Friday, 14 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

It's Friday, folks! And another seven days' worth of celebrity gossip is just waiting to have the piss ripped out of it in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup (as a special treat at the request of a certain Miss Gatens, this entire blog contains no reference to Lady GaGa, apart from just mentioning her there)...

1. Jedward need to stop hounding Adam Lambert. (Twitter)

Be honest. You would.

This week over Twitter, Jedward started what can only be described as a stalking tirade against Adam Lambert. It all started when the Attitude Anniversary Party took place, which was essentially a wet dream for Z-list celebrities everywhere. Anyone who's not anyone was there; Louie Spence, Paloma Faith and Lee Ryan were all there. Basically, anyone likely to appear on a new series of The Charlotte Church Show. Either way Adam Lambert and Jedward were both there so they got a photo together. This is what famous people do at parties, they get photos together. Lovely.

You'd think that would be that, wouldn't you? But no. Not for Jedward. The most persistent Tweeters since, well, since I got Twitter really. Unfortunately for Adam Lambert, this sort of thing started:
Nice. What? There's more? Oh well, let's have a look.

Oh right. Anything else?

Oh. Well I suppose you're done now..?

Oh. You're not. This has to stop. Speaking of Jedward and Twitter, one of them posted a nipple shot on Twitter this week. They then re-linked the picture at three separate occasions over the course of the week. I don't know which one of them it is but let's have a look, shall we?

Well, I now have what I believe is called a "semi". What's next, eh?

2. Rihanna fell over this week so she went out and got pissed. Good on her. (Holy Moly)

Shut Up And Drink.

We've all tumbled over when we're on our own, haven't we? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and pray no one saw. Unfortunately when you're Rihanna you don't really have a choice on whether or not anyone saw you, because you're doing it in an arena full of people with camera phones. Let's watch, shall we?

Unfortunately for Rihanna, that wasn't her only fall this week. Let's continue to watch, shall we?

What a daft bitch. Hope she isn't bruised, she's had quite enough o--(EXCEPT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT FUNNY SO THAT JOKE ENDS THERE, DOESN'T IT?) So anyway, while she's on tour, Rihanna is letting her (fabulous) hair down and getting absolute off her box at the best clubs the UK has to offer.

Look at that! Her rum has its own seat in the car! Brilliant. I pray that Rihanna going out after all of her concerts means I'll be seeing her at Powerhouse on Monday night. Secretly, though, I hope the exact opposite because if I actually met Rihanna after her concert I would probably shit myself to death through excitement and there is literally nothing glamorous about that. MOVING ON...

3. Cosmopolitan pick a girl off the street for their next cover. (Facebook)

Everyone's fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud (fuck you, Nadine!)

OK, she's not quite a girl off the street she's Kimberley Walsh, you know, the one off Girls Aloud who doesn't smell of sick (EXCEPT THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT EATING DISORDERS AND THIS BLOG SO FAR HAS BEEN UTTERLY TASTELESS). Seriously though, folks-- Kimberley Walsh?? Was every other woman and effeminate-looking man in the world busy or something?

Within the interview Kimberley revealed in the interview that she has drifted apart from bandmate Nadine Coyle since her move to LA (decoded: I will mention Nadine Coyle and be in the papers) but is still close friends with Cheryl Cole (decoded: I will mention Cheryl Cole and be in the papers). She also revealed that her year out from Girls Aloud has been great as she has been able "to do my own thing". Exactly what "her own thing" is is not made clear in the interview, although one can assume that Kimberley's washing will not do itself, and if that's what she wants to describe as doing her own thing then good on her.

4. M.I.A. continues to shoot her mouth off. (NME)


I'm a little surprised to be mentioning M.I.A. again, but she has been slagging my boy Justin Bieber off this week and I really do not care for that at all. Now then, Justin Bieber is not for everybody. His voice makes him sound a lot like, you know, a woman and some people don't like to listen to men who sound like women. They'd rather know explicitly the gender of the singer they're listening to without having to rely on a music video to let them know. I cannot fault these people, they are entitled to their opinion. Apparently M.I.A. is one of these people.

