Friday, 6 August 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


The past 24 hours of my life have been engrossed in sorting out my bloody new iPhone. It is, indeed, a very sexy phone but the truth is it has so far been more faff than it is worth. I am literally on the verge of tears of stress every time I look over at it. To take my mind off it for a while, I have decided that I am going to sum up the past seven days of celebrity gossip for you, aren't I generous? Come on then folks; sit back, relax and enjoy the past seven days of celebrity news as told by the biggest bitch in the North East in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup *sets off party popper*...

1. Joe McElderry wants your cock. (The Sun)

Welcome to the club, Joe.

The world collectively rolled their eyes this week as Joe McElderry revealed in an interview with The Sun that he was, despite previous declarations to the contrary, a raving homosexual. That's right, your eyes are not deceiving you, Joe McElderry is a homosexual. The Sun decided to make this their front page story earlier in the week, which I found more than slightly distasteful (especially since this was not exactly a hard-hitting story). Let's see what people on Twitter thought about this core-shaking news:

OK, let's settle this, bell ends. Joe McElderry did not leap out of the closet and shout "surprise!" Joe didn't reveal this about himself as a way of shocking us. This was his way of confirming what people had been suspecting about for a while, and if he hadn't he would still be a laughing stock for saying he was straight. I've been through all this before almost 6 months ago when Ricky Martin came out of the closet and rather than being praised the world showed its ugly side, and it seems that people have learned nothing since then, so I'm going to have to repeat myself to get the message through to everyone.

Just because someone is "flamboyant" or has "feminine" qualities does not mean that they have been on any less of a journey of self-discovery when they come out of the closet. It doesn't mean they want to be gay any more than the boy on the football team who cuts himself because he gets hard in the locker rooms, you know what I mean? So, yes, perhaps it is quite obvious that Joe McElderry is gay. But that doesn't mean that it has always been obvious to Joe. It's sad but true, but I think Popjustice said it best:


You might think Joe is ridiculous, but hundreds of young boys are now going to look up to him, see him being himself and think "I'm OK with who I am now", which may sound completely absurd and over-the-top but I will remind you of the comfort I received watching "screaming queen" Marco Sabba on the fifth series of Big Brother. And so, while hundreds smugly point their finger and say "I knew all along", I will merely say Congratuluations to a brave, local lad. This one, Joe, is for you:



Beautiful.

2. Is Alex Reid chucking the towel in? (Digital Spy)

Post-collagen, Alex didn't even have to be in the same room as Katie to kiss her...

I'm not one to revel in the suffering of another human being (ha!) but things aren't looking good for Katie Price are they? Her single stalled at Number 60, her ex-husband Peter Andre's ITV2 documentary is proving successful and now, if reports are to be believed, her current squeeze Alex Reid has had enough of her! It seems Katie Price's world is collapsing around her!

According to reports, Alex is sick sick sick of Katie blaming everything on him, from her disastrous attempts at a music career to the fact she isn't pregnant yet (of course, Katie Price is such an idiot she's probably forgotten to stop using birth control). Supposedly, she's also making him feel very insecure about his weight by calling him fat and insisting "you've got bigger tits than me". This is ironic, seeing as how Katie Price is the biggest tit in the world, but whatever. Alex Reid is far from fat. Because I'm a pervert, let's see just how far from fat he actually is:


Lovely. Reportedly, Alex is insisting the couple go to marriage counselling, which is a shame because they've only been married about 10 minutes. Personally I can't think of anything worse than discussing your private matters with a total stranger, but seeing as how we've all seen every inch of Katie Price (and I mean literally, Dane Bowers' foot and all) I don't think she has the reservations or privacy issues that most of us would have. Sort it out, Pricey, your kids won't know whether they're coming or going before long!

3. Lindsay is out of prison (and into rehab). (Perez Hilton)

Orange is definitely your colour.

Despite being sentenced to 90 days in prison, Lindsay Lohan was released on Monday morning after spending just 13 days behind bars. It's not all parties and red carpets for Lindsay now, though, as she's straight into a rehabilitation centre for the next 90 days.

Thing is though, we all thought Lindsay was a raging alcoholic but it turns out that in the Morningside Recovery treatment centre (does it want to be any more American? It might as well be called the Ned Flanders Put-Those-Drugs-Down-You-Silly-Billy Centre) Lindsay is actually being treated for bipolar disorder and addiction to crystal meth.

If you ask me, when Lindsay gets out she should seek out and befriend fellow bipolar-sufferer Kerry Katona. The thing is, though, would they get their highs and lows at opposite times to one another in a see-saw effect, or would it be like when girls spend loads of time together and their menstrual cycles sync up? What a distasteful thought.

