Friday, 30 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

While your miserable, dreary little excuse for life goes plodding along into the grey storm clouds of the great British summertime, celebrities all over the world have been doing all kinds of mildly interesting shite. Would you like to read about some of it? If you wouldn't, let me point you in the direction of Google; a popular search engine Internet users find handy for getting all kinds of information on things that are of interest to them. However, if the past seven days of celebrity gossip with a satirical twist from the biggest bitch in all the North East sound like something that would interest you, then sit back and get ready for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

1. McFly are selling records the Katy Perry way. (Teen Today)

McFly in clothes for a change (get 'em off!)

You might think that McFly are nothing but a bunch of bell ends, but regardless of that 2010 is the year of their comeback (we'll see, though). Unfortunately for them, in their absence the world has quite rightly continued to rotate, people's lives have continued and disaster has been averted. So when a comeback hasn't really been long awaited, there's only one thing to do and that's get your kit off.

The boys all posed nude for this month's Attitude magazine (which you can go and ogle yourself in non-bigoted newsagents all over this fair nation) which has caused quite the stir across the gay male/straight female population, so it has. Shall we have a look at some of the tweets about it? Shall we?:

My favourite is the one that mentioned jizz. Obviously a girl after my own heart. Shall we have a look at one of the photos (if you regularly read my blog you'll already have seen it, mind you, but it's a good photo so let's not be too bothered about that):

Phwoar, right, girls? My goodness! Look at those bods! I have a bit of an issue, though. McFly have shamelessly taken all their clothes off in an attempt to:

1. Sell some records.
2. Get attention.

This is the exact same thing Katy Perry has done by posing naked on a cloud of candyfloss in the video for California Gurls and I'm sure you remember I did a whole thing where I got on my high horse about it. I realised when ogling McFly in all of their fine, naked, toned, tanned glory...erm...what was I talking about again? Oh, yes. Why do we still live in a world where it's OK for men to be overtly sexual in order to get ahead but not for women? So let's all give Katy Perry a break if we're willing to gawk at McFly with all their flesh on show in Attitude. I'll tell you something, though, folks. Go and buy that magazine. You will not be disappointed.

2. Jedward will do bloody well anything to get on the telly. (What's On TV)

What loveable bellends.

I've been quite quiet about this series of Big Brother but if you aren't watching then I really do urge you to, because it is hilarious. Also, if you catch tonight's eviction night special you can catch *sigh* a live performance from Jedward of their single All The Small Things live from inside the house.

That's right, as if the Jedward boys haven't caused enough damage to our ears but unfortunately no damage to our rectums they have agreed to do a live performance from the house as part of this week's "Ignore The Obvious" task. Of course, the poor lads won't know what's hit them when Mario starts following them around the garden offering to give them massages and asking what kind of girls they want to have sex sex sex with.

Seriously, though, readers. Is there anything the Jedward lads won't do for five minutes on the telly? Hopefully, though, this album will be a massive flop and they'll have to promote themselves the McFly way just to stay relevant...

3. Ashley brings flowers, Cheryl tells him where to put them. (Digital Spy)

Someone down at Chelsea obviously can not spell A-Hole...

You'd be forgiven for thinking he was nothing but a heartless twat, but reports claim that this week Ashley Cole took time out from his busy schedule of taking photos of his genitals to send to unsuspecting recipients to give his soon to be ex-wife Cheryl Cole a visit. She's recovering from malaria, you see (still... *grumbles about it surely being time for some celebrity news that doesn't involve malaria*).

Thing is, though, when he got there to wish her well and maybe awkwardly give her some grapes, as you often do with people who are ill for reasons I don't quite understand, he was turned away. Apparently seeing Ashley would be a "traumatic experience" for Cheryl who seems to be spending all her time with her new gay best friend Derek Hough who the papers are desperate to get Cheryl together with despite Derek Hough being as gay as a randomly selected member of a Barbara Streisand concert.

Cheryl doesn't need that bastard, though, she's out of bed and back into the real world again. Get a look at her, man:

Since catching the potentially fatal disease Cheryl has drastically changed her diet and managed to put on a stone (bringing her total weight back up to a healthy 2 stone!) In other news, let's just get a look at this tasteful tweet from Metro News about Cheryl's return to the public eye (Christ she was only going to fucking Starbucks):

"Post-malaria look"???? Jesus, the woman was hours from death, she hasn't been to the bloody spa, you know? My lord.

