Thursday, 15 April 2010

Pandora's Box 2010.

If there is one thing being Catholic has taught me it is not to talk about the elephant in the room...

What people don't seem to grasp about loud people such as myself is that we are generally quite shy people. I am totally awkward and given the opportunity will always say or do the wrong thing. This is probably why in all my 19 years I have never asked anyone out. I have never told anyone I liked them. I have never even made the first move sexually with a guy, always waiting for them to instigate. Perhaps I have a fear of rejection or something deep-rooted like that, but mostly I think it's because I am a shy 'un. And that is that.

This means I'm often left holding onto feelings I have for people that I'm too afraid or shy or timid or whatever to tell them I have. I have decided that as part of my official "I am 19 I am a new man I am going to do everything differently blah blah blah zzzzzzz" schtick, I am going to start going after the things that I want. At least, this was the plan. Unfortunately, I decided to try this out for the first time while in a state that can only really be described as "pissed". The unfortunate thing when you start spilling your guts at people whilst completely inebriated is that they have a tendency not to believe you when you start telling them the things you have been bottling up. More worryingly, when the other party is absolutely off their box themselves on what will from now on be referred to as Toxic Trebles from Gotham Town, there is the possibility of them not remembering the rather important conversation you are having the following day. This is all well and good until the next day rears its ugly head and you're left with a lot more than a headache and a stale taste in your mouth. Instead, Pandora's Box has been flung open and there are harpies flying around all over the bloody place. Someone is going to have to be the first to mention what had been discussed and left open-ended the night before, aren't they?

Well, folks, for those that do not know I come from a very Catholic family so if there's one thing I know (apart from the Apostles' Creed and the fact that Jesus won't love me anymore if I tell anyone what the priest did to me WOAH HO HO I'M JOKING OBVIOUSLY) it's how not to talk about the elephant in the room. I can tell you this because my own glaringly obvious homosexuality went completely undiscussed for seventeen years, so something as simple as "hmm I told you I liked you last night and now no one is saying anything" is a doddle. Unfortunately, without my bloodstream filled with alcohol, I am not quite as brave. I'm like a spinach-less Popeye, except both of my eyes work (I have been known to dress as a sailor on occasion but that, of course, is a whole other story). As I'm sure you can tell from reading this blog, I'm not very gifted at finding the right words to say things. While I would love to be brave and come right out with it to this boy, demanding to know whether or not a) our conversation was a complete waste of time that he can no longer remember, b) he is in the same place as me even a little bit, that is simply not a possibility. Because I am a pussy.

It is obvious that alcohol is to blame for this, and it is not the first time alcohol has caused me problems for me, I once sent a message to a boy on Facebook following a night out with Carla which clocked in at over 600 words, urging him to text me back because he'd seemingly been ignoring me all night. If I like you and I'm drunk and there is some form of communicative device nearby then all bets are off. It is worrying. That is why tonight, when I join my friends for cocktails and all that, I am not going to down five or six Cosmopolitans and wonder why no one else seems as drunk as me. I am going to drink one or two and that will be that. There is no need to constantly disgrace myself. No need whatsoever.

And as for my unresolved boy-crush dilemma, it looks like that is forever going to be remembered as the conversation that, for convenience's sake, nobody remembers...

1 comment:

  1. But what if he's feeling the same way!? He might be desperately waiting for you to bring it up again, not wanting to mention it himself in case it was all alcohol-induced & not real.. Ok, so that's not helping - I do apologise.

    Hope you enjoy your one or two drinks tonight..

    OR, seeing as the opportunity is there, you could get pissed again - then ring him & sort it out - I am just full of good ideas!
    (I don't actually recommend doing that. I don't think.)