Thursday, 22 July 2010

An Open Letter To Kylie Minogue

Dear Kylie Minogue,

I have been less than kind about you in the past. Saying that no man wants you, that you dress like a slag and that you have had so much botox your face resembles a balloon stretched over a clenched fist. I now realise that these remarks are neither big nor clever and in fact are not true. You are, in fact, lush.

I'm not sure exactly why I have had such a tirade against you in the past, perhaps it stems from being a Madonna fan and you being the exact opposite of everything Madonna stands for (of course, I am referring to your warmth, your smile and the fact we as humans can relate to you, which are actually three tremendous qualities to have).

The thing is, though, I watched Alan Carr: Chatty Man the other night on which you were a guest and let me tell you, I think I have fallen in love with you. You said, when asked if you would tell X Factor contestants "you're shit:"

"No, no. I wouldn't say that. To their face".

Do you mean to say, Kylie, that you are a bitch? Because the thing is, I am a bitch too. An awful bitch. So I think we could have a lot in common. I think I'd quite like hearing you dish the dirt on people like Jason Donovan and Jake Shears. Which brings me to my next point. Your performance with Scissor Sisters at Glastonbury was absolutely out of this world, Kylie. I mean really. It was very, very good. You made the best song on their album Night Work even better. Jake Shears once said that he'd be too scared to work with Madonna because:

"She [Kylie Minogue] would have my head on a platter".

Thing is, Kylie. It sounds to me like you are a massive bitch. And you know what else? You are bloody gorgeous. Like you are really, really beautiful. And do you know what else? You are single, and so am I. So we can relate to each other on that level as well. We could, probably, talk for hours.

I do actually already own a copy of Ultimate Kylie and am not ashamed to say that Confide In Me, Better The Devil You Know, Love At First Sight, The One and Come Into My World are all absolutely amazing songs. Unlike Madonna, you seem to get better as time goes on (please do not defy me and do a hip-hop album in a few years because then I will have to re-eat my words).

And so, Kylie. I offer you my upmost apologies. I used to think you were uninteresting and insignificant to the world of popular music. But now I see that this is simply not true. You are charming and beautiful and an absolute British pop music staple (despite the fact you are not even British, so good for you, pet). Pet Shop Boys love you and Scissor Sisters love you and Madonna loves you. And now I love you too.

Apologies once more,

(Silly Old) Daniel

ps. Please come to Newcastle for your tour. I will jizz myself.

1 comment:

  1. Just stumbled on your blog. Definitely think I'm going to enjoy reading it. Thanks!