And if you still haven't had enough Cheryl Cole-related gossip...

4. What the fuck's going on with Girls Aloud? (Holy Moly)

I'd say the main problem with these lot is that they're all so unattractive...

The Girls Aloud comeback has been up in the air for some time now, but it seems things have taken a turn for the worst. Nadine Coyle's probably unlistenable comeback is taking decades to complete (to put things into perspective in the time it's taken Nadine to record what will no doubt be a heap of shite, Cheryl Cole has recorded an album, released three singles, mentored a winning X Factor contestant, been on tour with Black Eyed bloody Peas and recovered from a potentially fatal disease) and Girls Aloud are seemingly itching to get back into the studio-- with or without Nadine.

That's right, because Nadine's solo album is taking a lot longer than originally anticipated, the other four girls are reportedly going to start their next album whether Nadine is involved or not. Let's hope they can keep things going slightly longer than Spice Girls did after Geri Haliwell skeedaddled (although Holler is surprisingly listenable years later).

It's no surprise the other four are getting impatient. After all, Sarah Harding was only ever really good for making headlines after getting pissed and she can't even do that anymore; Kimberley Walsh seems to think that because she's not a stick insect she is therefore a "curvy" woman and that being a "curvy" woman makes you enough of a character to warrant being described as "bubbly" when she is actually as dull as dishwater (for further reading on this type of women also see Jodie Prenger and Josie from this year's Big Brother); Nicola Roberts hasn't done a damn thing ever since she started that tirade against sun-beds (the tanning industry is now being singlehandedly kept afloat by Corin from Big Brother) and Cheryl Cole is probably just happy to record anything that isn't "featuring will.i.am".

On a serious note, I bloody love love love Girls Aloud. They are incredible. And the thought that they may never do another album is a bit depressing to be honest. The question is, could they survive without Nadine? My honest answer is yes they probably could, in the same way they could probably survive without Sarah. Of course, without Nadine the group's talent will plummet by about 150% and their comeback single will be so AutoTuned it will make Sexy! No No No... sound like an Eva Cassidy number, but at the end of the day would that really be so bad?

I know what you're thinking, "oh they don't write their own songs", "oh they don't play their own instruments", "oh that ginger one looks like she's lost a fiver and found a penny" but forget your tirade against manufactured pop, forget your hatred of all things electronic within popular music and just listen to this and honestly say it is not a total marvel:



Mhmm. I thought as much.

5. Yet more hate for Justin Bieber :( (Examiner)

I saw his face and now I'm a Belieber.

I'm starting to understand how Fred Phelps and his army of nobheads actually work when they're picking on the famous people they're going to condemn to Hell. They're not targeting people being genuinely blasphemous or toxic to society, they're going after people who are going to get them publicity. In the past the Westboro Baptist Church have held their outrageously homophobic protests at the concerts of Adam Lambert and Lady GaGa. This time, unfortunately, it's Justin Bieber's turn.

That's right, at his concert in Kansas City on Wednesday night, protests were held by the Christian organisation who claim that "He [Justin Bieber] teaches you to sin and rebel against God's commandments...Justin will answer to God".

You can probably tell if you're a regular reader that I am really very fond of Justin Bieber, and you can also probably tell that I'm not at all fond of Westboro Baptist Church. They make me so angry I can't put it into words. They actually make me queasy with anger. And now they've made me even angrier still. I would love to meet Justin Bieber and shake his hand (and nothing more) because the ugly abuse he puts up with is unbelievable. And the boy is 16 years old.

When I was 16 if someone took the piss out of me it ruined my day. He has millions of people taking the piss out of him every single day; on Twitter, on their blogs, and now an entire Christian organisation is telling people to boycott his music because it will send you to Hell. Well let me tell you, Fred Phelps, you incredible bell end. If Hell's playing GaGa and Adam Lambert and Bieber, then it sounds like somewhere I'd be quite at home. And I'll see you there, you utter twat.

And so ends yet another cheery edition of the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Divven't forget that if you fancy you can follow me on Twitter @sillyolddaniel. Just, you know, in case you were unaware.
Yee-haw!

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Fittie Of The Week: McFly.

