Friday, 7 May 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


Before I get on with the usual Friday business, I'd just like to say that this election has gone completely arse over tit, I have no idea what a hung parliament is and, aside from the giggles coming out of me every time someone says "hung parliament" I will be spending the next four political years with this expression on my face. Never mind, eh?

Friday is here, and as you are well aware that means it's time to look back over the past seven days of celebrity gossip through the bitchiest eyes in the North East IF NOT THE MOFO WORLD in what can only be described as the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. This week all of the stories include either Justin Bieber or Lady GaGa. Welcome to 2010, folks...

1. Justin Bieber is a raging idiot (actually it turns out he's not, but I'll not spoil the ending for you). (Fox 411)

I can tell you now that he is not listening to "German For Beginners".

Justin Bieber is all over the place at the minute, because he is a massive star. Cameras constantly shoved in his face. Unfortunately, this generally means that every ridiculous remark he makes is captured on film and in this digital age we live in it can all be sent around the interweb and mocked by millions worldwide. This was the case this week when he was at an interview in New Zealand answering questions that had been sent in by fans. Someone asked if he knew the German translation of his name and he replied that he had no idea what German was. Apparently "we don't say that in America". HAVE A BLOODY WATCH OF THIS VIDEO, EH?:



However, much as it would be nice to believe that Justin Bieber is a massive idiot and everyone to go up in arms about it, he posted this video on his Twitter wherein he does speak a bit of cheeky German, so perhaps he is not the raving pile of stupidity everyone would like to believe:



In my research for these Justin Bieber videos, I also found this video, which has made me realise that I love love love Justin Bieber like the kid brother I never had:



Lovely.

2. Right, so did Lady GaGa hack off her leg or not? (Gather)

Just Hop.

Lady GaGa went on American Idol to promote her new single Alejandro this week, and Little Monsters everywhere were up in arms when the performance was cut short by almost two minutes due to time restraints. Personally I found the whole performance a bit "meh", which I was chastised for on Twitter, so you can judge it for yourself here:



Anyway, reports were circulating around the usual rumour mills this week that Lady GaGa had one of her legs amputated in the name of fashion for the upcoming Alejandro music video. Of course, as you can see, both of her legs are intact in the video which pretty much proves these rumours wrong, but since I saw the rumour last weekend I thought "christ this will be perfect for the celebrity roundup, think of the jokes". As it happens, I can't think of any. And so, to sum up, Lady GaGa has two legs. People suspected she'd had one removed. She hadn't. On life rolls.

3. Britney leaks, but not like that. (Teen Today)

You're not gonna reach her telephone.

The story goes that Lady GaGa originally wrote Telephone for Britney Spears, back when she was still Stefani Germanotta, for her Circus album. Britney recorded a demo but in the end decided not to include it on the album, opting instead for modern classics like My Baby instead. GaGa was gutted because she loved the song, so when she decided to include it on The Fame Monster she gave Britney's people a ring to see if Britney wanted to do it as a duet. By this time Stefani Germanotta was dead and buried, of course, and the world was completely in love with Lady GaGa, so Britney's people said a resounding yes but only if it could be the lead single from The Singles Collection rather than The Fame Monster. GaGa said no, Britney recorded 3 instead and Beyoncé got to ride around in a big truck while the world's biggest popstar took Polaroid photos of her. Everyone's a winner. Except Britney Spears, of course, who hasn't had a UK number one since Everytime, and that was about six years ago.

Rather embarrassingly (although it seems it's only me who thinks this, as everyone on Twitter is hailing it as a musical masterpiece), Britney's version of Telephone leaked online this week. Personally I think it is very much a "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain" moment where we're all accidentally flashed a glimpse of what could have been, and the whole world can see quite how much Britney Spears dropped a bollock in turning down such a good song. Anyway have a listen. Let me know what you think. Or don't. I'm not bothered if I'm honest. It won't embed because YouTube is a raging bastard, but you can click here and listen to it on Perez Hilton's blog. Do that, it is worth a listen.

4. El Biebero hits puberty. Pervy gay men everywhere breathe a sigh of relief. (Perez Hilton)

My kid brother.

It looks like it's time for someone to sit Justin Bieber down and have a word about his changing body. You know how it is when you're 16. Your hormones are raging all over the shot, everyday brings a new cluster of acne and you can't go a solid hour and a half without touching yourself. Or was that just me?

Either way, reports came out this week that Justin Bieber's puberty is causing problems with his performances and he can no longer hit some of the high notes in his (immaculate) hit single Baby. However he claims it's all under control thanks to "the best vocal coach in the world". No offence, folks, but the lad is 16 years old, surely worrying about his voice breaking should be a thing of the past. Even I'd reached that stage at age 16 and I'm what's known as a "screecher". I think someone needs to tuck him in and read him Hair In Funny Places at some point in the near future...

5. I wonder what planet Lee Ryan lives on. I CAN TELL YOU NOW IT IS NOT EARTH. (Digital Spy)

Nice arse.

Lee Ryan is something of a loveable dickhead. Every time he says or does something ridiculous and you think to yourself "what a dickhead", you can't help but smile to yourself knowing fine well that it's Lee Ryan and thus it's sort of alright. A few weeks ago I read the funniest piece of journalism I have ever encountered (excluding, of course, the Popjustice review of the awful Eoghan Quigg album) over at Holy Moly where Lee Ryan tried to tempt Tom Cruise to have a look at a film that he has written about ritalin over Twitter. Beautiful.

Just when it seemed like he couldn't get any more deluded, Lee Ryan revealed to journalists this week that he is dying for a Lady GaGa collaboration. In the past, GaGa has collaborated with Beyoncé, Flo Rida and Elton John, so it was truly only a matter of time before she turned to the real musical greats, like Lee Ryan. I only hope that he doesn't out-dress her, as he is so fashion-forward. (Seriously though, all jokes aside, Lee Ryan is very, very talented and even though given the chance to do seven of the eight combined members of JLS and Blue he is probably the one I would leave on the bench, I still definitely would given the chance).

And that's that for another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Yee-haw, bitches!

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