Saturday, 19 June 2010

The Slightly Belated Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Folks I am a bit all over the place at the minute. I haven't been blogging because being anywhere near a computer means I'll inevitably be on some form of social networking site which I'm trying to pry myself away from at the moment for fear of sending myself insane wondering what people are doing and comparing it to what I, myself, am doing. We all have those weeks where we float out of ourselves, look around our lives and think "oh my goodness" and don't quite know what to do next so the only logical thing to do is run off to Leeds for a weekend to hide from our problems? Yes? So I apologise to all those who have missed my blogging and if you're reading this and thinking "pfffft" then fuck you because I know you're out there :p Anyway. Famous people. Doing activities. Here are some of them in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Zac Efron is really fit. (Just Jared)


I've got no quarms in telling you that I bloody love Zac Efron. He has a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes and beautiful arms and a beautiful body. He seems very charming and like someone your mam would go "you know what, I didn't initially agree with you being gay, bringing home transvestites and men with pierced urethras for Sunday dinner, but ever since I met your boyfriend Zac I've really warmed to you and your community."

So anyway, Zac Efron went to the beach this week, and had a splash about in the sea. What fun. You're probably thinking "fuck off Daniel, that's barely news". And you'd be right. But let's just have a look at something shall we?:

Famine? War? Political unrest? WHO CARES-- LOOK AT THAT BODY!!! Well done all concerned. God, if you're reading, you've really screwed up in the last few years but I am willing to overlook that since you did give us Zac and his, frankly, awe-inspiring body to gaze lustfully at.

2. Katie Price has had more hen nights than I've had hot dinners. (Metro)

Nice crotch.

If you're anything like me then you're sick to fucking death of hearing about Katie Price getting married. I'm glad she's not my friend on Facebook, her frequently changing relationship statuses would be constantly clogging up my News Feed and there's nothing worse than that (MY FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK WILL UNDERSTAND THIS JOKE IS IRONIC BECAUSE I UPDATE MY STATUS ABOUT 100 TIMES A DAY, YOU SEE, HAR HAR HAR WHAT A LAUGH YOU ARE DANIEL). It seems like if Katie Price isn't getting divorced she's getting married, and if she isn't getting married then she's renewing her wedding vows. And that's exactly her plans for she and her new(ish) husband Alex Reid.

In preparation for her upcoming nuptuals, Katie Price had another hen night this week. Can you imagine just how many hen nights this woman has had? I bet at the end she makes a lovely speech where she cries some emotional botox-laiden tears and then says "right girls I'll see you all in six months for my next hen night". For this particular hen night she took all of the women in her life she claims are important, which includes her daughter Princess Tiami but apparently does not include that bender who follows her around, out for a spa day. But this was not just a regular spa day. Because the spa day took place at a botox clinic.

It doesn't stop there, though, as apparently Katie Price is set to perform her upcoming debut single at the ceremony. Thankfully, her guests' faces will be so frozen by the botox that their expressions of horror and disgust will be totally undecipherable.

3. What the fuck has Kelly Rowland come dressed as? (Popjustice)

Two people obviously perfectly comfortable in each others' company.

Pop music is a funny old thing, isn't it? It goes through strange phases where one minute you can have a number one just wearing jeans and a t-shirt, the next minute you need to lob a telephone on your head. At this moment in time we are in one of the latter phases, where popstars who were once considered "tame" and "middle of the road" need to pull out the big guns in order to get themselves noticed.

This is exactly what Kelly Rowland did on her appearance on Graham Norton's chat show this week, as she sat around in what appeared to be little more than her brassiere and some form of military chapeau. One cannot deny that this style of clothing shows off her wonderful figure as best it can, but one also cannot deny that she looks a fucking state. She looks like bloody Slash which, oddly, is a look Rihanna pulled off quite successfully in the video for her American single Rockstar 101:

Anyway, she might have looked like she just rolled out of bed with a sergeant major-type, but she then went on to perform her new single Commander for the crowd at The Graham Norton Show. And let me tell you, it was something very special:

Could Beyoncé pull off something as unselfconsciously fun and carefree as that pop nugget in the video above? Think about it. She might not have worn something quite as unforgivably hideous, but she couldn't do it justice. Saying that, could Kelly Rowland perform a song as deliciously cocky as Why Don't You Love Me? and not look simply desperate or unjustifiably arrogant? The answer, of course, is no which proves further that Kelly Rowland and Beyoncé are two very different types of popstars and people should just stop comparing them now. That is enough of that.

4. Woopsie, it could be jail for Perez Hilton. (Popeater)

Prison For Bitches?

Like all good bloggers, Perez Hilton likes to take the piss out of Miley Cyrus. However, his taunting of the teen star could soon be landing him in a spot of hot water after he took things ever-so-slightly too far and posted a doctored photo to his Twitter of Miley Cyrus seemingly not wearing any undies.