Get well soon, Lindsay!

4. Lady GaGa is chatting some shite as usual. (Heatworld)

She's beautiful and dirty rich

It's been a while since we've heard Lady GaGa in her trademark unusual/pretentious/fucking mental/bullshit (delete as applicable) fashion but this week she gave us a doozie. When asked about her romantic life, GaGa insisted that she wasn't going to let her sex life stand in the way of her career.

This would, of course, be a perfectly acceptable comment to make had she just said it like a normal person. However, GaGa chose to phrase it somewhat differently, stating: "If I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina". This is, of course, one very important point in favour of abstinence. Forget STIs and forget unwanted pregnancy, this is what you really want to worry about, folks.

What ended up not in the original article was GaGa saying: "Through my vagina. Because I have a vagina, you know. A. VA. GI. NA. Don't even try and say otherwise, because I have a vagina. Not a penis. Nope. No penis on me".

Tragically, though, GaGa did go on to say that she doesn't really get the time to meet anyone, and is currently celibate because of her hectic work schedule, also stating that their have been "bad romances" in her past (don't blame me for that awful pun, she's the one who said it). She probably then talked for a further 15 minutes about her vagina because SHE HAS A VAGINA, YOU KNOW. AND NOT A PENIS.

5. The video for the best song of 2010 has arrived. (OK!)

Sort your hair out, love.

If you haven't heard the new Eminem and Rihanna song Love The Way You Lie then let me tell you, you are truly missing out. It is amazing. The video was released last bloody night and it's so bloody good I could die. It's basically everything I thought it would be except it has Megan Fox and Domonic Monoghan (everyone's favourite Hobbit/Britpop junkie) playing the characters in the song because it would be somewhat distasteful for Rihanna to play a domestically abused woman.

I can describe it till the cows come home WHICH THEY NEVER WILL AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO THEM but you might as well just watch it for yourself:



NOTES:

1. Rihanna still has that minging red hair, and this song is so good it will stay with her for her entire career and she will see that hair in years to come and cringe cringe cringe. Poor lass.
2. I really want to have sex with Eminem. A lot.
3. I really want to have sex with Rihanna. A lot.
4. I really want to have sex with Megan Fox. A lot.
5. I used to quite fancy Domonic Monoghan on Lost but truthfully he needs some hair to be good-looking if you ask me. Of course, I still would.
6. Clearly the best part of the video comes 9 seconds in when Rihanna pulls this face:

7. I like the fact they all catch fire except Rihanna, who should never be lit on fire.
8. They both sound so into it, don't they? It's times like this when you realise it doesn't really matter who wrote the song, no one could sound more passionate or more right for that song than Rihanna.
9. How believable are Domonic and Megan, man??? Eeeeh for fuck's sake.
10. I like the bow she has in her hair in the end. Girlie.
11. Once more for good measure, I really really want to have sex with Rihanna.

And so ends yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-haw!

7 comments:

  1. "or would it be like when girls spend loads of time together and their menstrual cycles sync up"

    I wonder if our ovaries are in sync yet? :D

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  2. If my hair and your hair had a baby it would be Rihanna's hair atm :p xx

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  3. Holy shit, that song IS good. I think Megan Fox a a) a dick b) really fit. Eminem looks so much better with dark hair, no? I wish I was his stylist - easiest job in the world. "Here's a clean white wife beater, Mr Mathers. If you need me, I'll be in the pub."

    Go Joe! And I thought Li-Lo was addicted to Adderall?! Meth is a bit more serious, whoa.

    ▲ WOLF WHISTLE ▲

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  4. I'd like to be his stylist too but I'd just be like "right mate, today we're not bothering with clothes". He does look better with dark hair, though, I agree x

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  5. It's Riri's lip thing from the Rude Boy video!
    I watched the vid with the sound off and it looks like a hot violent love video more than an abusive relationship
    Also Alex Reid deserves better even if he is a bit of an airhead. He reminds me of Derek Zoolander xxx

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  6. for all it's worth I quite like Rihanna's hair at the moment, but I think I speak for myself and Libby... but Megan Fox can quite literraly sit on our faces! pahaha and Your Disco Needs You... *sigh* :D

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  7. I agree that Rihanna's hair is meh, I really like Eminem with dark hair, he actually looks attractive (I never thought I would say that about him ever!) And for a bit of geekery, Alex reid is mimicing Myron's diskobolos statue (or discus thrower) - Classics is more than looking at naked men y'know! :)

    Maria xxx

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