Friday, 11 June 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


It was gay night on Tuesday night, so I hit Diva with my spangly new boyfriend, where a lovely lassie at the bar told me that every Friday she looked forward to a good dose of celebrity gossip from yours truly. Unfortunately I was so drunk that night I accidentally kicked a pint glass over someone dancing to Ke$ha's Your Love Is My Drug on a staircase, so the rest of the conversation is difficult for me to recollect. Nonetheless, it was nice to know that somebody out there is reading this shite, so let's all sit back and enjoy this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Miley Cyrus wants to shut her mouth. (Digital Spy)

Slut.

Right, if you've spoken to me at all over the past week and a half I've probably mentioned Miley Cyrus and her faked lesbian kiss on Britain's Got Talent. It really pissed me off. Then I posted that bloody long blog where I called her a shameless "boner dyke" with no respect for homosexuality. This week she apologised to everybody. Except it wasn't a proper apology, because she didn't actually apologise for the right thing. So rather than an apology it was actually more a series of words that were strung together in an order that made sense semantically while in fact not expressing anything at all.

I know what you're thinking, that I hate Miley Cyrus so much these days that anything she said would only end up twisted to make her look like an ignorant bint. And to these people, I invite you to read a section of Miley's apology which she posted on her official blog:

"I promise you I did not kiss her and it is ridiculous that two entertainers cant even rock out with each other without the media making it some type of story. I really hope my fans are not disappointed in me because the truth is I did nothing wrong."

Right, there's quite a few things wrong with that, aren't there? The overall message of the apology is clearly that because Miley didn't actually kiss the girl, she didn't do anything wrong. This sort of argument would imply that Miley would have done something wrong by kissing the girl, which really sees Miley digging herself a hole even bigger and deeper than that overused crevice between her legs. Another thing, Miley doesn't hope her fans aren't disappointed because she believes that kissing girls is an acceptable way to go on, and she wouldn't want prejudice to fester within her fan community-- she just does hopes they aren't disappointed because she only faked the kiss.

Seriously Miley get a fucking clue.
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2. Chris Brown?? Not in my country. (Heatworld)

Chris Brown: disgusting human being, good body.

Remember a while ago when Chris Brown smacked Rihanna about? Disgusting behaviour, I'm sure you agree. Thankfully, the story had a happy ending because Rihanna bounced back stronger than ever with a much hotter boyfriend and much better hair, meanwhile the world now rightly thinks Chris Brown is an utter bell-end. I mean really. Hitting Rihanna. In what world is that OK? No world.

So anyway, Chris Brown was meant to be doing a UK tour this week. Apparently, some people are more than happy to put money in his pocket knowing fine well that when he gets angry he grabs women by their hair and smashes their face against a car window. Fortunately for the conscience-baring members of Great Britain, the gigs have been cancelled indefinitely due to Chris Brown being denied a visa for this country.

It hasn't been confirmed that it's because of the way he abused and humiliated the best popstar in the entire world (that's Rihanna for any Little Monsters reading this), the Home Office has the right to deny access to the country to anyone "guilty of a serious criminal offence". I propose that a new law, perhaps to be named "Chris's Law", be imposed stating "no bell-ends allowed in the UK, please".
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3. Katy Perry doesn't like the new Lady GaGa video, and neither do I. (Twitter)

Nice hair, Harold.

Lady GaGa released her brand new video unto the world this week, for her upcoming single Alejandro. I'm not going to waste your time going through it frame by frame like I did with the Telephone video, I'll just let you judge it for yourself:



Of course, when I say "I'll just let you judge it for yourself" what I mean is "here's the video, and here's why I don't like it and if you don't agree with me you're either wrong or just wearing GaGa-brand horse blinders and need to get a life". So here it goes:

1. It's too long. Again. I've got a life to be getting on with, you know.
2. There's a good minute of silence at the beginning.
3. The video doesn't go with the song. I used to listen to Alejandro and assume the video would be light-hearted and summery. I thought GaGa would have a sombrero on. I imagined maracas would play a large role in the video. Any video is greatly improved by the inclusion of maracas. This video features no maracas.
4. Christina Aguilera got torn a new one for copying off Madonna in the Not Myself Tonight video. I fear that Lady GaGa will just be called avant-garde and imaginative for this video, even though Madonna probably thought up most of it ten years ago before deciding the idea was tired and moved onto something else.

