Friday, 4 June 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Since I started writing this blog never have I encountered a week in the world of celebrity news as slow as this week. Fair enough I may have been somewhat distracted this week by new developments in Daniel World, but that does not mean that I can't make the most of the shite hand I have been dealt by the world of the famous people in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. It turns out Simon Cowell is a nice man after all. (Perez Hilton)

What a sweetie.

We're all aware that far from being the Mr. Nasty character we seen on TV, Simon Cowell is actually a nice fella. He never dishes out criticism unfairly, he always has a nice smile for, you know, attractive contestants and every year he participates in American Idol Gives Back.

This week though it was revealed that at a benefit for children's cancer Simon was holding in his house, he disappeared for a while and returned- unbeknown to his guests- dressed as a clown in full makeup. The party guests had no idea the clown was actually Simon until he revealed himself (his identity, not his genitalia) to them all later on in the party. He then went on to raise $1million in aid of children's cancer!

And if that hasn't already melted your heart then you can also read this report over at Digital Spy which says that Simon Cowell found a mouse in his American Idol dressing room and rather than killing it like someone genuinely heartless like Piers Morgan or someone genuinely batty like Sharon Osbourne, Simon took the mouse home and raised it as his own. FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW CUTE IS THAT?????

2. Victoria Beckham has moved on from the Spice Girls. The other four have not. (3am)

From left to right: in ascending order of relevance...

Before I begin writing this, I'd like to say that literally AS I AM TYPING Victoria Beckham's actually very good single Let Your Head Go just came on Shuffle, as if to remind me that first and foremost Victoria Beckham is a proper popstar with proper songs about going out and having a good time and "letting one's head go".

There is only one Spice Girl who I think doesn't deserve a good shaking and that woman is Victoria Beckham because- while she is admittedly the most famous of the five- she is also the one who seems the least desperate for any fame she can get. It is almost as if desperation and fame are directly proportional to one another. For those of you who didn't know I did Maths A Level (I bloody well did, you know) here is a graph to illustrate my point:

Mrs. Moody taught me well, I tell you.

Anyway, ironically it was announced this week that the Spice Girls were planning on re-uniting (for, like, the millionth time) for another world tour but this time without their most famous, and least talented, member Victoria Beckham. Would anyone in 2010 be interested in seeing an incomplete line-up of Spice Girls? It's one thing going to see them in the early 2000s after Geri Haliwell quit, but really who wants to watch four past-it women mouthing along to hits from over 10 years ago? No one, that's who. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

3. Eminem has some new celebrity friends. (Digital Spy)

Nice stick.

I don't know about you, but I'd love to have sex with Eminem. It is definitely on my to-do list (or, more specifically, he is). And it looks like I could be one step closer to reaching my goal as details of Eminem's upcoming album Recovery were released this week and it was revealed he'd recorded a song with my doppleganger Rihanna. Surely she'd be up for some sort of Parent Trap-esque switchover where I get to spend the day with Eminem speaking in a Barbadian accent, while she gets to rock The Bank Bar with Carla.

It's not surprisingly that following the non-starter that was his Relapse album, Eminem is roping in people in top form in the world of hip-hop like Rihanna and Lil Wayne to raise interest in his latest release. More puzzingly still, Eminem has enlisted pop-punk princess P!nk to collaborate on one song from the album, which I'm sure will be kick-ass.

Eminem, if you are reading this then I propose we do it. Let me know :)

4. Jedward have what will no doubt be a horrendous single coming out. (Heatworld)

Preen all you want, boys, your hair is still fucking stupid.

Jedward took to their Twitter this week to make an announcement about their forthcoming debut single:

"That's nice," I thought. "They have a new single out, this will be make or break for them whether not they are massive losers or actually quite good, if not Autotuned-to-tell, popstars. At least they're not releasing a cover for their first proper single".

Then I had an awful realisation that their new single shared a name with a popular pop-punk (is pop-punk my hyphenated word of the day or something?) song by Blink-182 song I used to enjoy listening to in my youth, between tracks by Steps and S Club 7 of course. Then came this horrible announcement on their Twitter page:

And that is when the unsettling news set in. Jedward are covering a Blink-182 track. This will either be the worst thing to happen to both pop and rock music, or it will be alright at best. Either way I can predict the only way to stay sane this Summer will be to think positive and pretend that the musical equivalent of a botched abortion is not going on. I will keep you posted.

5. I give it six years before Miley Cyrus is sitting in a beauty salon, hair clippers in one hand, crack-pipe in the other. (MTV)

An over-sexed slag meets Samantha Jones...

Last night's Britain's Got Talent featured a much-hyped performance from Miley Cyrus, which saw her dressing up in a minging black leotard that even Madonna would turn her nose up at and performing her new song Can't Be Tamed which has all the subtlety of Chris Crocker's musical debut Mind In The Gutter to the extent where I wouldn't be surprised if he was receiving some sort of writer's credit for it. Have a look yourself if you like, or if you missed it like I did first time around:

The performance was also controversial because it saw her pretending to kiss a girl, and this is where I get pissed off. I'm usually the first to defend Miley Cyrus who I genuinely like, but pretending to kiss a girl is not cool. I get the feeling she's trying to generate the same sort of storm that Adam Lambert created with his same-sex kiss at the AMA awards, except that was totally different. For one thing, Adam is actually a gay man. He kisses men like that in his spare time, not for attention-seeking reasons but because that's what he's into. Another thing is that Miley Cyrus didn't actually kiss this girl, she just pretended to. She mimed it. I'm very interested in what Beth Ditto would have to say about Miley's prick-teasing girl-kissing considering she is an out lesbian in a relationship with a pre-op transsexual. My guess is that she is not a fan.

And that concludes this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Yee-haw, bitches!


  1. ..Oh my god i LOVE Simon Cowell now! I always liked him a lot, while he can be a bit overly nasty he is always fair. The thing that sealed it for me was that year on the X factor where he sent his own act home because he didn't believe they were talented enough to stay. Lot's of people were outraged because he was being disloyal but to me that was just proof that he really cared that the winner should deserve it, whether that meant any gain for him or not.

  2. I think Simon Cowell is only ever nasty to people who are wasting his time. For example I think if Susan Boyle wasnt able to sing I think Simon would have just said no and that would have been it, rather than tearing her a new one like he would to some 20-something up-themselves prick, you know what I mean? x