Friday, 2 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Seven days have passed since I last wrote a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup and since then celebrities have been doing all kinds of crap. Would you like to read some of those things? Of course you would. Here are some of them:

1. In case you hadn't heard, we're not going to win the World Cup. (Guardian)

As England burned, Fabio sang.

I'm sure you've already heard that this was not exactly England's week as on Sunday their World Cup dreams were quashed following a 4-1 defeat from Germany. Of course, all anyone can talk about is that disallowed goal that apparently would have made the game "very different" had it been allowed. I don't know a lot about football but I do know that 4-1 and 4-2 are both loses, so who the hell cares?

I would provide a minute by minute report of the match but I am not someone who gets any pleasure from anything related to football except:

1. Boys in football kits.
2. Victoria Beckham
3. Footballers' Wives.

I am not a big believer in karma if I'm honest, but perhaps John Terry, Ashley Cole and the other nobheads on the England team need to have a think about the karmic consequences of their shitty deeds.
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2. Rihanna has been a rude girl. (Digital Spy)

Hot.

Rihanna has been very naughty indeed this week at a hotel in her home country of Barbados. Staff at a top-class hotel had to spend an entire day cleaning Rihanna's hotel room after it was left in an "unrecognisable" state. What is she like?

It doesn't stop there, though. Throughout Rihanna's stay at the hotel staff had to repeatedly check she was alright after the fire alarm kept going off in her room and a strange smell emerged from underneath the door. That's right, it seems that RiRi and her friends are partial to a spot of marijuana.

What! A! Minx!
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3. Are you ready for the Kerry Katona sex tape? No, neither am I... (News Of The World)

I just can't go on, it's already been too long, but you can make me Whole Again...

He might be an utter dickhead of epic proportions, but Mark Croft has every right to be pissed off with Kerry Katona. The recently aired documentary Kerry and Me (surely that should be Kerry and I...just sayin') showed, among many other horrendous sights, Kerry basically telling the entire world she was planning to leave Mark before actually discussing it with her. What a crazy fucking bitch.

Anyway, now that she's risen out of the ashes as this size 8 bleach-blonde smiling princess once again, and it seems everyone has forgotten she's actually a bipolar nightmare with five hundred children and a cocaine addiction, Mark Croft is hoping to bring her down a peg or two and his way of doing that is selling intimate tapes of the couple shagging to the highest bidder.

This would probably be a smart move if the couple involved were Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt or even Madonna and Guy Ritchie. But on a realistic note, who wants to watch Kerry Katona lying flat on her back while some sponging waste of space thrusts into her three or four times before exhaustedly ejaculating onto her torso? If you haven't been sick in your mouth just picturing that then you have even more psychological problems than Kerry herself, who collects mental illnesses like Cub Scout badges of honour.
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4. Katy Perry is taking the UK by storm. (Heatworld)

100% natural hair.

I've been quite mean about Katy Perry this week, but congratulations to her because her fantastic single California Gurls is number 1 this week and the video is very good except for the part where she has her tits out, and even that would be good if she wasn't behaving as if she had no idea her clothes had even been removed in the first place. Anyway, that's not what I'm here to discuss. What I am here to discuss is the fact that this week Katy Perry joined the judging panel of The X Factor alongside Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole who she *grumbles* claims to have a crush on both of.

However, if you ask me the real story in all of this is HOW BLOODY TALL IS KATY PERRY?:

Get a look! She's basically Amazonian, towering over Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh and Simon bloody Cowell! My goodness! Of course, just when you thought it was safe to start complimenting Katy Perry again, she decides to pose with her tits out again. Shall we get a look?:

What a fucking state. Is there any need for that level of unnecessary nudity? Perhaps she's behaving like a total slut and sexualising women in a disgusting manner. Perhaps she's being brave or even feminist in the way she's standing so bravely with no clothes on. One thing I'm sure we can all agree on, though, is that Katy Perry has a cracking pair of tits. Maybe, though, she should keep them in a top. Or at the very least a brassier.
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5. Britney Spears has still fucking got it. (Facebook)

If there is anything more beautiful than a smiling Britney I have not seen it.

If you thought that you could look like Britney Spears just by rolling out of bed in the morning, slipping into a fresh new tracksuit and leaving your newborn lying on the front lawn while you cruised around LA in a sea of paparazzi, then you were obviously wrong. Because this week it was revealed that the only real way to get the Britney look was to shop at Candie's.

I do not know a damn thing about fashion, so I'm not going to comment on the clothes, apart from stating the obvious that Britney clearly had no hand in designing them whatsoever otherwise they'd all be shapeless, bland items fitted with an extra pocket for keeping cigarettes in. However, let's have a look at the collection so we can ogle the designs and allow Britney's enormous smiles to warm our hearts:


Look at that stunning woman, folks! And so, the next time Britney is photographed tied to a stretcher or comically almost dropping one of her children, I will remind myself of these photos to look back and see that Britney is in fact capable of looking beautiful, happy and even classy. Lovely.

And that brings yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup to a close.
Yee-haw!

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