Friday, 30 April 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Celebrities have spent the past seven days doing things. Lindsay Lohan has been sacked (again!), Madonna has had a number one album without lifting a finger and Alexandra Burke has a new video. However, I'm not going to talk about any of those things in this week's Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Britters conceals her titters. (Perez Hilton)

If you liked it then you should have put a bra on it.

It's a hard life being Britney Spears. Record labels control what she sings, stylists control what she puts on and her father controls everything else. It seems the only thing she can control is what she pulls out of her underwear drawer. Unfortunately for BritBrit, it looks like she's even had that right stripped away from her.

We all know that when the paparazzi catch Britney Spears, it's not usually at her best. Daddy Spears has noticed that in recent times, Britney's been looking a bit more free and loose than usual, and according to reports has imposed a new rule that says that Britney Spears is no longer allowed to leave the house without a bra on for fear of tarring her image. Excuse me? I think that Britney's image went down the pan when she dropped her baby and got carried off in a stretcher, it's a bit late to save America's sweetheart from the perils of fame. Seriously though, once you've seen someone's gash there's only so shocked you can be by them. I for one say that if Britney wants to "free the Kentwood Two" then that should be her decision.

Apparently, though Jamie Spears would disagree with me, and is forcing her bodyguards to make sure that his daughter is wearing a bra at all times. As if her bodyguards haven't got enough on their plates keeping Chris Crocker and Sam Lufti away, now they have to check that Britney's got the girls in their hammocks as well? Dearie me.

2. The Bieber ain't getting no beaver. (MTV)

Bless, he's like a little koala, innhe?

If you go on Twitter right now then I can more or less guarantee that Justin Bieber is trending. He's fucking massive. Which is ironic because he's tiny. Bless him he's had more fame in 12 months than most people have had in their whole lives and he looks like he's going to deliver your paper, worry about his SATS exams or finger your little sister behind a bike shed.

Despite aforementioned fingering behind a bike shed, Little Justin isn't getting anything. He told journalists this week that he's single and not looking. He's in Japan at the minute and during an interview he was asked if there was a special lady in his life, though he insisted that at the minute his heart belongs to the music.

"I travel a lot so it would be difficult. Maybe in the future," he said. Now, this next bit is just for the boys. Cast your mind back to being 16. I'm sure you remember that life at that age is essentially a tesosterone-driven quest to get laid as many times as possible in an American Pie-esque mission for as many sexual conquests as possible. Obviously some of us are more successful at this than others. But to me a 16 year old who could have his pick of the (excuse me) pussy and isn't taking advantage of this implies only one thing. A raving homo. Mark my words, folks.

I must admit, when I first saw Justin Bieber I was repulsed that anyone outside of a secondary school could find him attractive, until recently when I decided perhaps he was quite cute. That is, until Teen Today posted this image of him running around the beach and looking like someone who should probably be at home revising his times tables...

Come along now. Even Gary Glitter would turn his nose up at that. Too far? Yes you're right. There's nothing funny about paedophillia is there? Moving on...

3. Peter Andre reminds us that he is, in fact, a massive douche. (Digital Spy)

What a dick.

If you've read the blog before, you're probably aware that I think Peter Andre is a massive, massive twat. Of epic proportions. Unfortunately, it seems that people like him for reasons which are completely unknown to me. This week though, Peter Andre further proved himself to be an absolute dickhead by completely showing himself up.

Things started innocently enough, with Pete telling reporters that he'd recently turned down a position on the judging panel of The X Factor in Australia. He's obviously been following Boy George's tips on how to get into the headlines by mentioning certain topics. According to Pete though, he is simply too busy being a doting father to take up such a demanding position.

"What a noble man he is, giving up his career to look after Junior and Princess. What a martyr. And to think he's giving all that up while Katie Price flings herself about left, right and centre for work-- marrying people at the drop of a hat and having a career. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!"

Hold your horses there, Team Andre (or as they should really be known Team "Women-Get-Back-In-The-Kitchen-Ooh-Peter-Andre-Has-A-Nice-Body-But-I-Can't-Look-At-It-Now-Because-Dancing-On-Ice-Or-Hollyoaks-Or-Something-Is-On"). It turns out that Peter Andre is a bloody big liar. A spokesperson for Simon Cowell's production company claims that "Peter has never been offered any role on X Factor in any country".

Ouch. Mega cringe.

4. M.I.A.'s video is awfully good but you can't watch it on YouTube for some reason or another. (NME)

You do know it, man. It was on the advert for Slumdog Millionaire. Aye, that one.