You may remember the last time I was slagging M.I.A. off, it was in response to an unprovoked laying into of Lady GaGa (I mentioned her once, Gatens, it is allowed :p) she did in an interview with NME magazine which I found unfairly critical. And it seems that she has not yet learned to shut her trap. When asked about her recent controversial music video, which features frontal nudity, drug abuse and a ten-year-old boy being shot point blank in the head she said, because she is so witty it genuinely hurts, "I find the new Justin Bieber video more violent and more of an assault to my eyes and senses than what I've made".

Now, if you read over recent entries from this blog you'd be forgiven for thinking that I fucking hated M.I.A. and bloody loved Justin Bieber. In actual fact, I couldn't give a shite about either of them. It just seems to me that when a 34-year-old mother who should really know better is bitching about a 16-year-old boy who got lucky and calling him "an assault to her senses", someone should really say something. May I also add she was not asked "What do you think of Justin Bieber?" She was not asked "What do you think of the pop music scene at the moment?" She was not asked "What do you think of the tween music genre?" She was asked about her own video, which she took as a cue to have a go at someone else. Well done M.I.A. That was both big and, indeed, clever.

Now, this is all rather awkward, because I now have to get off my "it's not nice to slag people off" high horse and say:

5. Kylie Minogue is starting to look like a balloon stretched over a clenched fist. (Metro)

Put it away, pet. You are not Madonna by any stretch of the imagination.

Fathers of gay teenagers everywhere (and by everywhere I mean the UK and Australia) can breathe a sigh of relief, Kylie Minogue has her arse out in her new video.

She was caught on camera filming the clip for her new single All The Lovers which was released to radio today (right, I'm writing this on Thursday night if I'm honest so if you want to hear it you can bloody well find it on YouTube yourself, I've already shown you Rihanna falling on her arse twice, what more do you want from me), but aside from her racy outfit something else was brought to the media's attention from the photos.

From the looks of things, it seems that Kylie has been raiding her sister's medicine cabinet for a certain syringe-induced toxin-- shall we have a closer look?

It's happened, folks. Princess Kylie has been stuffing her face with botox. Unfortunately I posted this immediately after slagging M.I.A. off for being unnecessarily cruel, so I'm now going to have to remind everyone that I really like The One and I really like Love At First Sight and Come Into My World is canny good as well. There, enough of that. I'm happy to see Kylie filling her face with chemicals because she's constantly thought of as this beautiful, dainty woman who cannot do anything wrong even though more often than not she's dressed like a slag singing some little ditty that would be just as powerful were it being performed by Rachel Stevens. So yes. Kylie Minogue is less than perfect. Why does glorifying this news make me happy? Am I becoming one of the heartless journalist-types I said I wasn't going to become? Yes. Yes I am. Meh. So be it.

EDIT: OK I have to post the new Kylie single that she's pumped herself full of botox for, because it is the best song that I have heard in 2010 so far. It is absolutely incredible. Incredible incredible incredible. Here is is:

If you didn't enjoy that song within the first ten seconds (it took me seven seconds before I was on Twitter declaring it was amazing) then there must be something wrong with you. Or you're straight (which, in my opinion, is the same thing). WELL BLOODY DONE KYLIE MINOGUE.

And so ends yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee-haw, bitches!


  1. Have you seen Rachel Stevens in the Braun advert???? Is that her big comeback of the year???

  2. I sincerely hope not. She does have lovely legs though hahaha

  3. Yes! Finally, someone overseas has remembered that Australia exists! lol

    But even with the botox, Kylie Minogue still looks fab :)

  4. I actually laughed out loud at the Girls Aloud bit! I was worried you'd say Nicola was the minger, but I agree that Kimberley's plain. Would have been nice to mention about Nadine fecking off to LA, causing the rift! :L