Friday, 16 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Apologies that this is my third celebrity roundup off the belt without any content in between. I should fill you in on what's going on in my life before I go any further:

1. This year's Big Brother is still going on and is still "good" to "very good". It is not "excellent".
2. Sophie is in Pittsburgh and I miss her a lot.
3. I was in Belfast Monday to Wednesday, and ended up being delayed 10 hours in Belfast airport. I now know I can handle anything life throws at me.
4. The Pride Radio show with Carla went so well, to the point I'm still gutted we won't get to do another one five days later.
5. I need tickets for Scissor Sisters or I will go insane.
6. I'm going to see Regina Spektor and Pet Shop Boys this week. How very exciting.
7. My Crazy Bitch Syndrome which had laid dormant for some time is starting to raise its ugly head again.
8. I BLOODY GOT MENTIONED ON ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BLOGS, Vera's Big Gay Blog. Which has, if nothing else, restored my faith in this here blog you're reading now. So thanks for that.

And now, what's going on in the world of celebrities this week...?

1. Samantha Ronson says something nice. (Perez Hilton)

"So, like, I totally went to the doctor the other day. And he totally found some blood in my cocaine stream".

The unlikeliest war of words broke out this week between Samantha Ronson and (wait for it) Joan Rivers. That's right, folks. Uber lesbian and world's most plastic comedienne went head to head over Twitter. It all started when Rivers started posting shit about Sam's ex Lindsay Lohan and her upcoming jail sentence, which admittedly is quite funny but it all started to get a bit cruel:

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN LIKES A DRINK, YOU SEE.

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN IS, APPARENTLY, AN IDIOT.

Brilliant stuff, Joan. You are very hip and trendy. Making jokes about Lindsay Lohan. No one would guess you were actually centuries old by the way you make jokes about such current affairs. Quick! Make one about Glee! Make one about Lady GaGa! You're on a roll, woman!

Thing is though, Samantha Ronson did not take kindly to Joan Rivers ripping the piss out of poor old Lindsay, who will soon spend her days crying into her pillow and being fisted by woman twice her size in the prison showers, so she decided to stick up for her ex:

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE JOAN RIVERS IS REALLY OLD.

Lindsay re-tweeted this with a "thanks" followed by A CHEEKY BLOODY WINK. YOU KNOW THE KIND! ;-) MY GOODNESS! COULD THINGS BE BACK ON FOR LOHAN AND RONSON? COULD THEY? ("No" - the world).

2. Oops!...Glee Did It Again. (Marie Claire)

Are you sure you want a piece of me?

Following the success of the Madonna-themed episode which aired this year, the producers of Glee have announced that they are to have a follow-up episode featuring the music of just one artist, this time my other favourite singer in the world Britney Spears.

It's a funny business not living in America, because I'm not entirely sure if the Madonna episode had the desired effect (ie. making Madonna relevant again in a country that still hadn't forgiven her for filming a music video where she threw a grenade at George Bush). Similarly, if we're calling a spade a spade then Britney Spears is more or less over in the UK, while in America she has had number ones in recent times with both Womanizer and 3, which begs the question: why Britney?

If you ask me, the whole thing is just too obvious. Britney's back catalogue is too narrow for there to be any real shockers in the Britney/Glee episode and when it airs in 2011 I'd like to revert back to this list and see how many of these actually happen:

1. Jane Lynch dolled up the nines singing Baby One More Time, probably dressed as a school-girl.
2. Rachel belting out I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.
3. A group performance of Womanizer, probably directed at Puck or someone.
4. Somebody (probably Quinn) being fucked over and singing Stronger.

Saying that, I never thought What It Feels Like For A Girl would have made it into the Madonna episode, so maybe I should give the episode a chance before ripping it to shreds. Still, Britney + Glee = An AutoTune wet dream.

3. Calm down, folks, Rihanna is not an idiot. (Monsters And Critics)

Nobhead.

It's a shame that Chris Brown turned out to be such a violent character, because before all that nasty business of him smacking her around Rihanna and Chris Brown really were a fabulous couple. Shame it all ended so messily, really.

Reports were flooding in this week that Rihanna was talking to Chris Brown over the phone, and was considering having a face-to-face meet-up. A rather ugly stream of judgement followed this, with people calling Rihanna an idiot for even meeting with Chris Brown and that she is meant to be a role model for battered woman and how she should hang her head in shame and all that bollocks.

Right, folks. Rihanna is not a fucking idiot. She is fully aware of what Chris Brown did to her, because it was her that he was doing it to. Not you, pointing the finger. It was her. Moreover, she has a gorgeous new boyfriend at the moment, and he plays basketball and therefore probably has a bigger cock than Chris Brown. Why, then, would she meet up with Chris Brown whose credentials include a failed comeback record and a violent assault charge?

