Friday, 9 April 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Well, I am officially 19 years old, putting the old into Silly Old Daniel. And so, before Alzheimer's deletes the whole thing from my memory, let's reflect on the past week of celebrity news...

1. Good news everyone, breast cancer has essentially been cured. (Digital Spy)

Nice tan, pet.

As if being the least talented member of Steps wasn't enough of a contribution to society, Lisa Scott-Lee now looks set to take on breast cancer head on with her new strictly A-list charity single.

Following the success of Helping Haiti- which featured some of the biggest stars in the world including Cheryl Cole, Susan Boyle and Alexandra Burke- stars including The Cheeky Girls, Liz McClarnon and (of course) Caroline Quentin have all contributed vocals alongside Lisa in a cover of Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun to launch this year's Race For Life. The whole thing is being organised by Sonique who is currently being treated for breast cancer. This sad fact makes slagging off the fact that everyone involved in the song is a complete loser unnecessarily harsh, really, doesn't it? Don't judge me, though. It is my birthday after all.

My original plan was to post the video of the moment on Totally Scott-Lee when she found out that her single hadn't made the Top Ten so we could all have a good laugh at her expense, but instead all I found was this truly harrowing clip of her appearing on Star Psychic talking to her dead grandfather, so now I feel even worse than I did before. Jesus. Well...moving on, eh?

2. Frankie off The Saturdays hasn't been shagging Ashley Cole. Neither have I. Have you? (MTV)

Frankie Sandford. What a slag, eh?

They might dress like slags in videos for charity singles, but The Saturdays won't go around just shagging anyone that catches their eye, you know! The Sun were very naughty this week and published a story implying that Frankie Sandford had been sitting on the face of that naughty Ashley Cole. Let me tell you, she wasn't very happy about that at all, and put this on her Twitter:

Naughty Sun! She hasn't even met that naughty man! And you're saying that he's put his willy inside of her!!! Her record label, meanwhile, are going to take legal action! Hasn't The Sun been naughty, eh? The Saturdays are really pulling out all the stops to show us that they don't want Girls Aloud's sloppy seconds (unless, obviously, you're talking about discarded songs that didn't make their album, which they are definitely willing to grab with both hands, much in the same way that Frankie would grab Ashely Cole's genitals if she had slept with him which she definitely hasn't because she hasn't even met him, you silly billy!).

3. Madonna wants to dance with YOU! (The Sun)

Madonna is incredible and if you disagree then you are WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we're playing The Honesty Game here (and we're all grownups living in the complicated time of 2010 so The Honesty Game is as good an idea as any, if you ask me) Madonna is probably more famous these days for flashing her cooch about the place and nicking babies out of orphanages (because she is soooo selfish, that heartless bitch) than she is for making music.

Back in the day, though, she was a singer and she went on tours and people enjoyed them. One time she pretended to flick her bean on the stage and everyone thought it was mint. This other time she pretended to crucify herself, but less people thought that was mint, except the gays who all thought it was fantastic, because the cross she was on was shiny.

Well, good news for those aforementioned gays. Madonna is showing up in clubs across the UK, scouting for talent for an upcoming tour she has brewing. An earlier stint across clubs in New York proved really successful, and now she's going all over the place looking for backup dancers for an eagerly anticipated (again, by gays and relatives of gays) world tour.

This news is especially exciting, as the chances are that if you know me very well at all you're off to Powerhouse with me this evening. Let this story act as a warning-- you never know when Madonna is going to spring up out of nowhere and drag you on tour with her. Of course, the last time I was at Powerhouse I slid down a pillar and was too drunk to get back up again without assistance from Catherine, so the chances of me being hand-picked are probably as slim as the chances of Madonna actually popping up at Powerhouse in the first place. Shame :(

4. Peter Andre can fuck right off. (Digital Spy)

Waiter, there's a dickhead in my soup.

Have you always wanted a book containing pictures of Peter Andre clutching his infant children to his bare chest in a tired and clichéd manner? Well, you're in luck. Not content with the idea that his 15 minutes are well and truly up, Peter "Dickhead" Andre as he will henceforth be known on this blog revealed to journalists this week that he has plans to release a candid picture book containing photos of him on tour and with his children.

I don't agree with taking sides in divorces. A marriage has ended and it is sad. But how can anyone in the world still be a member of "Team Peter" in this day and age? As if that awful OK! cover wasn't bad enough, he's now willing to publish intimate photos of he and his children, making money off their backs in the exact same way that Katie Price is constantly criticised for.

All aboard the hypocrisy train! Destination: D-List! Choo choo!!!

Apparently he was approached to do a follow-up to his totally uninteresting autobiography, but "it wasn't the right time" and instead he opted to do the photo book. It's "not the right time" because Peter still hasn't told us exactly why he left Katie Price in the first place, because he's keeping that info to himself until he really needs the attention, and that's when he'll tell the world. You mark my words. What a vile man.

5. M.I.A. wants to shut her fucking mouth if you ask me. (Perez Hilton)


Writing that Peter Andre story has got me all riled up, so I'm write in the mood to write about someone who has pissed me off and this week that honour goes to M.I.A. I know a lot of people who read this will be fans of hers and have her entire back catalogue sat on their iPods ready to be listened to. But let's pretend just for a minute that we all live in the mainstream. And in the grand scheme of things, M.I.A. counts in my book as a "one hit wonder". If you approach someone on the street and ask them to name three M.I.A. songs, the chances are they will find it near impossible. Paper Planes is an incredible song. I enjoy it in Digital, I enjoy it in Powerhouse, I enjoy it on the Slumdog Millionaire trailer. But that is why my, and most of the world's, knowledge of M.I.A. ceases.

A reporter asked M.I.A. this week how important visuals were to her music. She took this as an opportunity to begin slagging off Lady GaGa, who I'm sure you're well aware at this point in the proceedings is the biggest star on the planet right now. What I'm seeing here, apologies to M.I.A. fans, is a technical "one-hit wonder" slagging off a mega-successful artist in an attempt to get headlines.

M.I.A. was not asked "What do you reckon about Lady GaGa?", "Do you like Lady GaGa", "What are your opinions on any current mainstream pop acts around at the moment?" or anything like that. She just took it upon herself to drop GaGa into the conversation and utter the immortal phrase She sounds more like me than I fucking do. Really? Really, though? Who are you, pet? Shut your mouth and fuck off.

I will, however, continue to dance to Paper Planes because it is a very good song, although everything Lady GaGa has ever released is better than it.

And so concludes the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup!

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