So basically, it's Wednesday. We've reached the middle of the week, haven't we? You need something to remind you, at this stage in the week, why you even bother getting out of bed in the morning (with two long days to go until Celebrity Roundup). And what's going to remind you life's worth sticking around for? Money? Family? Love? DON'T BE BLOODY SILLY, WHAT WE NEED IS BOYS WITH NO CLOTHES ON.

This week we're gonna have a chat about McFly, who have taken all their clothes off for August's issue of Attitude magazine. My original plan was to buy the issue half-way through August so that I could spend half of the month excited for the photos and the other half recovering from their pure amazingness. Instead, I flew out to WHSmiths the day after the issue hit the shelves. (The truth of the matter is I actually went to WHSmiths a few days before the issue came out only to discover the delightful but inferior Kylie Minogue on the cover. I caught the eye of an equally disappointed 16-year-old girl who was also looking for the McFly cover.)

Special mention goes to Tom who is now hands down the fittest member of McFly. If you don't believe me then it's because you haven't gone out and bought this month's Attitude for yourself. So really. Go out. To a newsagents. Now. You will not be disappointed.

Friday, 23 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Well, July is ticking along nicely isn't it? And so we have arrived at yet another Friday with yet another load of celebrity-related shite to rip the piss out of in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Jedward are fucking millionaires, people. (Digital Spy)

No impure thoughts here, folks...

You there-- working your pathetic little 9 to 5 job to support your family or pay your way through college so you can one day escape the shit-hole that is your ridiculous little life. It's a wonder you can even raise your head off the pillow on a morning! Here's some news for you-- it was revealed earlier this week that the talentless pop duo Jedward are, in fact, millionaires.

That's right- while nurses, firefighters and the brave men and women of the armed forces receive their modest salaries and get on with their lives protecting and saving us all, the tall-haired twins from last year's The X Factor are out dicking about on the stage in their skinny jeans and getting a million pounds each for it.

It all came out when a journalist asked them about former mentor Louis Walsh's claims that the pair would one day earn £1million, to which John (of John & Edward fame) piped up "we already have". The thing is, though, I have said it once and I will say it a thousand times: I really would like to have sex with Jedward. I think they are fantastic. And last night when channel-hopping I saw the video for their upcoming single All The Small Things. And let me tell you. They are all sweaty and nice in it:



There's quite a lot of people up in arms about Jedward covering this old school Blink 182 anthem, with bucketloads of videos on YouTube devoted to "Stop Jedward releasing All The Small Things", "Jedward covering Blink 182 is terrible" etc., but let's get real folks. All The Small Things is not genre-defying, it is not earth-shattering nor is it even particularly anthemic. It's just a group of lads having a laugh. So let's all get a grip, shall we?

On the other hand, this Jedward track is- of course- utter bollocks.

2. Westboro Baptist Church do not love Lady GaGa. (Wiki News)

Fuck off.

I'll be honest with you, folks. I don't love Westboro Baptist Church. They literally make me sick to my stomach. The idea of anyone supporting their sick ideas makes me so angry I can't even put it into words. This blog is meant to be light-hearted and a bit of a laugh, so I'll not get onto my high horse about it but I hope that if you're reading this, you are also strongly opposed to a radical group who protest at the funerals of fallen soldiers and those murdered in hate crime attacks.

However, just when you thought they couldn't get any more pathetic, Fred Phelps and his army of ignorance have started protesting at the newest sanctuary for gay men: The Monster Ball. That's right, folks, the Westboro Baptist Church are caught in a Bad Romance with Lady GaGa. A worried GaGa took to her Twitter to console her Little Monsters:


Do you know what it is? Every time I start to go on about Lady GaGa being full of bullshit, being fake and exploiting the gay community for her own agenda she goes and shows obviously genuine concern for her gay fans. She didn't have to say anything, and instead she posted this message of hope to her fans. I have already publicly apologised to Kylie Minogue this week, so I will now apologise to Lady GaGa who is clearly an important LGBT spokesperson for 2010.

Tell you what, though. The Monster Ball was still the worst gig I've been to this year.

3. Somebody is getting saaaaacked. (Digital Spy)

Would you cross this woman? Would you?

