN IS A BOXER. Ahem. Yes. Moving on.

5. Everyone I have made a terrible mistake. It turns out Ke$ha is, indeed, a massive bell end. (Holy Moly)

Oh God just bloody stop it you stupid twat.

You know how we all have that friend who no one else in the group likes, but you say "oh, give her a chance, she won't be as bad this time" and everyone else collectively groans and wants to leave them out of the day trip but you say "oh don't be so harsh, she means well" or "she doesn't mean to be so annoying" or something, and then the second you see her you think "oh for fuck's sake how am I meant to defend you when you're going on like that??" That's basically how I feel about Ke$ha at this moment in time.

Since her launch last year with Tik Tok everyone jumped down Ke$ha's throat calling her an attention-seeking faker who chats so much shite that she needs to baby-wipe her chin every time she tells an anecdote (yeah that's right I made a joke about wiping up shite, what of it?) but I defended her and said that people were only hating on her because it was cool to. While I stand by what I said, people weren't giving her a chance and were only being horrible about her because she was an easy target, I do feel like Ke$ha has thrown it all back in my face by going out this week wearing this:

Folks, your eyes aren't deceiving you. The sight you see before you is that of pop singer Ke$ha obscuring her face from prying paparazzi by wearing a tiger mask to hide her identity. Now Ke$ha let's be honest. You are a massive twat, and everybody hates you. By wearing this tiger mask it's as if you are giving yourself some sort of importance, and implying you are sick of press intrusion and sick of seeing yourself in the papers. But, in truth Ke$ha, so are all of we. If you want people to stop making fun of you then you simply have to stop giving them fodder.

On a related note, ever since the frankly not-so-good Blah Blah Blah came out people have been thinking that Ke$ha is a shallow nothing who sings unimportant and unoriginal songs about nothing in particular. Now I don't know who her manager/PR is but if I saw that my client was hated for something, I wouldn't then release a music video embodying everything people already hate her. Unfortunately, in lieu of showing her vulnerable side with a song like Dancing With Tears In My Eyes or Hungover (the most Ryan Tedder cliché song of all time that wasn't even produced by Ryan Tedder and isn't actually about being hungover, it's a metaphor you see) her team have opted to release Take It Off as her next single, which has a video featuring Ke$ha behaving like a total bell end.

Dear Ke$ha,
You are making it very difficult to defend you.
Please stop behaving like a twat.
Love,
(Silly Old) Daniel
x

And that, folks, is the end of another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-fucking-haw!

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you, Ke$ha is a massive bellend but she should have released 'Dancing with Tears in my Eyes' instead of 'Your Love is My Drug'. Silly girl.

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