Friday, 12 March 2010

The Telephone Video.

This morning, the Telephone video premiered online. It is very, very good. You have a busy life so if you like I can just talk you through it...

The video is called Telephone. Cleverly they have made the word Telephone at the beginning look like a phone. Whatever will they think of next?

And that's who sings in it. Lovely.

Lady GaGa has been brought to the "Prison For Bitches". I can sense this is not going to be The Sweet Escape-esque.

They're taking off her bloody clothes. Look at that horny lesbian in the next cell! Bloody 'ell!

Well. Look at that. There are Lady GaGa's mammaries.

Guard 1: I told you she didn't have a dick.
Guard 2: Shame.
Bloody hell GaGa no one thinks you have a dick anymore stop going on about it!

As time passes, Lady GaGa really lets herself go in prison.

I'm joking obviously, here she is wearing chains and sunglasses made of cigarettes. I trust Catherine will be getting some of these for the Summer.

Lady GaGa kisses a butch lesbian with Ray-Ban sunglasses. I'm sure this in itself is symbolic, she might as well be kissing a giant pile of money given to her by Ray-Ban....

...and Virgin Mobile apparently.
"Lady GaGa you have a call" says a prison voice. Apparently the director of this has confused prison with a 5* hotel for lesbians.

Lady GaGa has cans of Diet Coke in her hair, and bags of money from Diet Coke in her apartment. As you can see, GaGa's former self is looking on from the distance and judging her. "We used to be about the music", says her past self. Lord.

She finally answers the phone. It should be noted that we're just shy of the 3 minute mark and the singing has only just started. Oh my.

Here she is wearing a racy little number. I don't think this really reflects what prison life is like, for some reason I cannot imagine Karen Matthews cutting a rug in this sort of outfit.

And that, loves, is Lady GaGa's arse.

And now, in a totally irrelevant part of the video, here is Lady GaGa wearing police tape as an outfit. What's she like, eh?



Someone has bailed Lady GaGa out of prison!!! Nice hat.


It's only bloody Beyoncé who's bailed her out!! Just when you thought she couldn't get any better, she's bailed GaGa out of bloody prison!
"You've been a bad girl," she says. "A very, very bad, bad girl, GaGa". Sexual tension, much?

Beyoncé takes a bite of something. I presume it is Lady GaGa's bad girl meat.

Sharing is nice.

At this point in the video Lady GaGa starts taking Polaroid pictures of Beyoncé for seemingly no reason other than to remind everyone that she's like a creative director or something for Polaroid now.

Beyoncé is now in a diner with this unfriendly man.

Those are Beyoncé's breasts. Impressive, I'm sure you agree.

She's only bloody poisoning him though! I didn't realise this until I spotted that skull and crossbones. I constantly need music videos to assume I'm stupid, you see.

Look at that chauvinistic pig! I'M GLAD HE'S GOING TO DIE WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?

Meanwhile, Lady GaGa is back on the phone on her head. I don't know who she's talking to it's obviously not plugged in.

I forgot to mention that earlier in the video Beyoncé said "Once you've killed the cow you have to make a burger" which I'm pretty sure means that cannibalism is about to occur. If so this is brilliant news because cannibalism is one of the few social taboos that have remained intact in the modern age. The Alejandro video will probably deal with incest.

Lady GaGa and a bottle of mayo. My two favourite things in one picture.

I wonder if Gordon Ramsay dances about like this in his kitchen.

Bloody 'ell and now we're watching Poison TV. Like QVC for the suicidal I assume.

Lady GaGa shares her traditional Italian cuisine with us.

"Is everything alright with your meal?"

"Not really it's fucking awful"

"Bloody 'ell your food has killed me".

"Very good."

"Woopsie!" Beyoncé is stunning, isn't she?

GaGa starts to count in German.

More people are eating the poisoned bloody food!!

GaGa on the other hand just wants to show off her language skills. I assume I will see her in MFL on Tuesday morning.

This woman is dying!

This man is choking!

Lady GaGa continues to put the German in Germanotta. You get it?

What's left to do but dance around the corpses?

She's even killed the bloody dog (look away Sophie)

And off they drive. Weeee!

Bizarrely Kylie Mibloodynogue wore this exact outfit years ago. Not quite sure what GaGa is playing at here.

Back to the Pussy Wagon...

They've made the bloody news!! Not surprising as they've just poisoned an entire diner and run off...

...apparently to become bee-keepers.

They're in this together! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE.

And that's that.

...or perhaps not.

If you've sat through all this shite you might as well watch the video for yourself, really.



  1. "Gaga's former self looks on"

    It's actually her sister! Who knew?

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    With voice, SMS and data plans starting at £0.00/month.