Now I don't know about you, reader, but when I think about Madonna, two words that don't come to mind are "compassion" and "patience". Indeed, almost every single she's had in the last 4 years has referenced her impatience. Surely people who know her intimately, like her staff, should be aware of these qualities that the general public have known now for decades? Well, seemingly not.

This week Madonna was on holiday so her staff threw a big fuck-off party at her house in her absence. OK, this is not having your boyfriend come over for some over-the-bra action while your babysitting the neighbours' 4 year old. This is throwing a soirée at the home of the most successful female recording artist of all time. Presumably Maddy's staff didn't think that anyone would ever find out. They thought wrong.

Unfortunately for the staff, neighbours complained to the local council because of noise coming from Madonna's premises, and the Queen of Pop could end up facing a $5000 fine should the case end up going to court. I imagine what happened when Madonna got home and rounded up her staff was not a hundred miles away from this (I urge you to watch this video and imagine it's Madonna shouting at her staff):



4. Poor old Katie Price, eh? (Holy Moly)

Katie Price's first and last performance of Free To Love Again.

Last week Katie Price tragically appeared on GMTV and got quite the negative reaction. Comments on my blog last week ranged from "I actually think my eyes and ears are burning" to "Why exactly is she famous? It can't be for singing." Well, it might not surprise you to hear that the single didn't exactly top the charts, but what genuinely shocked me considering Price's large fan-base was that the single didn't even go Top 40, peaking at a measly number 60 on the charts. To put this into perspective in terms of sales, only 3000 people actually sat down and bought the disaster that is Free To Love Again.

Quite wisely, Katie Price has decided to give up on her week-long career as a popstar and has cancelled an upcoming performance at G-A-Y. This is quite foolish as G-A-Y is probably the only place in the world where a track as awful as Free To Love Again would get a rousing reception.

And I'm not being funny here folks, but I hope that future celebrities who want to venture into the music industry learn a few lessons from this.

1. You can't get a #1 based on who you are, you have to actually put some work in a little bit. 2. Any old shite won't do.
3. If you're going to promote it on Chatty Man it might benefit you to actually perform the track.
4. Boasting about the fact you mimed doesn't make you big nor clever.
5. Music videos are quite important, so if you have a single coming out it couldn't hurt you to actually film one.

5. Cheryl Cole still has malaria. (The Sun)

The best thing to come out of the North East since MessyCarla

Cheryl Cole is still in hospital with that pesky malaria. I must admit I heard about this the other day and thought "Jesus, is that still going on?" as if it were a storyline on a soap opera I'm just waiting to end. PERHAPS PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF SHOULD REMEMBER THAT THIS IS SOMEONE'S LIFE WE'RE DEALING WITH.

Anyway, Cheryl is reportedly getting stronger every day which is good news for her fans, although she has a whole new set of worries to deal with as it seems that malaria may have affected her long-term career. You see, Cheryl lost her voice for five days at the start of her battle with the disease and she is now plagued with worry that the malaria may have permanent damage on her voice. WHAT A TRAGIC LOSS TO THE WORLD OF PERFORMANCE. It's a shame, because Cheryl's live vocals contributed so much to performances like these:



Can I just point you in the direction of the closing sentence on The Sun's article about Cheryl's voice fears:

Frigging hell.

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
YEE. HAW.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

An Open Letter To Kylie Minogue


Dear Kylie Minogue,

I have been less than kind about you in the past. Saying that no man wants you, that you dress like a slag and that you have had so much botox your face resembles a balloon stretched over a clenched fist. I now realise that these remarks are neither big nor clever and in fact are not true. You are, in fact, lush.

I'm not sure exactly why I have had such a tirade against you in the past, perhaps it stems from being a Madonna fan and you being the exact opposite of everything Madonna stands for (of course, I am referring to your warmth, your smile and the fact we as humans can relate to you, which are actually three tremendous qualities to have).

The thing is, though, I watched Alan Carr: Chatty Man the other night on which you were a guest and let me tell you, I think I have fallen in love with you. You said, when asked if you would tell X Factor contestants "you're shit:"

"No, no. I wouldn't say that. To their face".