It's not just me who doesn't like the video, though. Katy Perry took to her Twitter this week to slag Lady GaGa off a little bit. What does she think of GaGa putting on a nun's habit and pretending to swallow a rosary?:

Goodness me, could it be Katy Perry has a religious conscience? Let's not forget, both of her parents are ministers, underneath all her girl-kissing and junkie-marrying she's bound to have strong views about blasphemy and the like. It's funny she should mention the word "cheap" in conjunction with a music video, as stills for the upcoming video of her new single California Gurls were released this week:


Oh dear me. That is...well that's a bra that shoots out cream isn't it?
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4. Lindsay Lohan is still a piss-head. (Holy Moly)

Shabby off Big Brother was up for the lead in The Parent Trap, you know? THIS COULD BE HER.

When I was 16 I was sitting an English Literature exam and my phone went off in the middle. I never told anybody it was my phone, and everybody in the hall was kept behind for 20 minutes and threatened with having their exam cancelled. I was too scared to say anything about it until this very moment because I was too embarrassed. It was my phone causing all that disruption, for Christ's sake. Something like this is bound to have happened to you to some point; phones going off in the cinema, digital watches beeping in lectures, a dose of the sneezes on public transport that just won't go away. My point is, we all endure similar embarrassment at one time or another.

Just ask Lindsay Lohan, for example. She was attending the MTV Movie Awards this week (exactly why she was there is a bit of a mystery as she is seemingly famous for being off her face on coke and not much else these days) in a hideous spangly number. When I first saw her sparkly jumpsuit my immediate response was that it would have worked much better as a dress. Then I realised that Lindsay wasn't trying to channel Dame Shirley Bassey or the finale number of Mamma Mia!, she just can't wear dresses at the moment. She has to keep her legs covered. Because the court is ordering her to wear an ankle bracelet to detect alcohol content in her blood. An ankle bracelet which doesn't go with anything at all.

Unfortunately for Lindsay, the bracelet kept going off at the ceremony. It seemed like, despite being on ice thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen during Lent, Lindsay decided to have a drink anyway. Then she decided to deny it. Then her representative said that, in fact, the bracelet had detected alcohol in her blood after all.

Oh. Dear. Me.

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5. Could it be Britney Spears is actually a massive perv? (The Sun)

Marry me, BritBrit

Ever since Papa Spears took over the reigns of her life, we haven't been seeing quite as much of Britney Spears's foof, so it's easy to forget that underneath it all she really enjoys having sex. Anyone who needs a reminder of this need look no further than the Gimme More video. It seems like her horny nature could be landing LaSpears in trouble, however, as an ex-bodyguard revealed this week that he is considering suing her for sexual harassment.

According to sources (as a journalism student I can tell you this is never a good way to start a sentence as this phrase is usually followed by a stream of utter bollocks) Britney made the bodyguard in question nervous by repeatedly calling him into her room where she would be walking around naked. Apparently this behaviour finally pushed him to quit his job this week, and he is now considering taking legal action against Britney.

Hilariously (if, like me, you have no conscience), a friend of Fernando Flores (the bodyguard in question) told reporters: "Working for Britney is tough. She runs around the house naked, yelling at her staff". Surely I can't be the only person who finds the image of a naked Britney Spears running around her house in the nude barking orders at people deliciously funny? Her overworked breasts jiggling about the place as she does a spring around her mansion hollering "Make me a sandwich, make me a sandwich" in her stunning accent. Admit it, you smirked. I'll see you in Hell.

And that's the end of that for another week, y'all.
Yee-haw!

2 comments:

  1. Hello Daniel, although I don't work behind the bar at Diva (bit far from Glagsow) but just thought I'd let you know I look forward to your posts too - you're a regular in my RSS! So yes, someone is reading your shite ;)

    And you're not wrong, Miley Virus is indeed a stupid fame hungry bell-end of enormous proportions. Or something.

    Congrats on the bf, hope it's all going well...
    Ian x

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  2. katy perry needs to look at herself in a fucking mirror. (and then dump russell brand because he's mine)

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