Friday, 21 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Celebrities are always doing things. Things over here. And things over there. The past seven days have been no exception. Famous people have been doing things left, right and centre. Here are just a selection of those things in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Kelis needs to get her head out of her own arse. (Rap-Up)

Her milkshake brings a few boys to the yard. The rest are at the Monster Ball.

"What on Earth is this?" my mam asked me. We were watching the video for the new Kelis song, her comeback single Acapella. Good song, shit video. "She's no Lady GaGa, is she?" was her next comment when she saw the extravagant outfits Kelis was wearing in the clip. And it was true, she did not look as good as Lady GaGa, or the amazing Rihanna for that matter. She just looked like Kelis in a dodgy outfit.

Bizarrely, though, Kelis reckons that it is Lady GaGa and Rihanna copying off her rather than the other way around. "I tried not to see it, but it's noticeable," Kelis told journalists this week, "I've been around for a long time...what else are they supposed to do?" Is she for real? She thinks that GaGa and RiRi are copying off her and is now giving them her blessing?? I think that Lady GaGa has accomplished more in her two year career than Kelis has in the last decade.

The most shocking thing of all though is the sheer hypocrisy of the whole thing, because Kelis's Acapella smacks completely of Björk's Earth Intruders doesn't it?:



In short, hush up.
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2. Twitter is sick of Justin Bieber. Silly Old Daniel loves him more and more each day. (Twitter)

If you ask me, Justin Bieber is sound. He is as sound as a pound.

When you go on Twitter, Justin Bieber is usually near the top of the Trending Topics. This is because thousands upon thousands of teenage girls are in love with him. They are constantly talking about him. And people are getting sick of it. There have already been attempts to keep Justin Bieber from the Trending Topics list by, basically, calling him a faggot. Twitter are heeding people's complaints and now have new Trending Topic rules and filters...which mean that Justin is no longer eligible to trend:

Luckily for him, his fans are fucking crazy very loyal and have found ways to slip through the cracks because, while "Justin" and "Bieber" now show up a red flag for trending topics down at Twitter HQ, "Bustin" and Jieber" do not:

And so, the moral of the story is: do not mess with Bieber fans. They'll scratch the eyes out of your head.

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3. Adam Lambert has unimpressive shoes, but makes up for it with a very impressive bulge. (Just Jared)

A jewish homosexual: Adam Lambert is Will and Grace combined.

The Adam Lambert UK trail is...well it's not going very well, is it? His single peaked at Number 37 in the UK Singles Chart, despite an interview on Jonathan Ross where he managed not to look like a dickhead. Let's keep in mind though that in the world of underground homosexuals, Adam Lambert is still a popular guy, and this week he was filming the video for his new single If I Had You produced by Max Martin who has basically written every good pre-GaGa pop song of the last ten years. Unfortunately, he's still embracing the 70s glam look and wearing some horrific platform shoes in the video:

Thankfully, one's eyes are immediately diverted away from the shoes as they move their vision upwards and set their gaze upon his crotch. What an impressive bulge. Fantastic.
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4. Rachel Stevens needs to put something on the end of it. (Digital Spy)

Here lies the career of the most under-rated singer of the 00s.

You probably don't like or appreciate Rachel Stevens as much as I do. But this year was meant to be her comeback to pop music. Xenomania were meant to rescue her from obscurity and fill in the void Girls Aloud may never fill again. But no. It was announced this week that Rachel Stevens is pregnant.

When first I read this news I was disappointed. For me this meant the end for Rachel Stevens as we know her. It has been, like, six years since she had an album out and her album is really very good. But then I remembered, she will have that baby and get a full spread in OK! magazine. People will like her again. Let's not forget that when Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Britney Spears had babies, they came back with Catch You and Gimme More respectively, and neither of those songs are shit. So maybe having a baby could be the best thing that ever happened to Rachel's career.

And for those of you reading this and thinking that Rachel Stevens doesn't matter, I implore you to watch this video of her mucking about in the Bad Girls prison and not be totally won over:


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5. The last ever Big Brother eye is here. (The Sun)

Ugly.

It's just under a month until the last ever series of Big Brother is upon us. I bloody love Big Brother. It is incredible. I will throw up my hands and say that in recent years it has become the human freak show, full of oddballs and lasses with big tits trying to achieve their lifelong dream of someone seeing their picture in Zoo magazine and ending up with the pages stuck together.

But Big Brother started it all. Without Big Brother there would be no reality TV. You can be pious and shake your head and think to yourself "would that really be such a bad thing?", but you know as well as I do that reality TV has shaped our great nation for the past 10 years. And Channel 4 revealed the last ever Big Brother eye today, and I have to say that it is bloody hideous. I'm hoping that when it is fully animated it will not be quite so garish. They've also started airing teaser trailers such as this work of art:



How can anyone watch that and not look forward to a Summer full of nutjobs, pretentious art students, flamboyant gay men, orange girls with fake tits, confused ex-asylum seekers and sexually ambiguous weirdos? You can call Big Brother a tired format, say it's had its day, say that it has tainted our society and put wrong ideas of celebrity into the minds of people who are too fragile to handle it. But today as I look at the last ever Big Brother eye I am proud to throw up my hands, as a Big Brother fan, and say BIG BROTHER I WILL MISS YOU!


And that ends today's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-fucking-haw!

4 comments:

  1. HAHA I've never seen that Rachel Stevens video before! Bad Girls is quite possibly my favourite show of all time :) xoxo

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  2. We were just talking about Bad Girls the other day, Catherine was saying that she'd never do shrooms because of that episode of Bad Girls. I was always more of a Footballers' Wives man myself :p

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  3. Oh my God Rachel Stevens flashback - haven't seen that video in donkeys years!

    Enjoyed your Celebrity Roundup - as usual :)

    www.heart-shaped-bruise.blogspot.com

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  4. I'm so excited for the last ever Big Brother!
    It better be a good one!

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