Do you mean to say, Kylie, that you are a bitch? Because the thing is, I am a bitch too. An awful bitch. So I think we could have a lot in common. I think I'd quite like hearing you dish the dirt on people like Jason Donovan and Jake Shears. Which brings me to my next point. Your performance with Scissor Sisters at Glastonbury was absolutely out of this world, Kylie. I mean really. It was very, very good. You made the best song on their album Night Work even better. Jake Shears once said that he'd be too scared to work with Madonna because:

"She [Kylie Minogue] would have my head on a platter".

Thing is, Kylie. It sounds to me like you are a massive bitch. And you know what else? You are bloody gorgeous. Like you are really, really beautiful. And do you know what else? You are single, and so am I. So we can relate to each other on that level as well. We could, probably, talk for hours.

I do actually already own a copy of Ultimate Kylie and am not ashamed to say that Confide In Me, Better The Devil You Know, Love At First Sight, The One and Come Into My World are all absolutely amazing songs. Unlike Madonna, you seem to get better as time goes on (please do not defy me and do a hip-hop album in a few years because then I will have to re-eat my words).

And so, Kylie. I offer you my upmost apologies. I used to think you were uninteresting and insignificant to the world of popular music. But now I see that this is simply not true. You are charming and beautiful and an absolute British pop music staple (despite the fact you are not even British, so good for you, pet). Pet Shop Boys love you and Scissor Sisters love you and Madonna loves you. And now I love you too.

Apologies once more,

(Silly Old) Daniel
xx

ps. Please come to Newcastle for your tour. I will jizz myself.

Friday, 16 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Apologies that this is my third celebrity roundup off the belt without any content in between. I should fill you in on what's going on in my life before I go any further:

1. This year's Big Brother is still going on and is still "good" to "very good". It is not "excellent".
2. Sophie is in Pittsburgh and I miss her a lot.
3. I was in Belfast Monday to Wednesday, and ended up being delayed 10 hours in Belfast airport. I now know I can handle anything life throws at me.
4. The Pride Radio show with Carla went so well, to the point I'm still gutted we won't get to do another one five days later.
5. I need tickets for Scissor Sisters or I will go insane.
6. I'm going to see Regina Spektor and Pet Shop Boys this week. How very exciting.
7. My Crazy Bitch Syndrome which had laid dormant for some time is starting to raise its ugly head again.
8. I BLOODY GOT MENTIONED ON ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BLOGS, Vera's Big Gay Blog. Which has, if nothing else, restored my faith in this here blog you're reading now. So thanks for that.

And now, what's going on in the world of celebrities this week...?

1. Samantha Ronson says something nice. (Perez Hilton)

"So, like, I totally went to the doctor the other day. And he totally found some blood in my cocaine stream".

The unlikeliest war of words broke out this week between Samantha Ronson and (wait for it) Joan Rivers. That's right, folks. Uber lesbian and world's most plastic comedienne went head to head over Twitter. It all started when Rivers started posting shit about Sam's ex Lindsay Lohan and her upcoming jail sentence, which admittedly is quite funny but it all started to get a bit cruel:

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN LIKES A DRINK, YOU SEE.

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN IS, APPARENTLY, AN IDIOT.

Brilliant stuff, Joan. You are very hip and trendy. Making jokes about Lindsay Lohan. No one would guess you were actually centuries old by the way you make jokes about such current affairs. Quick! Make one about Glee! Make one about Lady GaGa! You're on a roll, woman!

Thing is though, Samantha Ronson did not take kindly to Joan Rivers ripping the piss out of poor old Lindsay, who will soon spend her days crying into her pillow and being fisted by woman twice her size in the prison showers, so she decided to stick up for her ex:

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE JOAN RIVERS IS REALLY OLD.

Lindsay re-tweeted this with a "thanks" followed by A CHEEKY BLOODY WINK. YOU KNOW THE KIND! ;-) MY GOODNESS! COULD THINGS BE BACK ON FOR LOHAN AND RONSON? COULD THEY? ("No" - the world).

2. Oops!...Glee Did It Again. (Marie Claire)

Are you sure you want a piece of me?

Following the success of the Madonna-themed episode which aired this year, the producers of Glee have announced that they are to have a follow-up episode featuring the music of just one artist, this time my other favourite singer in the world Britney Spears.

It's a funny business not living in America, because I'm not entirely sure if the Madonna episode had the desired effect (ie. making Madonna relevant again in a country that still hadn't forgiven her for filming a music video where she threw a grenade at George Bush). Similarly, if we're calling a spade a spade then Britney Spears is more or less over in the UK, while in America she has had number ones in recent times with both Womanizer and 3, which begs the question: why Britney?