A few weeks ago I mentioned M.I.A. on my blog because she had been slagging my girl Lady GaGa off and calling her a copycat which I'm sure you'll remember I didn't take kindly to. Before I get on with today's task at hand, I would first of all like to apologise to M.I.A. because I had forgotten all about this which is essentially Lady GaGa "doing" an M.I.A. song. Only about 7 people actually bought the song though, so it can't really be attributed to the massive sucess story that is Lady GaGa. And that, as they say, is that. (ps. Anyone who believes anything about anyone in the industry being a "real artist" with "integrity" or any of that bullshit needs to read this rather fantastic blog over at Shiny And New, a favourite pop music blog of mine)

Meanwhile, shockingly M.I.A. is back on the Celebrity Roundup and this time I am not slagging her off on behalf of pop divas everywhere. Her new video (you can watch it by clicking the NME link above) premiered online this week and it caused quite the stir because it was bloody violent and not in an "oh my goodness she's running around a diner and poisoning people" sort of way, more in a "bloody hell this is a bit much there's people being massacred all over the shop".

You see the video for Born Free is a pretty disturbing affair which sees a whole host of ginger people being rounded up by law enforcement officers and treated like prisoners of war. A description like that makes it sound like a big joke that Catherine Tate would approve of, but instead it's a heavy, political video with a proper message and everything. Catherine Tate would probably still approve of it, mind you.

Unlike the comedy genius that is Catherine Tate, YouTube did not approve of the video which sees ginger adolescents forced to run through a mine-field and total nudity, and promptly removed it from the site. Apparently they don't tolerate pornography or "gratuitous violence" which, to be honest, I find utter bollocks when you consider that about 50% of the comments you read on people's videos are utter homophobic bile which no one seems to care about fixing.

M.I.A. herself has not commented on the whole debacle, but then again she is a busy woman. Lady GaGa won't slag herself off, you know...

5. Christina Aguilera clearly thinks we're all idiots and is stealing everyone's ideas and hoping we won't notice. (Daily Mail)

Christina Aguilera can royally fuck off if you ask me.

All week Christina Aguilera has been previewing stills from her new video Not Myself Tonight and this evening the finished product will be shown. On my Twitter I've been less than kind about Xtina because it has emerged this week that she has no ideas of her own. I've banged on and on for about a year now about how Christina's most recent incarnation absolutely smacks of Lady GaGa (Christina herself said in an interview that the Lady GaGa comparisons weren't worth "wasting my breathe" over because she's been in the biz for ten years now and "my work speaks for itself". What a load of shite). Let's have a look for ourselves shall we? It seems it's not just GaGa that Christina is schtealing ideas from these days...

EXHIBIT A- OK, so perhaps this comparison is clutching at straws somewhat. After all nudity isn't exactly an idea that Britney Spears thought up herself especially for the Toxic video, is it? The gold jewels all over her body are something to consider, but I think we can pretty much let Christina get away with this one just this one time. After all, Britney based her entire world tour around one of Christina's music videos, we can let this one slide I reckon.

EXHIBIT B- Twenty years ago, Madonna broke records with her video for Express Yourself which as, at the time, the most expensive music video ever made. It saw Madonna at the head of a society where buff men worked all day...or something... OK so I admit I'm not quite sure what happens in the video for Express Yourself because the sweaty half-naked men are something of a distraction for me. Maddy knows what the gays wanna see. Either way, the video was, according to Madonna herself, "about how pussy rules the world" which is why Madonna got on all fours and drank milk from a bowl like...well, like a pussy(cat). It looks like Christina is doing the same thing in the Not Myself Tonight clip. I must admit, Christina has admitted to being a massive Madonna fan (she even kissed her once, though you probably don't even remember Christina being there she's so insignificant) so perhaps it's more an homage than a stolen idea, although it's a pretty obscure reference to randomly include. A little too obscure if you ask me...

EXHIBIT C- Aaaand it's time to crack open the GaGa file again. This is the one that pisses me off the most, because Christina obviously thinks we're all idiots. She thinks we don't read the papers or watch the news or even go online. She apparently thinks that in the wait for her upcoming album we've been playing dominos and sitting around touching ourselves without much consideration for the outside world. No, sweetheart. A new popstar came around in your absence and we like her a lot more than you. We know you like her as well, why else would you steal so many of her ideas?

Unfortunately, in Christina's head Lady GaGa is still a relative newcomer. She doesn't see the number 1 hits or the sell-out tours, she just sees the fact that she was there first and therefore it's perfectly acceptable to nick GaGa's ideas. Well, it's not. When Lady GaGa went to a press conference in a gimp mask it was pretty much the moment the world realised something extraordinary had been found in GaGa. It was also the moment that Lady GaGa claimed the gimp mask as her own. And so, Christina, you can take your music video and stick it, because in a few months Lady GaGa is going to release Alejandro which is going to wipe the floor with your idea-stealing effort.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup
Yee and, indeed, haw!