Saturday, 6 March 2010

The Slightly Belated Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Everyone I am very sorry. Between going to see Lady GaGa and doing the whole lad-obsessing thing (yes, really *sighs*) I forgot all about the most important part of my life and what is probably the most important part of your life too. The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. And so, better late than never, let's look back over the past seven days of celebrity news through the bitchiest eyes in the North East. It is a sign of the time that the majority of these stories revolve around Lady GaGa in some way.

1. All of Cheryl Cole's problems are over. Sinitta is praying for her. (Digital Spy)

Sinitta has no real fans. She had to bring her own.

Sinitta is a wondrous Lisa Scott-Lee-esque fame seeker. She just loves to prove she's slightly relevant. Sometimes it's being a shit ice skater. Sometimes she wears foliage and passes it off as an outfit. This week, though, she's doing something new and giving her opinion where it's not wanted on something that has nothing to do with her. Let's not forget, Sinitta is somehow involved on The X Factor and has probably met Cheryl Cole dozens of times. Dozens! Well maybe half a dozen.

She told the Daily Mail this week "I've been texting [Cheryl] to remind her that she has my support". Imagine how comforted she must have felt receiving that text. Ooh my phone's going. Maybe it's Simon finally coming to his senses and proposing to me. Maybe bloody Ashley's sending me another picture of himself in his pants. Oh wait it's only bloody Sinitta texting me her support. Never mind that my dream marriage is over or that people are selling stories about my husband all over the place; Sinitta's coming over for a SingStar night one day next week. We're gonna do So Macho. Bloody hell my troubles have melted away. I THINK NOT!

2. Lady GaGa is a human being with emotions. (Digital Spy)

GaGa tries in vain to get the last of the barbecue sauce off her face.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" Lady GaGa asked the crowd at Newcastle on Thursday night. "You know, I never really felt sexy in high school". These words shocked and disgusted me. For one thing, I didn't realise that Lady GaGa had been to high school, having previously assumed that she had been born as she is and never been educated. Moreover, though, I didn't realise that GaGa had emotions. I was under the impression that she was almost robotic and when people fucked her over she dusted herself down and got on with it. "If ever you feel lonely, know that I feel lonely too". Again, GaGa, not quite what I want to hear. Imagine, then, my distain when I heard about what happened during GaGa's Q magazine photoshoot.

If you go into all good newsagents and most alright-at-best ones, you'll be able to pick up Q magazine with Lady GaGa on the cover. Here it is:

More hardcore members of the Silly Old Daniel community will have watched my vlog already expressing my disgust at this image, but to get the rest of you up to date:

1. Does Lady GaGa need to take her clothes off to get a magazine cover? No she does not.
2. Why does a magazine like Q only put up-and-coming female popstars on the cover if they're all wet or topless?
3. Lady GaGa is all about sex appeal but when does sex appeal become 'lass with her tits out to sell magazines'?

Apparently, though, during the photoshoot itself Lady GaGa burst into tears and made everyone leave. "I'm just not in a good place right now," she sobbed, complaining that she would only go ahead with the shoot if her boyfriend could take the photos in place of the real photographer. This does not quite sound like the woman spouting "I'm a free bitch, baby" with flames shooting out of her breasts that we are used to. The GaGa has emotions? Say it isn't so!

3. John Terry is DE-NIED!! (Guardian)

Football, really?

John Terry slept with Wayne Bridge's girlfriend. Remember that? What a fuss. Anyway, Wayne Bridge and John Terry played football against each other in a match between... erm... the men in white tops and the men in blue tops. Before they play football they all shake hands with each other. Personally I can think of much more entertaining things they could do to one another to release some pre-match tension but then I am a deprived homosexual with no interest in sport. Either way John Terry went to shake Wayne Bridge's hand AND WAS DENIED. MEGA LOL. WHEY. CLAMPED. ROFL. PSML. THAT'S SO GHEY. And so on.

ps. Message to Wayne Bridge. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Just sayin'.

4. Naomi Campbell has clouted someone else for no good reason and thus is the greatest living human being of all time. (The Mirror)

Crazy fucking bitch. I love it.

Naomi Campbell goes about her days having a line of coke for breakfast and knocking the shite out of anyone who displeases her. This is why she is a legend amongst men. They can put her in anger management and they can make her do community service but really as long as their is breath in her lungs and coke in her veins, she is going to go on whacking people around the chops if they piss her off. I shall repeat, she is a legend.

This week though, her attack on a staff member was the funniest yet. If you liked Naomi chucking a phone off her maid's head, then you'll love Naomi punching her chauffeur in the back of the noggin WHILE BLOODY CAR WAS CHOGGING ALONG. Beautiful moment.

According to reports, the driver had been questioning Naomi Campbell's boyfriend's faithfulness to the model which if you ask me was a bit silly when you are driving arguably the world's most violent diva along in the back of your car. Surely you'd know better than to piss off a woman who just beats people up willy-nilly as a means of getting her rage out. To quote Will and Grace, Naomi, "keep that rage in the bedroom where it belongs". Lovely.

5. Lady GaGa goes back on Jonathan Ross and makes a tit of herself, though not as badly as the first time she did it WHEN SHE MADE A ROYAL OLD TIT OF HERSELF. (Coco Perez)

I've already made a joke about Lady GaGa going for the barbecue sauce so I'll not make a fool of myself by attempting anything funnier.

Remember the last time Lady GaGa went on Jonathan Ross? What an embarrassment for everyone concerned. Well, she went back on this week and had a staggering four costume changes and performed twice. The first one she did was Brown Eyes. IT WAS NO BLOODY GOOD. Then she did Telephone. I WAS WORKING AND HAD TO TAPE IT AND THE BLOODY DVD STARTED SKIPPING THE SECOND SHE STEPPED OUT OF HER PHONE BOOTH SO I MISSED IT BUT I ASSUME IT WAS MUCH BETTER THAN BROWN EYES WHICH REALLY WAS ASTOUNDINGLY NOT GOOD. Would you like to see some of those costumes-- boys and girls? OH WELL SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY:

GaGa was sporting a lovely purple and yellow hairstyle in what I can only assume is an obvious tribute to a certain blog I could mention. SHE ALSO HAD A BLOODY PHONE ON HER HEAD!!!! BRILLIANT!!

She gave a lot more away than in her previous Jonathan Ross interview, claiming that she has no friends in the music industry because people see her as a freak. She also reckons that she's not going to do any more collaborations for a while once Telephone comes out because she thinks it's important to stand on your own two feet. Somewhere, Cyndi Lauper's assistant is planning a tactful way of delivering some bad news...

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. It has been a slow week in the world of celebrities. Sorry about that, lads. Hopefully next week will be more fruitful.

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