Wednesday, 3 February 2010

What a pile of bank.

Paperwork and banks and forms and numbers have always given me a headache. Put it down to my Peter Pan complex or my rejection of numbers following two years of Maths A Level, but now I'm at a point where I open up my pay slips and bank statements and let out a little shudder because of all the digits and pound signs and withdrawals and deposits.

In spite of this, despite usually blowing my money on things like this and this as soon as my wages come in, I've been quite good with my money since my student loan came in. In fact, I still have money from the first load of student loan money, and the second load went in like a month ago and I've barely touched that. Admittedly this can probably be explained as:
  1. I have not had a night out since the second student loan money went in.
  2. I get paid weekly from the dogs and the money I get covers pretty much everything I need for the entire week.
  3. Clothes shops are boring me at the minute, with pretty much all my money going on tickets for Pink, Alphabeat, The Rocky Horror Show, Jimmy Carr (not that I should really be paying to see him as we're such close personal friends) and Marina & The Diamonds.
So anyway, despite my new found financial abstinence (and, annoyingly, every other sort of abstinence) I went to the bank yesterday which was very difficult for me because as soon as I get there I get the shakes and start thinking they're going to rope me into dividends and bonds and mortgages and other things I don't actually understand even a little bit, or start throwing bank jargon at me which, at 18 years old, I should really understand but nonetheless don't. However, I had to brave it because I decided that after having the same cash card since I was 14 it was time to branch out and actually get a debit card so that I could enjoy such luxuries as eBay with my own money. That was the plan, anyway.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Welsh, the computer says you're not an eligible candidate for a debit card. We'll send you a letter out explaining why".

OK...what? This is a debit card. I am not interested in an enormous loan to buy designer sunglasses and cannabis plants, I simply want to be able to access my own money without having to draw out large sums of money from the ATM. But no, apparently I am not a suitable candidate. I don't know why this is, surely they have on file that my student loan is still sitting there, as untouched as anything else on my person. Surely they have records of my scarce withdrawals of money. Surely they can see that in the entire of the time I've been with them I've never been overdrawn!

If I get this letter and it starts telling me that there's nothing I can do and I'm going to be stuck with a shitty cash card for all eternity it's clear there's only one thing I can do and that's to open another bank account and get a debit card with that, even though the idea of going into Llloyd's or Barclays and opening said account gives me so much unnecessary stress in my little brain-box that if you cross me today while I'm thinking about it I'll probably melt your face just by staring at you, which would actually be completely counter-productive as melting someone's face with a stare is somewhat more stressful than opening a new bank account, imagine a first date or, worse, a wedding wherein staring into one's partner's eyes is practically mandatory (unless, obviously I marry someone with no eyes, but then again I was only joking about melting someone's face as I don't have that type of superpower, thankfully). But yes, opening another bank account will stress me out even further.

The moral of this story is that if I had some sensible boyfriend to go with me and explain things to me slowly, preferably using Britney and Madonna-related examples, that this would all be OK. But no. I have to go alone. I have no sensible boyfriend to rescue me from my financial cesspit. Then again I suppose that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Throw your hands up at me.
Alrighty then.


  1. love it, you need to be an author, you read like douglas adams!brill! x

  2. *blush*

    I'm at Uni atm in my first workshop with this new Journalism woman waiting for this news story I just wrote to get marked and she's absolutely terrifying lmao, I fear shes gonna scrumple it up and throw it in my face. And make fun of my hair. And boots lmao.

  3. why not open a new bank account ONLINE?!?!?!

    Then you don't have to brave the branch.....

  4. Yes indeedy! I recommend you google "online banking"....

  5. the captcha for that last comment nearly made me fall off my chair!! I misread it. It said penus....which as we all know is not the correct spelling!!!