Friday, 19 February 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Note: The blog you are about to enjoy contains an abnormal amount of hyperlinks. Apols for that.

It is that time of the week where we pause and reflect on the past seven days of celebrity news and gossip in what is to be forever known as the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup. Here goes...

1. The straw has broken Cheryl Cole's back at long last. (Twitter)

It has been a pretty busy week for Cheryl Cole and I take my hat off to her for not going out and making an arse of herself, which is how some people deal with things like this.

First off, early in the week her stupid husband "gave his phone away with naked photos still on it" which were then sent to some glamour model. It must be nice being a glamour model and constantly having famous men sending obscene things to your mobile, the best I get is occasional closeups of rectums sent to my Gaydar profile, and none of them are particularly desirable rectums.

Despite being known for shooting her mouth off occasionally, Cheryl has stayed completely tight-lipped about the whole thing. Good for her. Later in the week, though, reports emerged that she wanted her friends to start calling her Cheryl Tweedy, reverting to her maiden name.

Cheryl then mimed her way through a performance of Fight For This Love at The Brit Awards which can't have been easy for her, with everyone talking about her failing marriage. Personally I think it was the best performance of the night, though I believe I am in the minority there. Although she wasn't singing live, the choreography and general performance were incredible.

It seems, though, that Cheryl has had enough. She has flown off to LA on her own without her wedding ring on, though that generally means nothing as she's forever taking that ring off claiming it doesn't go with her outfits. However, a post on her Twitter today read..., really, it's not looking good for Ashley Cole who could soon be lost in a media storm without his PR life jacket, Cheryl Cole. I have a feeling this one will run and run...

2. The Lady shows her GaGa at The Brits (Holy Moly)

As well as winning all three of the awards she was up for (and rightly so!), Lady GaGa performed Telephone and Dance In The Dark at The Brits on Tuesday night, and everyone seems to think it was incredible. I can't help but feel that it's a bit of an "Emperor's New Clothes" affair where, in reality, her performance was shite but everyone is too afraid to say otherwise. She looked brilliant, obviously, but the whole thing was a bit too self-indulgent for my liking.

If nothing else, though, the performance helped put to rest certain rumours surrounding Lady GaGa's private life. You see, for some reason, people think Lady GaGa is a man. I have no idea why, but people are obsessed with this idea to the extent that if you type "Lady GaGa" into Google, the first suggested item is "Lady GaGa hermaphrodite":
The revealing outfit she wore to the Brits, however, provided evidence to the contrary with a hint of gash accidentally hanging out during her performance, reminiscent of Britney's I'm A Slave 4U wardrobe malfunction on The Circus Tour last year. How embarrassing for the poor dear, who just wanted to have a nice tribute to Alexander McQueen, but instead just flashed the world her vagina. If that were me I'd just want to find a big hole and curl up in it. Luckily for me, Lady GaGa has already shown me one...

3. Denise is Van Outen of the BBC (Heatworld)

If there's a company out there that everyone should get together and sue for unfair dismissal it's the BBC. First they shafted Arlene Philips off of Strictly Come Dancing in favour of Alesha Dixon, leading everyone to believe it was all age-related prejudice, and now a very pregnant Denise Van Outen has been left to stand behind Kerry Katona in the Jobcentre queue.

The new series Over The Rainbow, which is following on from How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?, Any Dream Will Do and Any Dream Will Do in the search for the next West End Star, will see ex-opera star Charlotte Church in Denise's seat on the judging panel. Frankly, I think they should get Charlotte Church in to judge on Popstar To Operastar but that's mainly just because I'd love to watch her and Katherine Jenkins fight each other. Either way, it's all caused a big hoohah with people saying the BBC have got rid of Denise just because she is pregnant.

Denise Van Outen, understandably, is not happy. She's done the usual pregnant lady "it's not an illness, I'm perfectly healthy" speech which I would normally roll my eyes at, but in this case I am right behind her. Ever since I saw Denise in the awful, awful, so awful I almost went on a theatre massacre Rent Remixed I have been a fan of her and I think she really knows what she's talking about whereas Charlotte Church does not, (furthermore if The Charlotte Church Show proved anything it's that Charlotte Church has all the TV presence of a potted plant).

The public reaction to this will probably help Simon Cowell decide exactly what to do when it comes to the decision of whether or not to hang onto Dannii Minogue for the next series of The X Factor, who is getting pregnanter and pregnanter by the day. Thing is though, unlike Dannii, Denise is actually a success in her field and I say shame on whoever's decision it was to bump her off in the first place (and, no, I did not mean Lee Meade who merely knocked her up).

4. Cyndi Lauper fancies a Lady GaGa collaboration. (Monsters and Critics)

Do you remember back in 2004 when it looked like Madonna's career was over and she started following Britney Spears around all over the place leading to hilarious parodies such as this? It looks like 2010 is seeing the sequel to that starring Cyndi Lauper as Madonna and Lady GaGa as Britney Spears.

Cyndi Lauper reckons she'd love to do a collaboration with Lady GaGa, but says that "everyone is on her right now" and would wait until the buzz around her calms down. Cyndi's buzzing around GaGa like flies to shite at the minute, 'cos Cyndi Lauper is one of them people who won't shut up about how much she loves the gays because they're the only ones who buy her records anymore (this is officially known as The Dannii Minogue Effect), and with all the gays raving about Lady GaGa (the gays and everyone else in the world) Cyndi knows exactly who to stick to.

The two of them are even promoting a new MAC lipstick together to help raise money for AIDS awareness because as well as loving the gays, Cyndi Lauper is one of them who proper hates AIDS. Obviously, no one is becoming a fan of AIDS on Facebook in a hurry or anything like that, but Cyndi won't shut up about it, though she's not quite on the Annie Lennox level of AIDS-hating yet (good grief that woman hates AIDS. I've never known AIDS-hatred quite like it in all my days as a gay).

When asked about it herself, GaGa is quoted as saying: "Who knows?" What a slap in the face. She might as well have said "I've accomplished more in the last year and a half than that daft bitch has in her entire twenty year career" which she would be completely within her rights to do.

Note to Cyndi Lauper: You are completely irrelevant. Please give up and go home. Thank you.

5. Victoria Beckham flies the flag for thin people (Coco Perez)

Victoria Beckham has got her fashionista hat on at the minute, and has sprung to the defence of the thinner models of the world.

Fair enough it would be pretty hypocritical for her to get on her high-horse and claim they're all too thin. One thing she does know though, like myself, is how it feels to be discriminated against due to her weight.

"Most of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against people because they're too thin or too large or whatever it is," she said while guest hosting The View earlier in the week (I love how The View get Victoria and we get stuck with Mel B over here...)

All the way through her career Victoria has been accused by people of being a bad influence and promoting anorexia and being disgusting and a poor role model and all that shite, but she's stuck to her guns and standing up for herself and acknowledging that it's discrimination and not saying "oh it's better being too thin than too fat (which actually it's not)" by mentioning discrimination against people who are too big within her little speech.

Hoorah for Victoria Beckham, I say! Though I am obviously in the minority.

And so ends another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

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