Friday, 26 March 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Aren't the weeks going quickly? It seems like one minute it's Big Gay Monday, then suddenly it's already time for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup where we look back over the week's worth of celebrity news through the bitchiest eyes in all of the North East BLOODY HELL THERE IS NO GAGA NEWS THIS WEEK, FOLKS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG...

1. Alison Goldfrapp has made a massive tit of herself on the television. (Popjustice)

Goldfrapp always did have a problem with facing the right way towards the camera.

Goldfrapp were on Italian TV this week and Alison Goldfrapp went and made a right pig's ear of the performance. In recent times Britney Spears and Cheryl Cole have both been criticised for their terrible miming, but through it all they have always made it look slightly like they know what's going on around them. They are not too busy "picking up balloons" to know their cues:

How embarrassing. She made a royal dog's dinner of that, didn't she? The poor dear. The worst thing about all this is that Goldfrapp are meant to be one of the more credible acts in pop music and even they are running around the place miming, and they can't even do it right. What an incredible cringe-inducing incident for all concerned.

There is this awful moment when she realises that there is no saving the performance and there is a mix of disappointment and self-loathing and fear and anger in poor Alison's eyes. Thankfully it seems that no one outside of Italy was actually in any way interested. Goldfrapp may have had a lucky escape.

2. Check out X-Tina's underwhelming new cover art. (Shiny and New)

"Not Myself Tonight"? Let's hope she's not trying to be GaGa again...

I'll be honest with you folks, I don't really care for Christina Aguilera. Britney Spears could have a hundred years of vocal training and Christina would still be the better singer, and probably the more attractive of the two, but there is always something with Christina that doesn't really click that always has with Britney. Anyway, the above image is the cover art for Christina Aguilera's new single Not Myself Tonight which was unveiled this week. It pretty much sums up everything I dislike about X-Tina herself, ie. it is cheap and nasty.

The song itself is still being kept under wraps but it has lyrics including "If you really knew me you'd know it's not the norm" and "I'm kissing all the boys and girls" which sound to me like ripoffs of Freakshow and If U Seek Amy respectively, even with my Britney-tinted glasses off. Let's have a look at the album artwork as well shall we?:


Pretty underwhelming (though obviously it could be a lot worse). Much like everything else Christina has forced on the public since Fighter. Also, why has she spelled out Bi-On-Ic syllabically like that as if it is a really complicated word? WE AREN'T IDIOTS, PET. Perhaps I'm being a bit hasty in my criticism here and should probably wait to hear some music from the album before I write it off completely, but if I'm going to spend the next 18 months watching Christina Aguilera flitting about and trying to make herself look like a GaGa-esque bionic woman I am not going to be impressed.

3. What the fuck is wrong with Alexandra Burke's new 'do? (Daily Mail)

That's it, love, sing it like you mean it.

I wish we didn't live in a world where looks were so important and celebrities could walk about however they liked without being criticised by evil queens like myself, but unfortunately we do not live in such a world, which Alexandra Burke discovered for herself this week when she went out with half of her hair missing. It seems that prolonged use of a weave has left Alexandra with an unfortunate hair-line. Good for her, though, she is not ashamed. Shall we have a look?


It's not great, like, is it? I don't know if this hairstyle is meant to look like she's gone all Mel B and had parts of her hair shaved off to be edgy, or whether or not she just has a naturally off hairline which she isn't ashamed to show off (which, if is the case, I should really be applauding rather than mocking) but either way it's not the best look for hair, is it? Dear me. Dearie dearie me.

4. It's all tears on the set of Coronation Street. (Daily Mail)

Four pensioners in a pub? It must be Coronation Street.

I fucking hate Coronation Street, but also completely crave it. It really is an absolute shower of shite, but knowing that these characters lives would go on if I watched or not makes me want to keep watching, just so I'm not missing out. Saying that there are only a few of the characters I actually like and one of those is Deidre Barlow. She is a fabulous woman. Witty. Cheerful. She also seems to be have a Kermit The Frog-like quality in that she seems to be the only normal one floating alone in a sea of crazies.

Pictures were leaked to the press this week from the filming of Blanche's upcoming funeral, where apparently Anne Kirkbride who plays the amazing Mrs Barlow was overcome with real emotion and had to take time out from filming to gather herself. This is understandable as she had been working with the fantastic Maggie Jones who played her mother Blanche for like a million years, and they really had brilliant on-screen chemistry which can only really come from admiration off-screen.

I'm predicting this funeral is going to be a bloody big blub-fest :(

5. It's not looking good for Sugababes, is it? (Digital Spy)

Sugababes 4.0 wearing 66.666% hideous clothing.

It's bad enough everyone thinks that they're raging bitches, but now Sugababes have been dropped by their US label, Roc Nation due to what is believed to be poor sales figures. After about 500 million delays, Sugababes finally released their album Sweet 7 this month. You'd be forgiven for not realising, only a handful of people have actually bought a copy and most of those either used to be in Sugababes or will be one day.

In fact, if you have a little peep over at the albums charts right now you can see for yourself that the Sugababes album is currently nestling nicely outside of the Top 30. These are not Girls Can't Catch, these aren't even The Saturdays. These are bloody well Sugababes. And less than three weeks after the release of their album they're not even in the Top 30 anymore, let alone the Top 40. I think the Keisha-lovers could have been right, I think this could be it for Sugababes. If their US label, run by Jay-Z who seemed really keen on signing them up when the deal first got started, don't want them anymore, what's next? Three singles into the album it's hardly a time to start flinging themselves around all over the shop promoting it, is it? Bloody 'ell.

And that, my friends, was the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

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