Friday, 23 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well, July is ticking along nicely isn't it? And so we have arrived at yet another Friday with yet another load of celebrity-related shite to rip the piss out of in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Jedward are fucking millionaires, people. (Digital Spy)

No impure thoughts here, folks...

You there-- working your pathetic little 9 to 5 job to support your family or pay your way through college so you can one day escape the shit-hole that is your ridiculous little life. It's a wonder you can even raise your head off the pillow on a morning! Here's some news for you-- it was revealed earlier this week that the talentless pop duo Jedward are, in fact, millionaires.

That's right- while nurses, firefighters and the brave men and women of the armed forces receive their modest salaries and get on with their lives protecting and saving us all, the tall-haired twins from last year's The X Factor are out dicking about on the stage in their skinny jeans and getting a million pounds each for it.

It all came out when a journalist asked them about former mentor Louis Walsh's claims that the pair would one day earn £1million, to which John (of John & Edward fame) piped up "we already have". The thing is, though, I have said it once and I will say it a thousand times: I really would like to have sex with Jedward. I think they are fantastic. And last night when channel-hopping I saw the video for their upcoming single All The Small Things. And let me tell you. They are all sweaty and nice in it:

There's quite a lot of people up in arms about Jedward covering this old school Blink 182 anthem, with bucketloads of videos on YouTube devoted to "Stop Jedward releasing All The Small Things", "Jedward covering Blink 182 is terrible" etc., but let's get real folks. All The Small Things is not genre-defying, it is not earth-shattering nor is it even particularly anthemic. It's just a group of lads having a laugh. So let's all get a grip, shall we?

On the other hand, this Jedward track is- of course- utter bollocks.

2. Westboro Baptist Church do not love Lady GaGa. (Wiki News)

Fuck off.

I'll be honest with you, folks. I don't love Westboro Baptist Church. They literally make me sick to my stomach. The idea of anyone supporting their sick ideas makes me so angry I can't even put it into words. This blog is meant to be light-hearted and a bit of a laugh, so I'll not get onto my high horse about it but I hope that if you're reading this, you are also strongly opposed to a radical group who protest at the funerals of fallen soldiers and those murdered in hate crime attacks.

However, just when you thought they couldn't get any more pathetic, Fred Phelps and his army of ignorance have started protesting at the newest sanctuary for gay men: The Monster Ball. That's right, folks, the Westboro Baptist Church are caught in a Bad Romance with Lady GaGa. A worried GaGa took to her Twitter to console her Little Monsters:

Do you know what it is? Every time I start to go on about Lady GaGa being full of bullshit, being fake and exploiting the gay community for her own agenda she goes and shows obviously genuine concern for her gay fans. She didn't have to say anything, and instead she posted this message of hope to her fans. I have already publicly apologised to Kylie Minogue this week, so I will now apologise to Lady GaGa who is clearly an important LGBT spokesperson for 2010.

Tell you what, though. The Monster Ball was still the worst gig I've been to this year.

3. Somebody is getting saaaaacked. (Digital Spy)

Would you cross this woman? Would you?

Now I don't know about you, reader, but when I think about Madonna, two words that don't come to mind are "compassion" and "patience". Indeed, almost every single she's had in the last 4 years has referenced her impatience. Surely people who know her intimately, like her staff, should be aware of these qualities that the general public have known now for decades? Well, seemingly not.

This week Madonna was on holiday so her staff threw a big fuck-off party at her house in her absence. OK, this is not having your boyfriend come over for some over-the-bra action while your babysitting the neighbours' 4 year old. This is throwing a soirée at the home of the most successful female recording artist of all time. Presumably Maddy's staff didn't think that anyone would ever find out. They thought wrong.

Unfortunately for the staff, neighbours complained to the local council because of noise coming from Madonna's premises, and the Queen of Pop could end up facing a $5000 fine should the case end up going to court. I imagine what happened when Madonna got home and rounded up her staff was not a hundred miles away from this (I urge you to watch this video and imagine it's Madonna shouting at her staff):

4. Poor old Katie Price, eh? (Holy Moly)

Katie Price's first and last performance of Free To Love Again.

Last week Katie Price tragically appeared on GMTV and got quite the negative reaction. Comments on my blog last week ranged from "I actually think my eyes and ears are burning" to "Why exactly is she famous? It can't be for singing." Well, it might not surprise you to hear that the single didn't exactly top the charts, but what genuinely shocked me considering Price's large fan-base was that the single didn't even go Top 40, peaking at a measly number 60 on the charts. To put this into perspective in terms of sales, only 3000 people actually sat down and bought the disaster that is Free To Love Again.

Quite wisely, Katie Price has decided to give up on her week-long career as a popstar and has cancelled an upcoming performance at G-A-Y. This is quite foolish as G-A-Y is probably the only place in the world where a track as awful as Free To Love Again would get a rousing reception.

And I'm not being funny here folks, but I hope that future celebrities who want to venture into the music industry learn a few lessons from this.

1. You can't get a #1 based on who you are, you have to actually put some work in a little bit. 2. Any old shite won't do.
3. If you're going to promote it on Chatty Man it might benefit you to actually perform the track.
4. Boasting about the fact you mimed doesn't make you big nor clever.
5. Music videos are quite important, so if you have a single coming out it couldn't hurt you to actually film one.

5. Cheryl Cole still has malaria. (The Sun)

The best thing to come out of the North East since MessyCarla

Cheryl Cole is still in hospital with that pesky malaria. I must admit I heard about this the other day and thought "Jesus, is that still going on?" as if it were a storyline on a soap opera I'm just waiting to end. PERHAPS PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF SHOULD REMEMBER THAT THIS IS SOMEONE'S LIFE WE'RE DEALING WITH.

Anyway, Cheryl is reportedly getting stronger every day which is good news for her fans, although she has a whole new set of worries to deal with as it seems that malaria may have affected her long-term career. You see, Cheryl lost her voice for five days at the start of her battle with the disease and she is now plagued with worry that the malaria may have permanent damage on her voice. WHAT A TRAGIC LOSS TO THE WORLD OF PERFORMANCE. It's a shame, because Cheryl's live vocals contributed so much to performances like these:

Can I just point you in the direction of the closing sentence on The Sun's article about Cheryl's voice fears:

Frigging hell.

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


  1. I can't believe that there were 3000 people in this world that DID buy Katie Price's single. They obviously need some form of intervention. Unless maybe she tried to boost her own sales..?

  2. I love the comment "The best thing to come out of the North East since Messy Carla" I totally agree :)