It turns out, she wouldn't, as her rep denied the reports the other day. So what have we learned from this, folks? That it is wrong to judge people without being certain of what it is they've done (I'm joking, of course, if there is an activity more fun than judging others then I haven't found it let me tell you).

4. Oh fucking hell... (Digital Spy)

What a bunch of bell ends.

After about 100 years of speculation, it has been confirmed that Robbie Williams is back with Take That for an album and a tour. It is official, Robbie Williams has accepted that his career is going nowhere and needs to get back with Take That to remind people how good he is. I'm really, really unhappy to be honest. He left Take That because he felt bullied and under-appreciated, and went on to defy everyone's expectations and become the biggest name in British pop music at one time.

I know we look at him now with pity and ridicule, but have a serious think; Let Me Entertain You. Strong. Come Undone. Feel. Tripping. She's Madonna. Lovelight. Robbie Williams is not the loser the press want you to believe he is, he is not a drug addict and he is not a loner. I don't even believe he's particularly unhappy. What I do believe is that he's finally believing what the press have been saying ever since Take That came back on the scene with Patience, and that makes me sad.

Even more disgustingly, to co-incide with this news it's been announced that Robbie Williams is releasing another Greatest Hits CD. It's as if the only way he could get attention to his solo career was to go "I WAS ALSO IN TAKE THAT, YOU KNOW".

HOWEVER. I could warm to the idea. As long as Robbie does not sing on any of the songs released since he left, and there is a little solo section for him, and he doesn't sing on all the songs on the album, then it will all be fine. Unfortunately, I cannot see any of this happening, and Robbie has just floated his credibility down the river so he can have girls screaming his name again. Sad sad sad.



"A message to the troubadour
The world don't love you anymore"
WE SHALL NOT FORGET.

5. Katie Price is flogging something else. (Popjustice)

Oh dear.

MessyCarla posted this on Twitter earlier:

I did not even have to click the link. I knew exactly which video would open when I did. Watch out, folks. Katie Price has a new single and she's not afraid to mime it. She performed it for the very first time on GMTV this morning (in case you didn't realise, that's the video Carla had tweeted earlier) and let me tell you. She should stick to getting her tits out.

For one thing, she'd obviously been taking miming lessons from Britney Spears, ie. moving her mouth around in the vain hope it would match the vocals on the track. For another thing, it is obvious with this single that Katie Price has no wish to be a singer or a popstar or anything like that, this song is obviously so shrewdly marketed at gay men that each copy of the single should come with a free bottle of poppers and readily lubed up dildo. With this single it's obvious she's imagining a 2am performance of it at G.A.Y. with hundreds of drunken queens shouting her name and confessing their love for her. I have the same problem with her new song as I do with the new Vengaboys single, it's just trying too hard to be camp.

Camp is not something that you can successfully achieve when you are trying to achieve it. The beauty of camp is that it must be purely accidental. Deliberately making a song camp is essentially deliberately making it shit, and if you're deliberately making something sound shit then it will just sound shit. If you don't believe me, you can watch for yourself:



Let me tell you, I am one queen who won't jump for Katie Price just because her SoHo-oriented producers tell me to. Of course, the true test will come when I am off my face at 3am at Powerhouse and this song comes on, won't it? I can't promise I will be so adamantly anti-Price then.

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Yee-haw!

5 comments:

  1. Oh my dear God.
    I had lots to say in regards to this post. Then I stupidly clicked play on that video. I am now too traumatised by the absolute spectacle I just witnessed, to think of anything else.

    I actually think my eyes (& ears) are burning.

    Painful. Just painful. In EVERY single possible way.

    www.heart-shaped-bruise.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know this question exposes me as an ignorant American, but is Katie Price the same thing as Jordan? If so, why is she Katie Price some of the time and Jordon at other times? And why exactly is she famous? It can't be for singing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. HA! Katie Price and Jordan are indeed the same person. Jordan started out as a Page 3 girl in The Sun newspaper who basically got her tits out for a living. Somehow this made her massively famous, and since then she's branched out into lots of other things from writing to a line of equestrian clothes (yes, really.)

    Because Jordan was her modelling name and she no longer does the modelling she prefers to go by Katie Price. Seemingly this week she's decided she wants to be a singer. DEAR ME.

    :)
    x

    ReplyDelete
  4. ps As an American, did the Madonna episode of Glee help raise Madonna's profile at all or do you guys still hate her? x

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't know why you think we hate her, but her big fans are mostly queers of a certain age. The Glee episode, however, was universally beloved, and the six track soundtrack CD topped the charts, and there was a lot of nostalgia flying around, especially about "Vogue." I think we'd all love Madonna a lot better if she would stop affecting an English accent. Americans love English accents, but only when they come out of English people.

    ReplyDelete