If you ask me, the whole thing is just too obvious. Britney's back catalogue is too narrow for there to be any real shockers in the Britney/Glee episode and when it airs in 2011 I'd like to revert back to this list and see how many of these actually happen:

1. Jane Lynch dolled up the nines singing Baby One More Time, probably dressed as a school-girl.
2. Rachel belting out I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.
3. A group performance of Womanizer, probably directed at Puck or someone.
4. Somebody (probably Quinn) being fucked over and singing Stronger.

Saying that, I never thought What It Feels Like For A Girl would have made it into the Madonna episode, so maybe I should give the episode a chance before ripping it to shreds. Still, Britney + Glee = An AutoTune wet dream.

3. Calm down, folks, Rihanna is not an idiot. (Monsters And Critics)

Nobhead.

It's a shame that Chris Brown turned out to be such a violent character, because before all that nasty business of him smacking her around Rihanna and Chris Brown really were a fabulous couple. Shame it all ended so messily, really.

Reports were flooding in this week that Rihanna was talking to Chris Brown over the phone, and was considering having a face-to-face meet-up. A rather ugly stream of judgement followed this, with people calling Rihanna an idiot for even meeting with Chris Brown and that she is meant to be a role model for battered woman and how she should hang her head in shame and all that bollocks.

Right, folks. Rihanna is not a fucking idiot. She is fully aware of what Chris Brown did to her, because it was her that he was doing it to. Not you, pointing the finger. It was her. Moreover, she has a gorgeous new boyfriend at the moment, and he plays basketball and therefore probably has a bigger cock than Chris Brown. Why, then, would she meet up with Chris Brown whose credentials include a failed comeback record and a violent assault charge?

It turns out, she wouldn't, as her rep denied the reports the other day. So what have we learned from this, folks? That it is wrong to judge people without being certain of what it is they've done (I'm joking, of course, if there is an activity more fun than judging others then I haven't found it let me tell you).

4. Oh fucking hell... (Digital Spy)

What a bunch of bell ends.

After about 100 years of speculation, it has been confirmed that Robbie Williams is back with Take That for an album and a tour. It is official, Robbie Williams has accepted that his career is going nowhere and needs to get back with Take That to remind people how good he is. I'm really, really unhappy to be honest. He left Take That because he felt bullied and under-appreciated, and went on to defy everyone's expectations and become the biggest name in British pop music at one time.

I know we look at him now with pity and ridicule, but have a serious think; Let Me Entertain You. Strong. Come Undone. Feel. Tripping. She's Madonna. Lovelight. Robbie Williams is not the loser the press want you to believe he is, he is not a drug addict and he is not a loner. I don't even believe he's particularly unhappy. What I do believe is that he's finally believing what the press have been saying ever since Take That came back on the scene with Patience, and that makes me sad.

Even more disgustingly, to co-incide with this news it's been announced that Robbie Williams is releasing another Greatest Hits CD. It's as if the only way he could get attention to his solo career was to go "I WAS ALSO IN TAKE THAT, YOU KNOW".

HOWEVER. I could warm to the idea. As long as Robbie does not sing on any of the songs released since he left, and there is a little solo section for him, and he doesn't sing on all the songs on the album, then it will all be fine. Unfortunately, I cannot see any of this happening, and Robbie has just floated his credibility down the river so he can have girls screaming his name again. Sad sad sad.



"A message to the troubadour
The world don't love you anymore"
WE SHALL NOT FORGET.

5. Katie Price is flogging something else. (Popjustice)

Oh dear.

MessyCarla posted this on Twitter earlier:

I did not even have to click the link. I knew exactly which video would open when I did. Watch out, folks. Katie Price has a new single and she's not afraid to mime it. She performed it for the very first time on GMTV this morning (in case you didn't realise, that's the video Carla had tweeted earlier) and let me tell you. She should stick to getting her tits out.