As it turns out, the picture was a fake, but if speculation is to be believed Perez could be in a spot of legal trouble for posting a nude photo of a minor, fake or otherwise. Let's not forget that despite my hatred of her, Miley is really only 17 and who here can honestly say that they agree with everything they did when they were 17. I can't, I was a fucking mess when I was 17. I watched 17 Again with Katie the other night and can't believe how happy Matthew Perry was to be, as the title suggests, 17 again-- personally I can't think of anything worse.

If worst comes worst Perez's unfortunate blunder could end up landing him up to 15 years in prison and a lifetime on the sex offender's register (one Hollywood list he's not dying to get his name on). Sitting in his cell and swapping coke at Lindsay's house to being poked in the "big house", I bet Perez would probably prefer being 17 again too-- even if he did used to be fat and shiny.

5. Katy Perry has a new video that she hopes will make your pants grow tighter. (Daily Mail. I'd also like to acknowledge the fact that if you follow that link you can see a headline containing the word "saucy". Amazing.)


Now before I begin this rant about the brand new Katy Perry video let me tell you that I love Katy Perry's music, I saw her live last Summer and she absolutely blew me away because she is a very talented woman without feeling the need to resort to performances like this to prove she is a serious "artiste". This, however, is where my defence of Katy Perry ceases because her new video is absolutely inexcusable. California Gurls is a perfectly adequate piece of post-Ke$ha pop about nothing in particular which features a rap from the increasingly irrelevant Snoop Dogg.

Carla and I were trying to put into words exactly why we didn't like Katy Perry, and I think she summed it up best by saying "it's the way she acts as if she doesn't know what she's doing" and I could not agree more. If Katy Perry was being aggressively sexual in this video then I'd say "good for her" and that would be it. But she's not. She's lying naked on a cloud of candy floss and pulling facial expressions like this...

...almost as if to say "oh my goodness where have my clothes on what a silly girl I am tee-hee how very silly you can see my boobies." Other annoying moments of Katy Perry Coyness (KPC for short) occur at this point in the video...

...where Katy seems to be fanning herself while her breasts are covered in some form of cream cake (a costume choice which, to me, just screams "we're going to need considerably bigger buns") and at this point in the video...

...where Katy completely non-suggestively licks an ice cream cone. I stress this shot of the video comes before the video has even been going 20 seconds. Such is the bombardment of sexual imagery in this actually load-of-bollocks video.

It's times like this it's hard not to look fifteen years into the future and see Katy and Lady GaGa as Cyndi Lauper and Madonna respectively, isn't it?

And so ends the slightly belated Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


  1. Eee I bet Michelle Heaton won't like that her and Jordan's henparties have clashed. Seriously I'm bringing that stunning peice of journalism in for you today, it really is brilliant.

    And thank you for the rundown of the California Girls video. What an awful mess from start to finish (except her cookie beret, which I want). WHY is Snoop Dog even there - it's the bit where he's all *c'mere sexxay biatches*, it's no different to a regular video of women typical being oversexualised objects. Oh wait, it's okay - because Katy Perry is *quirky* yes? Grrr.

  2. I just hate the fact that she is acting as Carla said as if she doesn't know what she is doing. When I heard the song I was expecting palm trees and rollerskates not suggestive icecream licking! It's just a bit meh you know? BUT Zefron is HOT! I have only recently started crushing on him but man alive! (Now I can fan myself coyly :P)

    Maria xxxx

  3. Palm trees and rollerskates exactly! Perhaps she could comedically fall over or something, I can see her in a cute little bikini. I even thought maybe a video taking the piss out of Paris Hilton-types could be a nice idea rather than a video where she dances around with cake on her tits and no top on, yknow?

  4. I'm sorry but Zac Efron is so fit. So so fit. In my first year of university I had a literal shrine to him in my room. How sad. Love = <3
    I also hate the Katy Perry video too. I saw her live also and thought she was IMMENSE, but ever since following her on Twitter I'm beginning to really dislike her, she's just some attention seeking little bint who thinks she is different when she is not and attacks Lady GaGa in a way to appear controversial. Is a well good song though but such a shit video. Also another thing that annoys me about the video is if they are going to make such a mockery of a music video, they might as well do the CGI properly, all the effects were rubbish!!
    OK, rant over. Just hating Katy Perry video. Bare. xx

  5. Eeek Zeffron's chest scares me! He has such a sweet little face, i wasn't expecting such muscles! (i like my men small and wimpy... and old :P)
    I hate Katy Perry, partly because of her 'i kissed a girl' song (still need to reply to your very good post about fake lezzer kisses), also for the reasons you described here. Her false coyness is so irritating. I also just find something very irritating about her face. And i hate the song.
    ...not got much going for it for me!

    And why the hell does Jordon need to renew her vows when she just got married this year? Mental!

  6. You like your men small and wimpy, eh, Lillian? Does that mean I'm in with a chance? ;) x

  7. I just thought something that was about California, not Alice in Wonderland on candy acid which (let's face it) is getting a bit old now... And yay for small and wimpy men! ;) xxxx