Thursday, 15 April 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well do you know what? We are here on yet another Friday and as you well know, that means it is time to have a look back over the past seven days of celebrity gossip, slagging off everything as we go in the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Britney Spears is not perfect and is not afraid to show us. (Daily Mail)

Britney Spears is so much better than you. You should be ashamed.

Britney Spears is absolutely stunning. I know this and you know this, she has to be because with her complete lack of talent she needs something to be able to survive in this cruel business we call show. Sad but true.

Forever ago, Britney did a campaign in America for a brand named Candies. I don't know what Candies actually make, but I do know that back in the day Carrie Bradshaw wore Candies, because Stanford says to her "You wore pink suede Candies and I loved you anyway". Lovely. Anyway, this photo shoot she did was heavily criticised because everyone was going on and on about how airbrushed Britney was. First she'd conned the world with her mastermind miming (not really, obviously- her miming isn't fooling anyone, anyone who is genuinely deceived by the miming that Britney Spears puts forward should be killed), now it seemed she was being airbrushed into next week. Thing is, though, Britney wasn't happy with this particular criticism because as it seems, she was not even that airbrushed. LET'S HAVE A PEEK SHALL WE, FOLKS?:

All that money spent on airbrushing Britney Spears and she couldn't even be arsed to wash her rancid weave before the photoshoot? HER LAZINESS MAKES ME SICK. Nar man. Seriously, though, folks, Britney is just like you and she is still beautiful and so are you, so next time you look at a celebrity's legs and think "bloody 'ell, why don't my legs look like that I'M NOT EATING THIS WEEK" have a word with yourself because unfortunately you don't have someone who will walk around airbrushing you in your day to day life. Britney is beautiful and so are you. She is a real human being and real human beings are beautiful. Good for you, Britney, I bet you've made a lot of people feel good about themselves.

I just hope this doesn't inspire her to start releasing her un-AutoTuned vocals...

2. Leona Lewis is not having you calling her boring anymore. (MTV)

Leona is so interesting my eyes have fizzled in my head.

If you don't think Leona Lewis is boring that's because you, yourself, are boring. She is a very talented lady and I'm sure she's a lovely girl. Some dickhead knocked seven bells out of her at a book signing once which is no good at all, but she is dull as dishwater and there is no use pretending that she isn't. Dull dull dull. For a while she had the advantage of being the only successful X Factor winner, but then Alexandra Burke kicked her arse by winning X Factor and being interesting, so now she really has nothing.

Apparently, Leona is planning a whole new image change to follow in the footsteps of Rihanna and Lady GaGa. A source says she's tired of being the "good girl" (Translation: "tedious bore") and wants to evolve both "her look and her music" (Translation: "More colour and less choirs). I think Leona needs a reality check, what she's doing at the minute is fine and she's going to confuse a lot of people if she starts dressing like GaGa...

Oh christ. It's started.

3. The people of Birmingham do not exactly dig Whitney Houston. (Digital Spy)

What! A! Waste!

Whitney Houston started the UK leg of her world tour in Birmingham this week, and it would be an understatement to say that reviews were mixed. Despite praise from hardcore fans, Tweets people posted from the night had a different story to tell. At one point during a costume change Whitney went offstage while her brother (???) performed a number, followed by a video interlude. This was not a new video, it was just a music video played to pass the time while she took all year getting changed.

Naturally, the crowd started to grow impatient and Dean Piper of the Mirror posted this on his Twitter:

When she returned to the stage, Whitney started to perform an acoustic medley of four of her songs. The crowd were once again not impressed with this and that is when this unfortunate event occured:

That's right, Whitney changed her set in the middle of the show. She's Whitney Houston, you see, and she can do these things if she wants to. Finally, with all of these delightful cockups, Whitney finished the show like this...

Ouchie. My final point is that last Monday, the lovely Carla and I went for a trip to the lovely Newcastle gay scene, and on our taxi ride home the drive popped on Whitney's Greatest Hits and skipped ahead to I Wanna Dance With Somebody after I mentioned it was my favourite song. We sang it all the way through and, let me tell you, it was not good. But even Carla and I in a taxi could put on a performance better than this...

4. SuBo wants GaGa. (Perez Hilton)

I knew you'd take all my honey, you selfish motherfucker.

It's happened to us all at some point or another, hasn't it? "Yeah, of course you can come, of course!" You know they can't, but it's just good manners to invite them even though you know in your heart that their presence will ruin everything. Lady GaGa is experiencing this for herself, last December she was quoted as saying "I don't know if we [Susan Boyle and I] could work together, but never say never. It would be great to work with somebody of that talent". She said it, she probably forgot about it and that was that. Two of the biggest names in the world could finally share a headline, it was a celebrity journalist's wet dream. Delightful.

This week, though, it all came back to bite GaGa right on her fantastic arse as Susan Boyle revealed herself as a Lady GaGa fan. "I'd love a duet with her, complete with a telephone hat", she told journalists earlier in the week. Can you imagine if GaGa had got Susan Boyle in on Telephone instead of Beyoncé? SuBo driving along in the Pussy Wagon and saying, in her cute Scottish twang, "You know GaGa, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see the cracks in that motherfucker's reflection". It's the stuff dreams are made of.

5. Boy George isn't dead yet, folks. (Digital Spy)

His career is as thriving as his makeup is tasteful, Boy George ladies and gentlemen...

If you were in PR and your client had just got out of prison, you know you'd have a lot of hard work ahead of you. You'd also have a list of key words to use in interviews to get them column inches. Words like "Lady GaGa", "Adam Lambert" and "The X Factor" for example. This week, Boy George put himself out there and told journalists that he'd love to be an X Factor judge.

"There was talk of me doing it last year," he told Now magazine. I wonder who this talk was actually between. Boy George and his cell mate perhaps? He went on to say that although Simon Cowell makes him laugh with his comments, "some of it's really cruel and I don't know if I'd want to be a part of that". Now while I agree that Simon Cowell can be a little harsh at times, I don't believe he ever held a rent boy against his will in his flat, so it's something of a double standard on Boy George's part. Could you imagine Boy George on the panel, though. If you ask me, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are two talentless judges too many without adding another has-been to the equation...

And that, folks, was the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

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