For one thing, she'd obviously been taking miming lessons from Britney Spears, ie. moving her mouth around in the vain hope it would match the vocals on the track. For another thing, it is obvious with this single that Katie Price has no wish to be a singer or a popstar or anything like that, this song is obviously so shrewdly marketed at gay men that each copy of the single should come with a free bottle of poppers and readily lubed up dildo. With this single it's obvious she's imagining a 2am performance of it at G.A.Y. with hundreds of drunken queens shouting her name and confessing their love for her. I have the same problem with her new song as I do with the new Vengaboys single, it's just trying too hard to be camp.

Camp is not something that you can successfully achieve when you are trying to achieve it. The beauty of camp is that it must be purely accidental. Deliberately making a song camp is essentially deliberately making it shit, and if you're deliberately making something sound shit then it will just sound shit. If you don't believe me, you can watch for yourself:



Let me tell you, I am one queen who won't jump for Katie Price just because her SoHo-oriented producers tell me to. Of course, the true test will come when I am off my face at 3am at Powerhouse and this song comes on, won't it? I can't promise I will be so adamantly anti-Price then.

And so ends this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Yee-haw!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Hello there, folks. I never mentioned on here the fact that the lovely MessyCarla and myself co-hosted a spot on local gay station Pride Radio last Sunday. Well we're back for our second (and final *weeps*) show this Sunday at 6pm, you can listen online for free over here which I would heartily recommend should you find yourself with nothing to do this Sunday. It'll be a laugh, I promise :)

It might have been an unproductive week here at Silly Old Daniel HQ (it has, embarrassingly, been an entire week since I last blogged) but in the world of celebrity it has been all go. And so, it being Friday and all, let's have a look back over the past seven days of celebrity gossip in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Weed unarguably makes football more interesting. (Holy Moly)

Demure as ever, Miss Hilton.

If you're anything like me, which if you're reading a blog with "big gay adventures" in the title you probably are, then you're sick to fucking death of the World Cup. Our fair nation have been out of the tournament for almost a week now and still you cannot move without people talking about it. Germany getting kicked out over here and Spain doing something over there. It's all very good if you're into that sort of thing but here in the Welsh household we like to watch Coronation Street without week-long breaks so that the masses can watch their football matches. Never mind all that, I want to know what's happening in Weatherfield.

Because it seems Paris Hilton has become so irrelevant in 2010 that she'd show up to the opening of a fucking envelope these days, she obviously saw the World Cup was creating a buzz and decided to show up in South Africa for the Brazil v Holland match, where she created a buzz of her own, following in the footsteps of a certain Miss Rihanna I could mention, by lighting up a joint during the game.

Now I am not a user of illegal substances myself, nor do I condone those who are, but I must admit that I do not blame Paris for puffing the magic dragon during that World Cup match. Let's face facts here, folks. Football is bloody boring. The only way you can enjoy it is if you are on another plain of reality. So while normally I would say "throw the book at her" like the judgemental little princess that I am, let's bear in mind the circumstances surrounding the whole thing.

Of course, after she was detained for possession of an illegal substance, it turned out that- oh, yes, silly me- the drug was actually her mate's and it was her friend who ended up being sentenced and fined. Anyone who still believes that Paris is an idiot has obviously not heard this tale...

2. Brandon Flowers is begging you to be his mate (Lady GaGa, meanwhile, is not). (Popjustice)

I'll bring you Flowers in the pouring rain (y'get it?)

I made quite a mean joke about Paloma Faith begging people to buy her album on Pride Radio on Sunday but at the end of the day there's nothing worse than seeing a respected popstar begging is there? Well, it turns out there is. And that is watching a respected popstar begging you for something while pretending that they aren't begging.

You thought Brandon Flowers was above all that, didn't you? Or maybe you're part of the crew who thinks that because everyone knows who The Killers are now that they're sell-outs (why anyone wouldn't want their favourite band to do well is beyond me, to be honest, I'd bloody love Alphabeat to get the Number 1 single they deserve this year but unfortunately it doesn't seem like that is very likely despite my best efforts). Either way, spangly new solo artist Brandon Flowers has been bribing people over Facebook to "like" his page as a means of seeing his new album artwork. Apparently if enough people "like" his page he will show them the artwork for his upcoming album 'Flamingo'. Oh. My. Goodness.

In related news, one person who doesn't need to bribe anyone to "like" her Facebook page is Lady GaGa. This week it was revealed that she had overtaken US President Barack Obama and is now the most popular living person on Facebook. Bizarrely, the second most popular living person on Facebook is Vin Diesel. Who'd have thought it?

