Friday, 29 January 2010

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Welcome to the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup, where you can read this week's five biggest celebrity news stories as seen through the bitchiest eyes in the North East.

1. Are Jedward the most delusional people in the world?

No sexual tension here, folks.

As if the Queen back catalogue hasn’t taken enough of a thrashing in recent years (you know what I’m talking about...), John and Edward are releasing their cover of Under Pressure this week in a abomination collaboration with Vanilla Ice. I just think it's nice to see young people doing their bit for Help The Aged (extra kudos for that obviously goes to Justin Timberlake).

Earlier this week, journalists quizzed Jedward about future collaborations they have planned and as well as the obvious answers of Eminem and 50 Cent (obviously it's 50 Cent's music the boys are interested and nothing else) the boys responded with: "Tupac. Even though he's dead". Jedward went on to claim that there's probably an unreleased Tupac song just lying around somewhere "that we could record our vocals on". It's just a shame Tupac never got to live long enough to work with greats like John and Edward for real. Shame shame shame. (Digital Spy)

2. What the hell is wrong with Cheryl Cole's lips?

3 Words. Sack. The. Surgeon.

Cheryl Cole went out this week. Outdoors! You'd think this was a complete news story in itself (I would, at least, but then I am a homosexual from the North East), but there's more-- it seems that there was something weird going on with her face, particularly in the region of her lips. This has lead to ludicrous accusations that she's had some sort of cosmetic work done. Personally I'd say it looks more like she's had some form of allergic reaction (obviously I'm not saying she's caught anything off her skeazy husband, no one is implying that, certainly not), and I'd say that if she has had work done she needs a refund pretty quickly.

Howay though, Cheryl- Geordie lasses don't get collagen! We're sick in the street and don't wear coats at the height of Winter, but we are all-out natural gals through and through (except from our tans, obviously). Just because you stole Sharon Osbourne's seat on The X Factor doesn't mean that you too need to be made of 90% recycled materials. (Daily Mail)

3. Elton John tries in vain to prove he's still relevant. Again.

I'm still hip. I'm still 'with it.' Shall I do Candle In The Wind?

You'd be forgiven for thinking that he slags people off for a living and that's where his talents end, but Elton John is reminding us why we hate him in the first place with a rumoured performance alongside Lady GaGa at this year's Grammy Awards. Perez Hilton has already confirmed that Lady GaGa will be opening the ceremony and that she is "planning something amazing amazing AMAZING", but it's not yet been confirmed whether or not Elton will be joining her.

Elton's already reminded us he's still alive through his collaborations with Eminem and The Killers, as well as a posthumous duet alongside, who else, Tupac (eat your hearts out, Jedward), but I think getting in on the Lady GaGa thing just makes people look desperate no matter who they are, unfortunately. Why not try cracking out a new song of your own, eh Elton? (TVNZ)

4. Some awful person breaks into Susan Boyle's house.

Can I keep her? Pleeeeeeeease?

Why anyone would wish Susan Boyle any harm or distress is completely beyond me, as she is arguably the most "sound as a pound" woman on the planet, but some tit broke into her house earlier in the week. Susan was returning home from recording her part in Simon Cowell's Haiti Charity Single (because Susan Boyle cares about people and when there are natural disasters she uses her talents to help in any way she can because she is an amazing woman who deserves an OBE or MBE or NME or whatever it is someone gets to become a Dame) when she caught an intruder in her home who then fled the scene! How awful for poor Susan!!

Or not, as it turns out. Thankfully, when the incident was made public Susan issued a statement assuring everyone that she was fine and that she has no plans to move house, despite being urged to by members of her family. Good for her. She even went as far as to say: "The intruder was more scared than me". I will believe that, as I cannot imagine how harrowing the realisation he was in Susan Boyle's bedroom must have been for him. (Digital Spy)

5. The bad news keeps on coming.

RIP gang.

There is no positive spin I can put on this. Ugly Betty is no more. The fourth series, currently airing in America, will end two episodes early. And that will be that. ABC claim the show has poor ratings, and so they're pulling the plug. An awful day. Awful. No more will we follow the mad-cap adventures of Betty and Marc and Amanda- and little Justin won't get the chance to blossom into a really fabulous out-gay. The people who made this decision are obviously monsters. Monsters!!!!! (E!)

And that was the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


No comments:

Post a Comment