3. Cheryl has outstaged Dannii. A-bloody-gain. (Perez Hilton)

Cheryl and an unidentified older gay gentleman.

"Hey guess what everyone"
"Oh it's you, what do you want?"
"Well you know that fetus that's been gestating in my womb for the past nine months..."
"Hmmm. You mentioned it. What about it?"
"Well I gave birth to it today"
"Really, that's fantastic news. Show us a photo! Do you have names picked out ye--"
"EEEEH FOOKIN' 'ELL 'AV ONLY GURN AND GOT MESELL MALAAAAREE-AH"

You've got to hand it to Dannii Minogue. She's spent her entire life living in the shadow of her sister, only to come out into the light on The X Factor where she ended up being upstaged by the younger and more relevant Cheryl Cole (or is it Cheryl Tweedy, I think it's about time someone released an official statement about these sorts of things).

But at this week it really was Dannii's week. After nine months of chatting on about being pregnant and how excited she was for being a mother, she finally bit her lip and gave birth to baby boy Ethan Smith (with a name like that, and Minogue genes, he really has no choice but to grow up into an Australian-style hottie does he?) and for the first time ever in her life all eyes were on Dannii. What a lovely moment.

It didn't last long though. Because while Dannii might be the one with a newborn, but her sister Kylie Minogue has a brand new album which is now Number 1 in 8 different countries, which she celebrated with an enormous night out in one of Ibiza's biggest night clubs. Dannii couldn't go, she had a screaming baby at home. Still, there'll be other parties. She might have a Number 1 one day...maybe...

As if that wasn't enough of a kick in the nuts for poor Dannii, the front page of The Mirror the day she gave birth announced CHERYL'S GOT MALARIA. For the first time since Cheryl joined The X Factor judging panel, it was finally time for people to look at Dannii with something other than pity and she has her thunder stolen once again. What will it take for Dannii to get one minute in the sun, the poor lass.

4. Jedward "may never dance again" (and the world breathes a sigh of relief). (Digital Spy)
Sit on me.

If anyone was at T4 On The Beach over last weekend you'll have seen Edward Grimes off of Jedward going down like a sack of shite and tearing the ligaments in his leg. How painful and embarrassing. Let's watch (not to be unnecessarily cruel but the entire thing is a waste of your time unless you fast-forward to 1:57, the rest of the performance is marred by Edward's grimacing face as he attempts to dance on his injured leg):



Now I know that I always take Jedward's side in times like this because I feel a bit sorry for them (and would also really like to have sex with them provided they didn't speak the entire time), but how professional of Edward off Jedward to carry on dancing despite having a badly injured leg. More importantly, though, how stupid as it now needs surgery on it.

This reminds me of the first time I ever went to Powerhouse and they were playing a mash-up of Vogue and How Will I Know?. I ran onto the dancefloor and went over on my ankle, not realising there was a step down onto it. Thankfully, by this time I was absolutely inebriated by this point and could not feel how much pain I was in until the next day when I couldn't put any weight on my ankle whatsoever. It was worth it, though. I haven't heard Vogue in Powerhouse since.

Even more professionally still, despite Edward's impending surgery there are no plans for Jedward's upcoming tour to be cancelled, with the pair insisting "we're not going to be like U2" who recently cancelled their Glastonbury performance after Bono hurt his back. Bloody 'ell, what troopers.

5. Li Lo. Li Lo. It's off to jail you go... (Metro)

So "fetch".

As I'm sure you've heard, Lindsay Lohan has been sent down for 90 days following her breaking the terms of her probation. The initial crime was a drink-driving charge all the way back in 2007, and instead of staying in and being a good girl, LiLo has been out on the town getting pissed. She seems to think she can get away with these sort of things, but unfortunately for her she can not and so it's back to the slammer with her.

What people in court at the time did not realise, was that Lindsay had her nails done specially for the trial, and was giving the judge sending her down a secret message each time she raised her hand to her face:


HOW! UNFRIENDLY! Unfortunately for LiLo, this little subliminal message could end up landing her even more time in jail than she had intended, and could end up with her having her sentence extended by almost a week for contempt.

When it comes to making a bad situation even worse, Lindsay always nails it every time...

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-haw!